To not know how to not fix

[beautyisthefaceisee]

Hi all

I'm donning my hard hat here as I'm not sure if AIBU is the right place.

I have always been someone who wants to solve the world's problems - small things like if someone has to volunteer for something at work I always do it, if someone has to stay late behind etc, to solve issues over lunchtime and not get a lunch, to if someone is ill or run down or going thorugh something I seem to think it's my duty to support them and look after them be it work/friends whoever.

It gets to a point where I take so much of other people's stuff on I end up having low moods/confidence myself (and as PP's have pointed out in the past, end up being nothing short of argumentative on threads etc because I'm so keen to stick up for everyone!)

I've always been like it as long as I can remember. For context, I'm adopted and my adoptive parents are pretty emotionally dry so there probably is something in me "earning my worth" but I've always been like it. I've always enjoyed giving far more than receiving.

I do have a few very good friends who I don't necessarily feel like that with, our friendship is enough, and equal, but I could tell you numerous situations where I've ran myself into the ground for people who give barely a fuck. I've noticed it more recently post lockdown.

I'm aware there are lots of women on here with lots of life experience - so how do I change it? Can I change it? Where does it come from?

And befoe anyone suggests counselling - been there, done it and it failed because I know myself well so I just agreed but didn't actually know how to change it!

The only way to 'fix' this is to actually commit to therapy and give it the time it needs.

My mother is the same and has been in therapy for 15 years and still goes every few months to keep on top of things, so many people 'try' therapy and when they're not 'fixed' in a few months give up and say it doesn't work.

If you've got a lifetime of doing this, it will take a long time to unlearn these instincts.

Psychotherapy with a practitioner who is active in the conversation.

Plus. Intentionally beginning to change your behaviours in a deliberate way and knowing that it will feel uncomfortable at first.

So when you get that urge to drain yourself dry supporting someone who doesn’t care about you in the slightest, you put your self awareness in action and say no. You’re busy. You can’t. Or you don’t even engage.

Try walking down the street without smiling at anyone. The ‘fawn’ response is very real so work on breaking that down.

@beautyisthefaceisee

Firstly I wonder why you do this? I suspect (and I could be WAY off) that you do things for others for a few reasons:

1. Be liked and avoid people walking away - if you do things people will want to be around you etc.
2. You may be trying to escape your own emotions - if you "do" then you don't have to "be" and that allows us to avoid dealing with our emotional states.

I suspect that you are probably rather dutiful/obligation driven with a clear sense of what you "should" be doing - and that may well be helping other people. I may be completely wrong.

Your "I just agreed" comment re: counselling was interesting. You aren't there to agree. You are there to get challenged and say how you feel NOT what they want to hear. Otherwise you weren't "doing" counselling... simply falling into a pattern of appeasing and pleasing which is precisely what the problem is to begin with. Also if you "know" yourself so "well" then you wouldn't be in this situation so I would approach any therapy with an open mind. If you don't want to let them in and see you vulnerable it is inevitably going to fail.

Therapy is HARD WORK! If you aren't leaving it feeling bashed then you likely aren't doing it. You are simply going through the motions. Also its the application of what you learn between sessions which is the number 1 predictor of outcomes from therapy.

I am so curious as to what happened when you expressed emotions to your adoptive parents? Again I am hypothesising but it may well be that they were emotionally unavailable; either not responding to your emotions OR punishing them by giving the message you should be able to cope.

If I am right by all means DM me! I've never met you so wouldn't be surprised if I am off.

No you are pretty spot on!!

Thanks also to PP. Lots to think about

With the greatest of respect, actually no, with precisely the level of respect youce shown me, you dont know me. Who I am in real life and opinions (because that's all it is) I express to people I dont know on a forum are two different things.

Luckily I know myself, and the people that love me know me, so your words mean nothing. In just pleased I'm not someone less vulnerable as you could really have done some damage to someone with your nasty words

Btw, your post is both an (untrue) personal attack and bringing discussions from other threads onto different threads; , and an attempt to induce a pile on. None of those are in line with the MN guidelines so your post is reported.

As you've nothing constructive tonsay on the issue at hand, you can feel free to ignore my thread.

Whats a "fawn" response?

psychcentral.com/health/fawn-response

Hope that helps. Maybe it’s not a perfect fit but could be useful to mull over.