For being jealous of and avoiding pregnant friends?

[Essexgalttc]

AIBU?
Myself (27) and Husband (30) started ttc in February 2022. Fell pregnant first cycle and ended up having a miscarriage at 9 weeks with twins. It was horrendous to be honest, emotionally but also physically - missed miscarriage, two lots of treatment, blood loss that ended up with a hospital stay and 3 months of still testing positive on a pregnancy test (found out after a scan that there was retained products, finally gone now) all of this whilst planning and getting married!

AIBU for avoiding pregnant friends, best friends and feeling jealous at pregnancy announcements? Of course I’m happy for these friends! But my jealous feelings stop me from seeing them or being apart of their pregnancy

EDIT: We are currently on cycle 2 of ttc again

YANBU at all. You are feeling what is normal, natural and human. Others have what you should have had or be having. I'm sorry for your loss. I felt exactly the same way after my losses. Take it easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do ♥️

@Mlexapet thank you for replying! I beat myself up about it all the time, wishing I could be more involved with friends pregnancies but finding it uncomfortable to ask. My best friend told me she was pregnant yesterday and whilst I was very happy and congratulated her at first, I spent the whole evening at home feeling overwhelmed about being around another pregnant friend! xx Sorry for your loss too

I'm sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is normal. I remember when we ttc our first, I was taken over by a mist of jealousy that I couldn't shift. It got worse when I miscarried. I avoided social media as I really didn't want to see pregnancy announcements; they would have tipped me over the edge. I remember going to a christening and one of my friends had just a big lunch so she was very bloated but the whole time I was on the verge of tears in fear that she would announce her pregnancy. I know I was being unreasonable but I couldn't stop myself feeling like this. Avoiding friends when you feel like this is probably OK until you feel better instead of losing it with them. Looking back now it was like a temporary madness.

💐💐💐
You are not being unreasonable to feel like that. They are your feelings and you aren't a robot! However it's a really negative and destructive way to think for you (and your friends) so if you can try and get your head around it then that would be better for you (and others). I don't know how you I don't know how 'you get you head around it' and I know it's not that simple.
Everyone deals with miscarriages differently and there is nothing strange or unusual about how you are feeling. It sounds like you had a lot on and that your miscarriage was very difficult.
I guess it still very early days? Hopefully you will feel better soon.

Might it help if you told your friends how you were feeling? If they are half decent human beings then they will understand and you might feel better being honest about it.
I've had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and was upset but not overly so. I saw it as a failed pregnancy rather than a loss so that made it easier to deal with. However I know realize (mostly from Mumsnet!) that many women are truly devastated when they miscarry even when they happen early on in the pregnancy.

Oh god yeah totally normal. Funny once the baby is born I never cared after that! Now that my family is done I am jealous of newborn babies though...no point having another for that reason because they're only that tiny for a matter of weeks.

That feeling of envy does lessen and for me, only once I had my rainbows. My losses were late 2nd trimester. You feel the way you feel - Acknowledge it for what it is. Don't resist or shame yourself for it.

I'm really, really sorry for what you've been through so far but in my personal opinion (whilst I understand your reasons why) YABVU IF this jealousy affects others.

My ex-SIL (I'm a Widow) didn't conceive and whilst at first she was amazing, she's only met my 7yr old DD twice - both times before she was 4 months old and says it's because "It hurts too much...." This is despite the fact that DD is her only Neice/Nephew and she is more than aware that DD has no family on my side whatsoever besides my elderly mother, so could really do with her Auntie in her life. I do feel for her and I'm suggesting it should be easy for her - of course not - but DD is 7 now! And until I corrected & reassured her, believed that she was hated by her Auntie......

*I'm not suggesting

I’m so sorry 💐 losing a wanted pregnancy can be devastating regardless of how far along you are, and you sound like you had a very traumatic experience. I think I would feel same as you in your shoes.

no one can tell you what to feel. All you can do is try to be kind and honest in communicating those feelings and take the time you need.

Sorry for your loss. It's completely normal to want to avoid pregnant friends and announcements can be heartbreaking.

I found out I was pregnant 2 months after a friend did and then another friend became pregnant 2 weeks after me. We were all so excited to be having our babies at the same time. I then had a missed miscarriage, found out at the 12 week scan. I was absolutely devastated and couldn't speak to either of those friends about their pregnancies. I just felt so jealous. It was so unfair that they'd be having their babies and I wouldn't.

Things only changed when I got pregnant again two cycles after my loss. But I still found it hard to see April come and they both had their little ones and I didn't, but I'm super grateful to have a healthy little one due in Sept.

I found The Worst Girl Gang Ever facebook and Instagram pages really useful for understanding the ugly feelings and making you realise you're not alone. I hope you get your rainbow soon 🌈

@Notyetthere i could have written your post. Big hugs to all who have been here xx

YANBU. I totally get it. I'm in the same situation with my line manager and partner's best friends gf. All three of us due at similar time, I miscarried at 12 weeks and they didn't and are now halfway through pregnancies and making announcements and getting ready for babies. Shittest feeling ever. Some days the tears just dont stop. I'm happy for them but it's so hard knowing we were supposed to be going through it at similar time

I am so sorry for your loss 💐💕. How you are feeling is perfectly natural. A miscarriage is hard enough without being faced with pregnant women in your circle.

After I had a miscarriage, a friend's sister was pregnant and I had to hide her facebook posts because it was just too much seeing all her pregbancy updates and baby photos when he was born. I was happy for her however it was just too upsetting for me.

Take all the time you need. All the best ❤

I'm sorry for your loss. I had many many losses and also lost both tubes to ectopics so I have been where you are

But what I would say is that no one gets pregnant to deliberately hurt someone else and friendships are about being there through the bad times as well good. I did alienate myself from a lot of of my friends and family and honestly those relationships have never fully recovered x

Totally reasonable. I’m so sorry for your loss, take your time to heal and be kind to yourself.

No yanbu.

She probably feels really bad, I felt terrible guilty telling my cousin that i was pregnant she had been through 3 rounds of IVF.

Even now I keep children chat to a minimum in her company.

If you become a parent (and if you don't), you are going to need your friends.

It may be hard but don't cut yourself off. Eventually, most will have children and you could end up isolating yourself. That would be sad.