Grandparents babysitting

[Maybee21]

DP and I have one son, 14 months old.
We and our DS are lucky enough to have very involved grandparents, they want to see him as much as they can and adore spending time with him, we know how lucky we are in this respect.

I love my MIL, she is a good person, however, AIBU to greatly prefer my own mother to look after baby as I know my mother constantly plays with him in a very interactive manner, stimulates his mind and imagination etc, while MIL will just sit on the sofa with the TV on watching him play, she might take him in the garden for 10 mins but then she wants to be back inside. She is TERRIBLE at properly interacting with him.

I do realise that I can't stipulate how their time is spent when they're doing us the favour but this really rankles me.

Thoughts appreciated.

It's important for children to also feel a bit bored and work out how to amuse themselves. A balance is required so just be pleased you have two sets of interested GP where your child is safe and happy.

YABU!!!

I really wish I had let DD play more by herself when she was smaller, I’m trying to do it now at 2.5yrs and it is painful.

Let them crack on, you will probably find that the more she sees him and the bigger and more able he gets the more she will be like “oh hang on, lets go water some plants” etc. Love, just love is a good thing to have as a child from as many people as possible. These relationships will be directly between your child and each grandparent, they don’t have to pass a test to be beloved grandparents.

Absolutely unreasonable. As already stated babies also need to learn to amuse themselves and not be constantly one to one with an adult

Yep

This is so entitled.
It reminds me of a girl I know who says why shouldn't her mother have her kids when she works, they're her grandkids.

So what if she wants to sit down and watch him play? You don't have to be in a child's face 24/7. Actually him learning to play on his own is a good thing for independence.

Your child doesn't need to be interacted with 24/7. Shit me that would be exhausting.

Constant interaction and stimulation is not good for kids in my opinion. I've always been advised to let them get bored so they develop their own resources and imagination. Neither your mum nor your MIL are wrong. I actually think it's good that your son has equal time with them. Then he has time being stimulated by your mum and quieter time to just play on his own with MIL. He gets the best of both worlds.

Yes he's our first, how can you tell 😬😂so I guess I'm a little over precious about him.
She only looks after him for a few hours here and there.

Thank you everyone, becoming a mum has taught me that I'm very much a control freak, which came as somewhat of a surprise and something I'm working on. I'm learning that in parenting battles need to be picked carefully so I'm giving myself a reality check with this one. He is more loved than I could ever hope for and never wants for love and affection and I think that's what I need to focus on.

Thank you.

Also what about the other grandparents? Your FiL and your dad - how are their skills?

If he is playing at hers rather than just watching TV himself then I actually think both will be really beneficial for him - it's good to be able to play alone without needing constant stimulation.

TV and bumming around for a few hours a week with grandma isn't going to harm your DC. But obviously if you're planning to rely on grandparents for regular childminding, I'd prefer your DM's approach. Fwiw, it may become harder for MIL to watch TV while your little one bumbles about with his toys as he grows bigger and more boisterous and then she may either dial her involvement down or change her approach.

Right?!

OP, sounds like you have a really lovely set up. It's important for children to learn to play independently, and you say yourself that your MIL really loves him. He gets different things from his different grandmothers, that's lovely. You might also find that she comes into her own as he grows and communicates more.

My MIL is great at physical, funny play with my kids, she gets on the floor with them and chases them around the garden. My mum is quieter by nature and loves baking with them, or playing dolls, colouring, chatting away. Very different grandmothers, both adore and are adored by my DC.

Yes it's an unpleasant post hope the mil finds out.

Is there a FIL? What about him?

Why? It would only upset her.

I don't think it's unpleasant. I think it's a sign of how much pressure is put on new mums/how much pressure they put on themselves to be perfect. If you read the screen time guidance, it's pretty clear that no screen time under 2s (and very limited for other age groups) is viewed as being the ideal that we should all aspire to. What the guidance doesn't mention is that less than perfect can still be good enough when you have to balance this with other considerations like mum having a rest and baby getting to build strong bonds with other family members.

Gosh just stop with this overbearing need to ensure that every single second must be filled up with stimulation .

Maybe it balances out your parents. Just leave them to their own relationship and stop being so picky. He is cared for and loved, that's what matters.

Do you constantly play and interact with him? Or do you have a bit of down time and stick the tele on while he plays?

@Maybee21 - genuine question - if you are not there, how do you know how DM and DMiL interact with your child? Are you judging them on how they interact when you are also there - this might not be indicative of what happens all the time / when you are not there.

I also think YABU and a bit precious but I think you are realising that.

You are so lucky to have two sets of loving, involved grandparents. I would focus on that and also really, really take in what people are saying because it’s entirely possible that your disdain towards your MIL’s care of your child is apparent to other people. You say she’s a lovely person and presumably you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

It sounds like theres a lack of humility on your part (saying she’s “TERRIBLE” at interacting with your child). At 14 months in, you don’t know everything about parenting (no one does).

I also think it’s healthy for children not to be actively entertained by other people for every second of their lives. That’s an exhausting precedent to set for you and anyone else looking after your child. Safely looked after and loved is more than enough for a few hours here and there.

Lucky you that she HAS the DC for you!! My MIL is free as a bird but will find any excuse she can think of to never have ours, even as a one-off favour. I think it's lovely yours is up for it (but I do understand why you prefer your mum in terms of the "quality" of the interaction).

I do childcare for dd and whilst I do spend a lot of time entertaining him there are times he needs to "play with toys whilst Gangan busy" as he calls it. I know for a fact that dd must do the same as otherwise he wouldn't have food and clean clothes and a clean house to live in being a single parent. It's good for children to learn to play independently.