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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not seeing DC's granny on birthday?

24 replies

indulgemepls · 08/07/2022 09:42

For my child's 2nd birthday we (DC, me and DH) are going to the zoo. DC has been asking to see penguins for the last month so we are making a day of it. We aren't having a party or anything.

A week later we will be taking DC to visit his granny (DH's mum) who lives 2.5hrs away.

MIL is evidently upset that she won't be seeing DC on their actual birthday and wants to watch DC unwrap presents on the day. Also feels it's sad there's no party. We feel it's fine for us to go to the zoo as our family, and then see G-P another day when they will be able to unwrap presents. I'm sure there will be plenty of parties once DC is older and starts school, but right now they haven't asked for one and wouldn't have a clue what to expect. They are excited about the zoo.

For context - We don't have a very close-knit family. DH's mum and dad (not together) live around 3 hrs away. DH not close to his Dad at all and his Dad never keeps in touch. He loves his mum but isn't particularly close to her either as she has been a bit difficult in the past (long story but quite judgemental of him and emotionally blackmailing him at times, crying on the phone etc). DH generally speaks to her on the phone every couple of weeks or so or FaceTime with DC, and we see her once every couple of months. She has 6 other children most of whom live near her and 1 lives with her, plus a partner, so she isn't ever alone.

Anyway, she is upset about not seeing DC on their actual birthday, but I don't think WABU.

She was also upset last Xmas because we chose to have a family day and visit her on 27th. We want to continue with this, as for us our (nuclear) family is the thing that makes us happy and we would like DC to wake up in their own home on Christmas Day.

Not everyone is close to their families. Does anyone else not do wider family stuff or see grandparents on their DC's birthdays or Xmas Day?

OP posts:

Sparksbakescakes · 08/07/2022 10:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ItsJustASimpleLine · 08/07/2022 10:59

We have nuclear family Xmas too. I get 16/18 Christmases where I would hope my children will be at home. So I want to enjoy them with out managing other peoples wishes. My door will always be open at Xmas for my kids but I'll understand if they want to go elsewhere as long as I can see them at something over the Xmas period. I think this is fair.

Buy MIL insisted on seeing DC on there birthdays at first which I wasn't happy about but had no reason to say no as DD was born on New Years Day, there's nothing to do and no where to go on that day. However I made it clear that if we did have plans that was that. DS was born on a normal date where people are at work and school so it's not as easy for them to visit. This has definitely helped us say no but they still grumble. We make sure they get to see the kids near their Birthdays for presents.

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 08/07/2022 11:01

Your boundaries are fine op!!
Your mil not so!!
Keep up the good work!
And enjoy the zoo!

catandcoffee · 08/07/2022 11:08

Ignore her wishes. A good Granny would be happy their Grandchild is doing something they love on their birthday.

Hurrayforfridays · 08/07/2022 11:11

We live 3 hrs from family and have only seen them once on DDs actual birthday - we generally see them in the couple of weeks after so she gets an extended celebration. Does your MIL really expect your DC to spend 5 hours in the car on their birthday?!

Gymnopedie · 08/07/2022 11:15

Stand your ground. She's making this all about her and putting her wants above what your DC wants. Ditto Christmas. That's not a good granny. You would be totally wrong to give in. (And having set a precedent if you did give in, she'd expect it every time. Put a stop to it now.)

DenholmElliot1 · 08/07/2022 11:15

Can;t you just invite her to the zoo with you?

Flangelica · 08/07/2022 11:19

MN hates MILs ao everyone will probably tell you YANBU, but I personally feel you are being a bit unreasonable. Would it really spoil your day if she joined you at the zoo? And would it really hurt you to spend every second Christmas or something with her? Making her have literally every Christmas day alone without her son or grandchild, never getting to see him open presents or the excitement of Christmas Days/birthdays, is REALLY sad. If she was horrible I'd understand a bit more but honestly you're coming across as being controlling for the sake of it.

Carrotmum · 08/07/2022 11:25

We are an extremely close family and we are lucky enough to see our grandchildren weekly and regularly have them stay over. We don’t need to see them on their actual birthdays to be close, if they have other plans we just fit around them. Same for Christmas, we usually see them on the 26th or 27th as they want to have a nice relaxed Christmas Day at home.

OldTinHat · 08/07/2022 11:25

Video call first thing to shut her up?

Your DC is absolutely right to want to see penguins! Have a wonderful birthday at the zoo.

Carrotmum · 08/07/2022 11:28

Perhaps because I am not an unreasonable demanding MIL I am very close with my DIL.

DisappearingGirl · 08/07/2022 11:29

I agree your plan is fine. We don't usually end up seeing the various grandparents on the child's actual birthday, but we usually see them a week or so before or after. We do presents (from them) and bring a small cake etc so it's like an extra birthday celebration (for the child and the grandparents!). None of the grandparents have complained.

cptartapp · 08/07/2022 11:30

The emotional blackmail will only get worse as she gets older so set a precedent and stick to your plans.
Why you'd consider putting her wants over your own I don't know.
And do not let her muscle in on the zoo trip. Unless it wouldn't bother you.

OhmygodDont · 08/07/2022 11:34

My mil does this just had to see everyone on their exact birthdays nothing else is good enough. Drives me potty. can’t go out for a birthday meal day after school because ewe have to be in for mils visit.

My own family is more a while your here I’ll give you your card and present now for you to open on the day incase I don’t see you again till a while after.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2022 11:35

You, DH, DC are happy with your plans. That’s all that matters. She’s expecting way more effort and compromise on your part than she’s willing to give. That’s on her.

Have a wonderful day!

Cyclebabble · 08/07/2022 11:40

Zoo sounds good for a birthday treat. Could granny not come down and go too? Otherwise seeing her a little while later is ok. From the DCs perspective, it extend the birthday a bit which should go well.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 08/07/2022 11:44

I'd rather see the penguins too

MIL is being daft. Crack on with your plans and see her another time - she won't explode.

MargotChateau · 08/07/2022 11:49

I was very close to my granny but I didn’t see her on my actual birthday, I usually saw her later that week and was a made a fuss of. I loved it, my birthday was at an awkward time of the year so it extended it out a bit.

She did come on Christmas Day however, but she slotted right in and didn’t expect to be waited on hand and foot, which is what makes visitors a pain on holidays.

Original poster

indulgemepls · 08/07/2022 11:53

We actually invited MIL to join us on a zoo trip (not on DC actual birthday but weekend after) but MIL wasn't keen as it would mean her driving up to the zoo with present in the car and said it wouldn't be practical for DC to open presents the zoo. MIL has asked to see DC open their present in person so instead zoo day will be just us and we are doing separate day with MIL having cake and present etc.

OP posts:

balalake · 08/07/2022 11:59

No party, outdoor visit, reduce the chance of getting Covid and passing it on to your MIL. You are reasonable, MIL is not.

ifonly4 · 08/07/2022 12:14

Don't get into the habit of going to see her every year on your DC's birthday - she'll expect it all the time then and obviously there are going to be times when that's not practical with work and your DC's wants for his birthday as he grows up.

VainAbigail · 08/07/2022 12:33

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your son seeing his gran the week after his birthday. He’s not going to be fussed at all. But it does perhaps show that his gran is keen to see him and she’s probably excited to see him open his present, which is fine. I think you just need to talk to her. No one will remember this when your son is older and she won’t always get to see him on his birthday anyway!

GlitteryGreen · 08/07/2022 12:34

Tbh I think it's pretty weird for MIL to assume she'd see your child on their birthday at that distance. Surely more usual to visit on a weekend for an overnight stay?

As you said, she will still see her grandchild open their presents from her. Presumably she wouldn't be there early enough to see them open all their gifts even if she was seeing them on their birthday.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/07/2022 12:41

She's buying the present so she can receive the gratitude. If she doesn't see it opened she won't get to bask in the gratitude.
Weirdly FIL complained we never invited him to our birthdays. He would have hated a child's party, wanted to be the centre of attention and required more looking after than the kids.

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