Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a shit mother

16 replies

Janinebutcher79 · 08/07/2022 08:35

Ds11 often doesn’t want to see his dad
im so drained of trying to manage their relationship
ds doesn’t want to go on holiday with him so I’m stressed out trying to sort this out.
now he says dad is pressuring him to go to his for Xmas. Ds again wants me ro sort it out with his dad. Which I will do but the difficulty is my ds doesn’t want his dad to know h doesn’t want to go. So I have ro find other ways meanwhile dad is feeling like I’m trying to get in between their relationship and blocking him.
ds throws a fit if I suggest we talk about it with him
his dad has never even shouted at him but he can be quite forceful about things so I get it but I’m trying to teach ds we need ro be honest otherwise it’s going from one stressful event to another making execuses.
today I had a meltdown which I really shouldn’t of but when he said about Xmas I just burst into tears because I haven’t even got over the next hurdle.
wvery single Xmas I dread as it’s ds moaning at me about how much he has to see his dad
woth dad moaning at me about how little he is seeing ds
what do I do?
do I just speak ro dad? But then ds has to deal with what happens (ds says his dad tries ro speak to him about it) or do I just carry on .
also worth mentioning I am really struggling with my mental health at the moment also have a job where people like to make threats and a mother who thinks it’s her right to call every night and have a go at what iv done. I’m feeling really low and now o feel awful that iv made ds feel bad.
i don’t know what to do anymore!

OP posts:
Testina · 08/07/2022 08:43

The most immediate thing you can do that will make a different is stop taking that call from your mother!
I bet you’re thinking, “oh but the fall out…” but, you’re not happy now. So better to be not happy from fall out but at least have removed the daily confidence undermining.
Speak to her once a week if you want to - and start cutting her off when she criticises. Not subtly - “mum, I’ve told you, I’m not going to listen to criticism”.

Then put your foot down with your son - gently of course, but firmly. Do you have a fixed contact schedule? So is Xmas always 2 days for example, or gets dragged out? Put some certainty into it. Then tell your son to suck it up (nicely!) if his father is OK, just your son can’t be bothered. Agree on what to tell his dad - and stick to it, both of you. That might be, “he struggles splitting his time too much, he only wants to stay for the normal time, thank you.”

mycatisannoying · 08/07/2022 08:46

You poor thing Flowers
If only we could see onto the future when we were young, eh OP?
I'd have made some very different choices Grin
Really feel for you and hope things start to look up soon x

MissSmiley · 08/07/2022 08:46

How old are your kids? Why did you split with their dad?

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2022 08:48

Testina · 08/07/2022 08:43

The most immediate thing you can do that will make a different is stop taking that call from your mother!
I bet you’re thinking, “oh but the fall out…” but, you’re not happy now. So better to be not happy from fall out but at least have removed the daily confidence undermining.
Speak to her once a week if you want to - and start cutting her off when she criticises. Not subtly - “mum, I’ve told you, I’m not going to listen to criticism”.

Then put your foot down with your son - gently of course, but firmly. Do you have a fixed contact schedule? So is Xmas always 2 days for example, or gets dragged out? Put some certainty into it. Then tell your son to suck it up (nicely!) if his father is OK, just your son can’t be bothered. Agree on what to tell his dad - and stick to it, both of you. That might be, “he struggles splitting his time too much, he only wants to stay for the normal time, thank you.”

I agree with all of this!

XelaM · 08/07/2022 08:52

Tell your son he is lucky his dad WANTS to spend as much time with him as possible, so he should appreciate being so loved by both parents. Can't he just take some screen-type device with him to play at his dad's so it's less boring?

Testina · 08/07/2022 09:00

I don’t think OP has said that her son finds it boring? Understanding why he doesn’t want to go is important. OP says dad can be forceful about things. Well, my daughter would say in forceful about homework, and about going to clubs we’ve committed to - whereas her dad would say, “sack it off, have a lie in” and she openly says she’d be bottom set at school if she lived only with him.

Sometimes, children like time with both parents but they’re home birds and just find a second home difficult. Not the fault of the other parent.

YouCantSpellAmericaWithoutErica · 08/07/2022 09:05

Stop taking calls from your mother. Yeah she might kick off but if you’re not taking calls from her it won’t be at you. So that takes care of that.

What is it that your son struggles with regarding contact with his dad? Your son needs to be honest with his dad (or let you be honest with him) or how can his dad fix this? Is he scared of his dad? Scared of hurting him as he’d feel guilty?

I can sympathise with you and your son about this as I have children who don’t like to visit their father and he in turn has no interest in fixing things from his end which are his to fix and I can’t make right. But I know I did the right thing by telling my ex the problems and giving him chances to tackle it.

Lifelessordinary1 · 08/07/2022 09:06

I think you need to be a bit more assertive with your son - he is putting you in this position. I know he is only 11 but i would give him a choice..

Either we sit down together with his Dad, explain things and work out a schedule or he goes to stay with him without complaint.

It sounds like your ex is an OK kinda guy and so would be open for a chat - i would approach it with a bit of a - he's getting older, just likes chatting to his friends, playing on a screen etc - portray it as a typical parent problem of getting your son to spend any time with his parents as its not cool etc. Keep away from saying it is a problem with spending time at his Dads and more as a typical preteen problem you need to work out together.

If he was just a couple of years older i was say step out of the conversation and let them arrange visits themselves without you getting involved but your son may be a bit young for that right now - but you know if this would work.

Iwonder08 · 08/07/2022 09:12

If he is old enough to decide he doesn't want to see his dad then he is old enough to tell his dad himself.

TheSoundOfLunch · 08/07/2022 09:12

It seems a bit strange that he doesn’t want to spend time with his dad. What is it he doesn’t like?

itsgettingweird · 08/07/2022 09:12

Stop taking calls from your mother.

Get in the car and take ds for a drive through about 20 minutes from home. Once in the car be open and honest with him.
Explain to him that you will always have his back and respect his feelings. But you are t making excuses for him. He has to own his decisions - especially at his age.
He can tell his dad what he does and doesn't want to do but he has to talk to both of you about those decisions and respect you will want to discuss them.

He's opting out of life and that's a really bad habit to get into and will cause him problems in the future.

Plus you are setting a precedence with ds that if he doesn't want to do something you'll lie and make excuses for him. That is damaging in the long term as he won't learn to face the consequences of his own actions and decisions.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 08/07/2022 09:29

I know how difficult this is, as I've been there.

Aged 11 (and not sixteen) I understand you can't completely butt out of the relationships your DS has with his dad. As you have to facilitate transport etc.

However you do NOT have to manage it.

Amongst all the financial, emotional and practical jobs you already have to do - this is NOT something you have to be responsible for.

It is his dad's responsiblity and the sons to manage their relationship.

So please, let HIM get on with it. The most you should have to do is when it goes pear shaped - (which it sounds like it is and that is not your fault it is his dad's fault - is give your son a hug say 'oh dear' and that is IT.

It is NOT your job. Step back and manage and control what is appropriate for YOU.

jeaux90 · 08/07/2022 09:54

Stop taking calls from the mother.

Get yourself in a position with your son where he can't walk away and explain his voice is important. That as parents you will both listen to him. That nothing he tells you both will be ignored but he needs to find his voice with his dad.

Helping teens find their voice can be challenging (mine DD13 has ASD so often refuses to say something)

jeaux90 · 08/07/2022 09:55

Oh and you aren't a shit mother at all, being a parent can be massively challenging, hardest job you will ever have.

Lollypop701 · 08/07/2022 10:06

i would tell my son that he can’t continue to lie to his dad, because this doesn’t work . By lying to him you kind of are getting in the way of the relationship… completely understand why you are doing this but look at it from dad’s point of view, all he can see is you are stopping him seeing his son. If dad understands it’s his son’s issue he can look to change his interactions and build a better relationship. You are not a shit mum you are stuck in the middle which is never a nice place to be! Plus stop the calls with your mum, she’s not helping

stayingpositiveifpossible · 08/07/2022 10:30

jeaux90 · 08/07/2022 09:55

Oh and you aren't a shit mother at all, being a parent can be massively challenging, hardest job you will ever have.

Yes this. And you don't get an instruction manual so thank heavens there are mums and dads/carers on here to offer advice.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread