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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a golddigga

17 replies

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 20:56

I'm kidding, I'm not.

However I am a bit worried. I've never been particularly materialistic and I'm from a family which has, I suppose, placed a lot of value on education and academia rather than money or things. I love browsing charity shops and usually buy second hand for DC (cheaper and environmentally friendly!).

I've met a man a few months ago, I wasn't really looking to date because I'm so busy with DC, but he's a lovely man, emotionally intelligent, kind and considerate and generally we're happy. We're gettting to the stage that it's becoming serious and the sticking point for me is finances.
He has a lot of debt, but -to his credit- he is tackling it (bankruptcy). I'm not flush myself and I've been in a pickle before (these days we get by), so I'm not judging him. But it worries me. Long term what it would mean for us as a family. Although he has addressed many issues, I'm not wholeheartedly convinced he is that great with money yet.

AIBU and am I a GD?

OP posts:

WafflyVersatileOohOoh · 07/07/2022 20:57

Why are you even worrying about this after such a short period of time?

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 20:58

Because when you get a bit older you tend to think long term and try to be sensible I suppose?!

OP posts:

user30 · 07/07/2022 20:59

I golddigger is someone who dates a rich person for their money rather than because they are attracted to them. You are being financially prudent because you are a sensible person with responsibilities.

DenholmElliot1 · 07/07/2022 21:01

It would depend on a few factors for me. How old is he? How much does he owe? Why is he unable to pay it back?

Always remember, no-one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

PlaidBlanket · 07/07/2022 21:01

To be a ‘gold digger’ you’d have to be consciously seeking out a relationship with someone richer than you, with his money being a key element in his attraction for you — why on earth would a single parent raising young children be a ‘gold digger’ for not wanting to entangle her own hard fought financial security with someone with considerable debt and no financial self-control or intelligence?

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 21:01

That makes sense - being financially prudent. We haven't had the easiest time (me and DC) and I think I'm protective of that. It does make me feel a bit mean though, I don't know why.

OP posts:

SavoirFlair · 07/07/2022 21:01

You're not a golddigger. You just don't potentially want to date someone with differing financial values.

Case closed.

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 21:03

Dehholm - late 40s (older than me) and he got in a real mess towards the end of his marriage (which he realises). He got made redundant so I think he just doesn't have the earnings now to pay it back, but he does work and rent a home etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 21:04

When you say it like that Plaid, yep..it makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 21:05

Thanks Savoir, it's simple really I suppose.

I think because I've been in a pickle before I feel like a hypocrite to back off, though I'm not in a mess now (we get by)

OP posts:

DenholmElliot1 · 07/07/2022 21:06

He got into a mess towards the end of his marriage OK but that money was spent on something and I'd be wanting to know what and how much does he owe. I wouldn't consider a bankrupt man approaching 50 to be husband/partner material to be honest.

I'd certainly date him and have some fun though, nothing wrong with that.

BiscuitLover3678 · 07/07/2022 21:07

You are definitely not a gold digger. You are protecting yourself. You have a child!! You are listening to your gut.

SquirrelSoShiny · 07/07/2022 21:09

I would be very careful not to give up any of your financial security for a flakey man.

I would have judged your attitude in my twenties as a singleton. In my forties with DC I wouldn't risk our financial security for anyone.

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 21:11

Denholm I don't know exactly but I think it was general living expenses and both living beyond their means (more him though); think he buried his head in the sand, which he admits.

I think he seems less of a grown up to me somehow because of this (which may be unfair to him, or not) and I struggle to respect him I suppose.

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsadilema22 · 07/07/2022 21:13

Thank you biscuit and squirrel, I needed to hear/read that.

As much as he's genuinely lovely, it doesn't sit well with my gut.

OP posts:

velvetvixen · 07/07/2022 21:32

Don't move him in to your home. So many broke men target lone parents, move in and are difficult to get out once their feet are under the table.
Cocklodger threads galore on MN!

Not saying your new man is one, just be wary, and dont entangle finances.

SquirrelSoShiny · 07/07/2022 21:45

Yes just to add I'm not saying end a happy relationship. Just absolutely don't even consider living together for a few years. If he's serious he will prove he's financially responsible. Also don't subsidise his lifestyle while he saves money to clear his debt/ spunk it up the wall on rubbish.

I've seen a lot of threads on here where men moved in by stealth with single mums. They saved a lot of money on food / electric/ nights out etc while the woman paid all her increased bills because he wasn't officially living with her.

Remember: money that goes his way is money robbed from your children and you.

Don't get obsessive just keep a watch on his habits. When he shows you who he is - for good or ill - pay attention.

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