“You’re brave”

[Anothernosebleed]

Fed up of hearing this as a parent of a child with SEN. We live with my partner, who is not my DS’s dad, but I’m obviously fully responsible for his care. He’s 5 and has ASD, suspected ADHD, and an attachment disorder (disinhibited social engagement disorder). This means that on days out he will always talk to strangers and befriend them, usually adults.

I take my DS out a lot, just me and him. Maybe once a month we have a big day out. We also do lots of things with DP.

But whenever I’m out alone with DS on big days out, he inevitably gets talking to adults and so I usually apologise and give a basic explanation of neurodiversity. Almost every time I get told “ooh and you’ve brought him out on your own? You’re brave!”

dont get me wrong, I KNOW it is said lighthearted and just a throwaway harmless phrase with no ill intent at all. But I’m fed up of being told I’m “brave” for taking my child out, as if he is such hard work I should just stay indoors and keep him locked up. He’s started to pick up on it and he’s extremely bright and I don’t want him seeing himself as a burden, particularly as he has quite low self-esteem any due to early childhood trauma.

WIBU to start giving a head tilt, hard stare, and asking “why?”.

Stop apologising........

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all. Make them think about why they're saying something like that. Yes it may just be a throwaway comment but it has an impact. I get it a lot as I'm disabled so if I'm out alone with the kids strangers like to tell me how brave I am... as if its brave of me to try and cope alone. I know my limitations, just as you know yours and DSs. You know what you can both handle so it's not brave, it's just parenting.

Or, alternatively, 'I'm not brave, I'm his mother'.

@MammaWeasel because of his DSED apologies are almost always warranted. Think climbing onto a strangers lap for a hug, kissing etc. Doing a LOT of work with him on it but also waiting on an appointment with GOSH trauma and attachment team and he will need a lot of therapy for a very long time so it’s not an easy fix.

By apologising, you're saying "he's doing something I don't approve of and I can't prevent him doing it". Their assumption, therefore, that you're brave for taking him out when you know he'll do something you don't approve of and you can't prevent him is accurate.

If you don't want people to think you're brave and say so then you need to stop apologising. If you're concerned that DS will pick up that strangers perceive him as a burden on you then why aren't you concerned that your own actions could also be perceived as saying that?

My family are Irish - every single one of us would talk to the stones in the road. It's not a flaw and it's not to be apologised for either. It's far better that DS is uninhibited and empowered in this way.

I personally wouldn't want to make friendly people feel bad for what is a throwaway comment, no more than smalltalk. If they have been polite enough to engage with your child in a nice way and listen to your explanation about neurodiversity, they sound like nice folk to me. After listening to your talk it is obvious shorthand for 'that sounds like a lot of additional effort or work for you.' If you don't like their responses, don't engage them in the first place to remove any risk of offence.

Ah right, that's clearer thank you.

Jeez. People are awful op, I'm sorry.

Just say, "and you're brave saying a thing like that to my face" and walk off.

It’s hard not to apologise when a child (the size of a 9 year old) is touching strangers.

I engage with people with additional needs in public all the time. On todays day out, I held a gate open for the people behind us and the young man who had additional needs thanked me with a hug. The adult with them apologised and I said “that’s ok, have a great day buddy!”. I didn’t tell their adult they were brave for daring to venture out with them.

Maybe rather than trying to explain neurodiversity in a couple of sentences, just say something like 'he's super friendly!'. A 9 yr old is still very young and as the parent of an asd child who was similar they do grow out of it (get enough knock backs by peers eventually).

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea thats not a bad idea, thank you. He’s not 9 he’s still only 5, just the size of a 9 year old! But obviously to strangers looks much older so can be very confusing why he’s climbing all over them (at least with a toddler they can brush it off as them just being young).

YANBU but stop explaining yourself to complete strangers. Don’t feel like you have to do it. You don’t owe them anything!

You’ll get lovely, friendly adults who will enjoy having conversations with your son. & you’ll get rude, arrogant adults who will want to get away and ignore him. & then you’ll get people who are a bit inbetween. & you don’t owe any of them any explanation or apologies.

@FlissyPaps but it's not just conversations, is it? Most people do not want a child (who looks like they're 9) climbing on them and kissing them. There's nothing rude or arrogant about not wanting an unknown child touching and kissing you.

OP, it does seem an insensitive thing to say but I don't think it's meant to be hurtful.

@user1471457751 thats exactly it, isn’t it. He isn’t able to understand boundaries and people have every right not to be touched by him so I do feel the need to apologise!

I know it’s not meant to be hurtful but maybe because it happens so often it is just starting to get to me. I don’t feel brave. Exhausted, but not brave.

Probably they are just caught unprepared with something to say to a stranger who comes up to them and tells them the details of their child's neurodiversity. It would be unkind of you to try to make them feel uncomfortable for not knowing what to say when they were just going about their business and you have approached them to talk about your sons neurodiversity. Perhaps just let your son talk to them if he wants to and they are happy to talk to him and are being friendly back and remain polite.

Not everyone knows ins and outs of these "issues". Not everyone knows what's the right thing to say on the spot. I don't think it's bad people saying you're brave. Could be saying a lot worse seeing that a "9 year old" hugs,kisses, climbs in strangers laps. If you don't want any replies, maybe just a quick apologetic smile and removing your child will do

Maybe they can see how exhausted you are, and how much extra work is involved in caring for your son and keeping him safe. I really think they are in awe of your parenting and it is intended as a compliment. They are really saying that, if they were in your shoes, they wouldn't be organised or capable enough to leave the house.it's clumsy but well meant imo. I can see how it might wear thin if you hear it a lot and maybe you do need a good response, but not one designed to hurt them after they've been happy to engage with your son and you.

@Replacethis ffs I’m not approaching strangers just to talk about my son’s neurodiversity am I 🙄 and it’s not a case of just letting him talk to strangers. As I’ve said several times now he will literally hug, touch, climb, try to kiss them. That warrants something of an explanation, and it is usually just a “I’m sorry, he’s younger than he looks and struggles with boundaries”. Which will usually prompt a “oh it’s ok don’t worry” because people are usually nice, and then them talking to him and me. Any conversation is almost always instigated by others!

can see how it might wear thin if you hear it a lot and maybe you do need a good response, but not one designed to hurt them after they've been happy to engage with your son and you.

you’re absolutely right because of course there are several occasions where people don’t really engage so nothing is said, so it is only those who then happily encourage conversation who end up saying it. And they are always kind and polite to him. So I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. I just don’t want him to feel like a burden.

Maybe you need a response that your son will be proud to hear.

'Oh I don't see it that way at all. I love spending time out and about with him, he's my favourite person in the world.' Or something more suited to your circumstances.

Maybe you could just say "my son is far braver". And leave them to think about that...perhaps they'll reflect on how their attitude might make the world an uncomfortable place for people with ASD. Or it'll go right over their head but your son will be proud to hear you say that!

@justfiveminutes I think you’ve nailed it. Could say exactly that and make everyone involved feel better and not worse.