XH comments to DD

[Bouledeneige]

Discussing her forthcoming graduation with DD and going for dinner with me, DS and XH. Discussing plans she says she hopes it won't be awkward between me and her Dad. We've been divorced for 15 years. I said of course it won't be - we've done birthdays as a family for years!

So a few days later she explains. Last year XH said to her he wouldn't do birthday dinners together anymore because he wasn't prepared to 'play happy families any more'. (He's now in a new relationship - I'm not currently).

DD was upset with him and made that clear. She said to me 'tough shit he is part of a family. One he created and then betrayed'. She said that it's not about him, these events are about his children and making them feel special. She also said if anyone should be upset having to get together it should be me (Mum) - as it was me who was betrayed by him causing the divorce.

I'm not sure how much of this she said to him but she did make it clear to him she was pissed off with him.

I was so sorry for DD when she told me. I told her it wasn't about her - it's his shit and probably about me. A bit of me was hurt for me. It's not much to ask - a dinner twice a year. Maybe he didn't like it that I planned these things for the kids so he was fitting in with my plans. But it was all for the kids! He could've sorted it out if he'd wanted.

I'm now thinking I'm going to feel a bit awkward at the graduation and dinner.

Clearly he got the message from DD that what he said wasn't okay. And he's fitted in with her plans. Because it's for her.

It's her birthday tomorrow. We have plans together on Friday and then with DS on Saturday. He has no plans to see her.

AIBU to think he's just a bit of a mean shit for saying that to his daughter? Or is it unusual to expect to do something together once in a while? I have no feelings towards him and the past.

You sound like you have quite strong feelings about him and the past. Which if he did mess you and the kids around is perfectly reasonable.

It sounds like your feelings are being entangled with your daughter’s recent experience. Of course that was an unpleasant thing to say, but he has backed down by the sound of it. Try and be as neutral about it with your daughter as possible, and encourage her to begin catching up with him alone. Now she’s in her early 20s, apart from weddings and christenings, that might be the best thing for their relationship. If he drifts off then all you can do is support your daughter.

Thanks that's helpful. I don't much care about him - he's not relevant really to my life.

But he only sees my DD about 3 times a year and she feels pretty sore about it. That's all been down to their communications and it's been that way since she was 16. Nothing to do with me.

He said he wouldn't be able to make her Art degree final show which upset her a lot. She feels let down by him. He spends more time with his partner and her sons than he does with her and her brother.

I don't think family birthdays are a thing anymore in their 20s. It just seemed sad she was worried he'd be nice at her graduation, because we are her parents and we should acknowledge her achievement. What we feel or don't feel about each other.

I would have thought that a grown woman in her 20s should be perfectly capable of arranging to see her parents separately, in whatever way works, and also understanding that a divorced man doesn’t want to have polite dinners with his ex for the rest of his life. She’s an adult. If you hadn’t mentioned the graduation I’d have thought you were talking about a younger teenager.

I think you seem a bit over-invested in your adult daughter’s relationship with her father. She needs to be navigating that for herself at the point.

…except there are one off events like graduation where you can’t separate things. Ok so they don’t have to all go out for a meal together but they’re gonna be sat together at the graduation ceremony. What are they going to do if DD gets married - there just are events when both parents are going to be in the same room.

And he’s not there as OP’s ex, he’s there as DD’s Father. He’s the one who needs to grow up