For not letting her in.

[peachy3]

I’ve posted about my MIL in the past. She’s very controlling and incredibly possessive over my DP and my DS. Doesn’t really like me, tolerates me for contact with DS.

Today I was supposed to go out with her and DS (3 mo) for the day. However, DS had his second lot of immunisations on Tuesday and has been incredibly grouchy and upset since. I decided to cancel today as he usually sleeps through the night but was awake a lot last night and had spent the morning crying non stop. I was on the phone to DP whilst I decided I was going to cancel and he said he would tell her for me as he could hear DS screaming in the background. This afternoon he text me and said he’d lied (why?!) and said that he had taken the pram to work by accident so I couldn’t meet up with her. She told him she would pick the pram up from him and come and pick us up. I told him to tell her the truth, that DS was achy and upset from his jabs still and I decided to keep him home and he did. She asked him if she could come over and he said we would come to her on the weekend when he’s feeling a bit better. An hour later she’s at my door ringing the doorbell and phoning me. Now her house and ours are not close, takes about 40 minutes to get here from where she lives so she definitely wasn’t just passing by. I didn’t answer the door or the phone as I had just started feeding DS and to be honest I was really irritated. I was in an old baggy T-shirt that DS had spit up on multiple times this morning and the house was a tip as neither of us has had the time to tidy since DS has been a bit of a handful. I ignored the door and my DP phoned me to say MIL had called him asking why I was ignoring here. I told him she was stood outside (which she didn’t mention to him) and that she hadn’t told me she was coming so she can go home. I was tired, stressed out and had been crying myself as I just couldn’t settle him. He called her back and said she shouldn’t have just turned up as I had been having a challenging day with the baby. She stubbornly said she was going to sit in the car and wait for him to come home but eventually she left. DP has seemed a little off with me since coming home and has said he feels bad that she went home. I personally am not feeling bad, she knows the baby isn’t himself and she’s been told once before about showing up unannounced, I wouldn’t let my own mother do it and I know that she wouldn’t. I’m not making a rod for my own back by allowing it, she’ll be turning up all the time otherwise and I’m not having it, I have boundaries.

WIBU?

I agree about boundaries.

But I also maybe would have handed her the baby and gone up for a sleep and made the most of her insistence on spending time with him.

Well done for standing up for yourself. If you had answered the door no doubt she'd have barged her way in somehow. DP needs to back you up! Not pander to her.

Why men have to lie to their parents is beyond me, dp needs to man up and stop pussy footing around these controlling parents.

You did the right thing by not answering the door @peachy3 👍🏼

I totally understand where you're coming from but I think once the rubber met the road and she was outside you should have let her in. She was being rude but you topped it by just ignoring her so you lost any point you were trying to make.

I do feel you, I'd have probably done the same thing!

You did great.

Do not agree to anymore day trips with this woman.

Sadly, I think your dh is very enmeshed with his Mother and will struggle support you.

I disagree with posters saying once mil was there OP should have let her in. She has to learn that if they say no they mean no, all she will learn if she is let in when she turns up after they have expressly told her not to is that she doesn't have to listen to what they say because if she pushes the boundaries they will give in. This will make her impossible to deal with in the future and could eventually lead to estrangement. Sharply and firmly nip it in the bud NOW before it gets any worse.

If you tell your DC to be good or you will take them home, and then they mess about, you take them home.
They then learn not to do this again.
OP has just done the equivalent with her MIL.
Wonder how quickly she will learn?

And, yes, as PP says, don't agree to day trips.

With your update you owe her nothing. Well done for standing your ground and reduce the contact

100% wouldn't have let her in either.

Your DH should have just said that he was ill from his jabs. That should have stopped all this nonsense

Just text her from now on. Keep the messages polite but functional. If DP wants to then sugar coat it he can, but you know the right information is getting through.
id also day she can’t see the kids without him there. I wouldn’t be facilitating visits and trips for someone who was rude to me.

Well done your for standing your ground.

She's been incredibly selfish here. Just wanting what she wants, and not a care in the world if suits or makes sense.

Tell her husband it's fine if he feels bad, but you don't and you won't stand for being put in a a situation like that again.

Totally disagree with people saying you should have let her in. She was told no and if you’d have wanted her help you’d have asked for it. I definitely wouldn’t let someone guilt me into letting them in by hovering outside my house, how horrific for you being almost held hostage by this woman, what would have happened if you’d wanted to take LO out in the pram etc. I’d have been fuming.

She needs to respect your decisions and DP just needs to tell the truth and tell her to back off.

I think this is probably right- it might have been better for you to phone her directly so she could hear from the horses mouth. Being kind to her, it might also have given her the opportunity to ASK you if you would like her to pop over to clean, make you a cuppa, take the baby for 20 mins etc.

You say in a previous post that since DS she is making an effort (to get to DS in your opinion). I wonder if it is really that calculated or whether she has just come to the realisation that you are the mother of her GC and therefore you are her family now so she is making an effort with you. A small distinction but one that is there if you are willing to acknowledge it.

You say also that you 'are never going to get on'. I completely understand why you would say this, however, I'm wondering if it's really such a good idea to have such a rigid idea of how your relationship will be in future. You hear plenty of stories on mumsnet about DILs and MILs who didn't get on to start but over the years have at least built a relationship that works for everyone. This woman is going to be in your and your DS's life forever- would it be worth thinking ' we may be able to make it work going forward if we set good boundaries for each other' rather than 'we'll never get on'.

I think try to wipe the slate clean a bit but obviously hold firm boundaries, you may be surprised.

You may not, but at least you will have tried with her I guess.

Weak men are the reason so many in-law relationships turn sour. You were absolutely right not to let her in - she needs to learn that she does not have rights to enter your house or make demands regarding your baby!
My in laws used to turn up with no warning and spend all day in my house - sometimes I just hid upstairs and pretended to be out. I did get them in the end to phone first and ask but a lot of damage was done by their assumption that my time was just up for grabs, irrespective of what I thought about it!