Online dating post DV

[Senmum2013]

Afternoon mumsnetters. I’ve slowly started to dip my toe into the world of OLD. Have been single for quite a while following an extremely abusive relationship. If I’m honest I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to trust again and not sure how I feel about being intimate again with someone (the abuse included sexual).
I decided to try OLD, downloaded an app put up a couple of pics. Ended up matching with someone and we exchanged a couple of messages. We were both equally slow to respond to each other’s messages (me due to work and, tbh, fear 🙄) anyhow, I think came across as quite not interested tbh and I now regret this. The messaging then stopped (me responding to his question and asking him something back, which he didn’t respond to) which I wonder whether if Id responded differently then it may have flowed a bit longer before fizzling out. I'm struggling with it all a bit as it feels like I’m still being controlled by my abusive ex, as I can’t even relax and just ‘chat’ to someone.
has anyone any advice or even success stories after DV?
I’ve resigned myself to likely being alone for the rest of my days (I’m only 39). I thought of messaging the match back but then I look bloody desperate.
I’ve no contact with my ex (restraining order and he’s not allowed contact with the kids) so I’ve know idea what he’s doing now but I just feel that he’s left me so damaged I’m terrified of men.

Hi, this sounds really hard.
I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship that escalated to violence when I was younger. I was so relieved to be out of it, I threw myself into dating. I now wish I'd taken a bit more time to myself and got some therapy before becoming involved with men again.

I'm currently at the beginning of a painful split from my partner who has mental health issues and addiction issues, and I can see myself being in a similar position to you when I do get to the dating stage again. I'm mid thirties so similar to you.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but want to send sympathy and solidarity. Are you having any therapy? It's really helped me in the past. I'd also say, don't try to shut down any feelings you have, maybe get interested in what emotions you have and try to think them through, be interested in them. Don't feel you have to rush into dating someone now if it doesn't feel comfortable. I know it's hard to say at our age as it can feel like that would be easy to do in late twenties but is so much more difficult now, but I think it's important to give yourself time and space and progress at a pace that feels comfortable. And work on making a full life that makes you feel happy and secure, aside from relationships. This is my plan anyhow. Best wishes.

Thank you @Cyberworrier yes I’ve had DV specific therapy 6 years ago when I managed to escape the relationship. I’ve now restarted therapy but more for all areas of my life not just the trauma left by him. It’s been 7 years and I guess I just feel that life is passing me by. I do have children but they are getting older now (I was a youngish mum) and 2 have SEN which just makes life hard. I guess I’m craving for someone to care about me. I’m aware that’s probably an unrealistic expectation but I just feel so sad that I’ve nobody to enjoy life with.
im sorry that you have gone through a similar experience and sorry that your current relationship has broken down. But, thank you for understanding, I truly think unless you’ve lived a situation you can never truly understand it. Xx

It is hard OP. I started dating again very soon after splitting up with my (mainly emotionally/psychologically) abusive ex. I was 30 at the time, two young kids, very vulnerable. My heart got bruised a bit falling for unsuitable men in the early days, probably because of my vulnerability. I also have a lot of fear and trust issues still to this day, nearly 4 years on, so when I date it's very casual and I do struggle with long term relationships.

Did you ever do the freedom programme? I did find that really helpful x

@Senmum2013
It's not an unrealistic expectation to want someone to care about you- at all!

You sound like a lovely woman who has been through a lot- and you have such strength to have done that.
Have you considered one of the paid for dating apps/sites, as then there would be less time wasting types hopefully?

I think I'm going to start doing stuff like going to cinema by myself or to galleries, like I did in my 20s- I don't want to not be able to do these things because I'm by myself. (Partner gave up doing stuff like that with me ages ago anyhow). Have you got interests you like you could focus on too (and potentially meet someone through?).

It's really hard to get out of the headspace of low self worth after abusive relationships. And also to feel uncomfortable with nice/healthy people because they seem so unfamiliar.

You/we all will get there in the end.

I'm reading "Women who love too much", a 90s self help book, and I'm finding it really interesting/eye-opening about unhealthy relationships.

Don’t really have many interests tbh. I think I’ve become a bit of a hermit (not helped by covid). I go for a run but not the gym. I’m limited to free time due to work/children. Which makes me question when I would even find time to meet someone.
thank you for the kind messages x

I know it's hard/possibly impossible but maybe that would be somewhere to start- trying to carve out a bit of time for yourself, whether that's for runs or to try something new. One good thing that came out of Covid is that there are more online courses etc now than before, so maybe even trying something online if you can't get out.

Online dating is knackering and fraught at the best of times and you've been through a lot.

Have you tried the freedom program? freedomprogramme.co.uk/