To not have any friends whatsoever?

[Theneverendingtories]

Looking to see how unusual this is. It seems it’s not very common. As a child and a teen I had an average amount of friends and did very typical stuff. I have one grown up child and one small child at home. Since I had my youngest I seem to have lost the last two friends I’d passively kept in touch with. Then I moved to a new area and I’ve not felt the need to bother at all. I used to like going out socialising now and then but when I had my son I lost all my confidence because my perfect figure was now a wobbly belly that really stuck out and still looked preggers and I’ve been saving for the last 3 years to get it fixed which is happening in November ! So excited. It’s funny though because other than my kids and partner I see no one at all. I see my parents 3-4 times a year , siblings about the same . That’s it. I couldn’t name a single parent at the school . I’m not sure whether this is really unusual? I’m nearly 42 I run my own small company from home , alone. I have two degrees , one in science one in a creative subject I have lots of interests but they’re all things I can do alone . How weird am I?

You sound happy without any friends so who cares if it’s weird or not?

I don't know about weird, I'm sure plenty of people don't interact much with others, but does it bother you?

Are you happy OP? I don't think its overly unusual to have no friends outside of family as you get a bit older but the level of interaction with other people that you've described here is quite unusual. I guess working from home plays a big part in this.

I think you sound quite self-absorbed, to be honest. You stopped seeing all your friends because your ‘perfect figure’ had been altered by pregnancy?

Yeah that’s probably a bit to vague. I’ve always had low self esteem and been a bit obsessive about my looks. It comes from a place of trauma . I was so depressed after he was born I didn’t leave the house for months and because I was so unwell I couldn’t bring myself to see or speak to anyone as I was afraid they’d see how badly I was failing and it started this loop effect . It was easier to just let the last couple of friends drop off the radar. I’m not depressed anymore I’ve got some great stuff going on with my life but I’ll never be quite the same I don’t think. It doesn’t help that partner and I both come from strange families that don’t like kids so we’ve never had a night out or night off and we don’t get invited to their stuff anymore. I absolutely adore my home and work very hard on it , I have arty hobbies etc so I’m relatively okay. I just hate how I look now .

@PlaidBlanket Think that's a bit unfair. I thought we were now encouraging women to say positive things about themselves. No?

Anyway, OP, as others have said, it doesn't matter if it's "weird" or unusual. If you're happy with the situation, then it really doesn't matter.

I do think it's much more common to be friendless or have few friends these days though. I don't have loads, but did when I was a teen/ young adult. I decided to get proactive recently and make some more, but that's because I was unhappy with not having many, due to house moves etc.

Only thing I would say though is, if you found yourself single, dc flown the nest etc, would you then feel lonely and like you could do with a friend?

Do you miss having friends?
Do you have time for friends?

it’s really up to you, but remember your children have their own life and one day will leave. You do may die/leave. It’s not a terrible idea to have friends as you get older, mine are a huge asset to my life.

My parents are dysfunctional and I'm low contact. My closest friends I've known 20 to years. They are amazing. I wouldn't know what I'd do without them. I think it's important to have a life away from your partner with separate interests. But if you are happy as you are it's not strange as it works for you.

I think you’re asking the wrong question.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s “normal” or “weird”. What matters is whether you’re happy with your life.

If not, work out why and take steps to address it.

Well SNBlurker , this is the issue isn’t it? I don’t know. Oldest lives half hour away and I see her once a week on average, so assuming the little one does the same when he’s 20 that’ll leave me with very little interaction while DP is at work. I’ve always struggled with friendships , I’ve never really ooened up to people I hate asking for help or admitting I’m struggling etc although I like helping others out so I’ve always had these friendships where I did a lot for people but could never bring myself to ask for help back . I’ve literally struggled through and done so many things on my own in life . I had 7 miscarriages and I don’t think I told anyone about most of them etc apart from the very late one because I’d been obviously pregnant. Ive learnt to do everything from cutting my own hair to building my own sheds to avoid needing help . I guess I’m just a born loner so perhaps I’ll be okay alone in middle age?

I think I found friendships hard if I’m honest. I find people in general tiring. Like If I have to speak to my child’s teachers , that conversation goes round and round in my head while I analyse everything I and they said incase I made myself sound stupid. Also social events / gatherings are horrible I literally cannot wait to leave and again i spend the build up to it rehearsing conversations so I can be ‘sociable’ but I’m shit at it really . DP has to remind me to smile . It’s been a couple of years since we had to go to a wedding. We are so happy at home though we laugh and mess about and never argue . I’ve never managed to be comfortable like that with anyone else . Even my own parents .

OP you sound like an introvert and possibly suffer from social anxiety too. I can relate to both. I find I have stages where I feel more social-able and able to push myself out of my comfort zone to reach out to people, but then can quite easily retreat back into living in my own bubble happily plodding along just absorbed in family life, work and spending time on my own. I’ve learnt to accept it’s just me and how I am. I get mentally exhausted if I’ve socialised too much! I think my friendship circle really grew smaller since the pandemic as I didn’t have to feel guilty not arranging to meet up with friends and socialise. I know I ought to make more of an effort really but some days I think I’m happy how I am and why do I have to have tons of friends/go out to feel I’m living a worthy existence?

Yes I definitely have experienced horrible anxiety in the past and I get paranoid about offending people or upsetting them . I used to have a sort of persona when I was younger where I created a different girl/ young women by wearing lots of make up and coloured contact lenses and going by a different name. Oddly enough that girl was quite wild and good fun and confident . She left when I became a mother of course and I’ve been a shrink wrapped old lady since I think. Even my days off are spent sat in the garden or house avoiding people .

I don’t have a single friend. Im not sure how I feel about it

I think you are probably very introverted.

I do have friends. But I don't actually socialise very often at all and it's rarely me that initiates it - it will generally be a group of three or four and one of the others will say 'We should all get together' so we do. Happy to do that if invited. But it would never be me that says 'We should all get together'. I enjoy it when I do, but I wouldn't want to do it often and only with a very small pool of people I feel comfortable with. I have to know people really, really well to be comfortable with them. My DP is my best friend by a mile.

I think if I was in your situation, I would be fine with it really. I don't think I've ever really felt lonely as an adult, ever, even when i was single and could go ages without seeing anyone. So if you're happy the way things are, you crack on and don't worry about it!

First off it’s not unusual at all. It’s extremely common and masses of people find themselves in this position so don’t be too hard on yourself.

That said, and without wanting to be at all judgement, I do think being in a position where all your emotional needs rest with your partner is not healthy, no. You are very vulnerable if the relationship breaks down and also it’s a huge benefit to have variety in your human contact.

So I don’t agree with the people who say: “if you’re happy, who cares?” It’s not good to normalise this level of dependency.

I think you probably realise you need to take steps to deal with this. You admit to being “passive” with your friends: friendships do take work and you do need to invest. Start investing.

If you suffer from anxiety, have you had counselling or taken other steps to deal with it? Do you have any hobbies or interests which could be used to cultivate new friendships?

Be kind to yourself and take it slowly. But don’t just passively accept that you don’t need any other people in your life apart from your partner. At your age it’s not a good road to travel.

I'm 31 and I pretty much only see my mum, my partner and DD17mo

I have a friend who moved away, we message a lot but I am probably not going to see her for a very long time now

I have been trying to make an effort to go for lunch with a couple of people I used to know from work every few months.

I think it's hard making friends. I always think people won't like me. It's also hard to maintain friendships.