To not know which man to choose..

[VeryLazyMummy]

Name changed as I posted before so people may guess who I am and posted in AIBU for traffic.

I'm so confused and lost in life at the moment.. I don't know where to start.

Basically when I was pregnant last year I had hyperemesis and suffered terribly with depression while I was pregnant which then developed into severe PND. I wanted to abort my now 9 month old baby girl I was in such a bad place. On top of that I'd suffered the loss of my sister, the pandemic as did we all.. and I had no support. Now ex DP wasn't supportive at all, it was a very lonely time.

I left when my daughter was 3 months old and went to live with my parents, he stayed in the house we both had a mortgage on. So I had to live with my parents and 2 children in my parents bungalow while he stayed in our 3 bed alone as he refused to move out.
I since found out he was talking to and getting explicit photos from a much younger woman (girl, really) while I was pregnant. He was also quite perverted with some requests he asked of me, I think he has a sex addiction. He needs help.

I started to see someone who I already knew and would occasionally chat to. Nothing ever happened while I was with my partner, he was just someone to turn to for support when I had none. We have met up maybe 20 times in the past 6 months.. text every day, have slept together. Which was a breath of fresh air compared to my easily angered ex.
Speak every day. He's kind, gentle, funny and patient with my situation. I kind of felt he kept me separate from his life though , I never met his friends or got invited to any public things with him. He did meet some of my friends though.

I've been on a council house list with no success. My mum told me she needed some space, I stayed in hotels but I spent over £500 and just can't afford it.

Ex said me and children could move back with him. In desperation I did. We slept together once since I moved back. He's been sleeping on the sofa.. hasn't really seem bothered I'm there or helped with our baby. We have kind of been living like we did as a couple, and it's nice to be back in my house.

Part of me thinks do I give it another go.. for the kids, just to see if we can..

But then I'm not sure I can let go of the other man as he's shown me really.. how I should be treated. He's been like a best friend.

I'm torn between wanting to try for my family back together and starting a new life.. but that will be hard as I have very little money.

Any advice please... please no judgement.

Your ex is an unsupportive muppet. You know that. Stop thinking 'he might be nice if...' and move on. Either alone or with the new guy.

Thank you x

I’d say neither
of also say if you jointly own the house and are the mother of this man’s children why the hell are you paying to stay in hotels and on the waiting list for a council house while he is sexting minors and being a deadbeat father

Getting back together with your appalling ex would be absolutely awful for you and the children.

I think you're making a mess of your situation. Your family is going through a difficult time, your kids need you to focus on getting them into a stable situation so why is your priority about which man to choose? You are married so you need to sort out the housing situation, get some counselling for yourself, make sure your kids are ok and then decide on a man. You just had a baby last year, been through alot but have you sought any legal advice about where you stand with your ex?

You need to be honest with both men, and stop sleeping with either of them.

Sex just addles the emotions when you have major decisions to make about you and your little girl's future.

I’d also say neither, focus on you, sorting your life out, getting things stable for your child

getting back with the ex would do nothing good

Find your anger!

Kick useless, perverted ex out. Claim maintenance for the kids. Get an STI done. Get help from CAB with benefits and finances. Get the kids settled.

Give the other man the heave-ho. He's treating you almost as badly by just using you for sex and not like a girlfriend.

Work on your own self esteem.

I agree with Pps who say that it might be good to strike out on your own for a bit. Your ex sounds like the type who would only be reasonable for as it took to reel you in and definitely not the kind of role model your DC need. The new man may be good for you but you are still in a very vulnerable state. Cool things for a bit and, if it’s meant to be, he’ll still be there later on.
I also second the idea of getting legal advice ?Citizens Advice Bureau perhaps. Your ex can’t get away from taking responsibility for his DC.

Neither. Sort yourself and your daughter out first. That’s the priority here.

You need to formally financially separate from your ex

I’m agreeing with the above comments, neither.
First of all you’re not over your ex. You can’t help that and I do understand that them old feelings came flooding back it is totally understandable after all them years together. It’s tough to hear but true he is unsupportive and just overall huge red flags. You are just going to be going round in circles for even attempting any sort of relationship with him.
Second, this new guy sounds like he is the better of the two but because you’re not over ex and are stuck between the two I feel like you’re not ready to commit fully to this new guy. I would suggest focusing on yourself and sorting your living situation out and telling new guy you want to take it slower due to this (wouldn’t recommend sleeping together again)

This is all a bit messy but honestly OP sometimes life gets like that and you shouldn’t be hard on yourself but you are now in charge of how you go forwards and can make things right xx

Neither. Focus on sorting out your living situation and on your kids. Sounds like you've got enough going on.

Omg op I was you. Left dp. Met someone else. 6 months later ex persuaded me he had changed. All the usual patter. We got married 10 weeks later. Regretted it after 2 weeks.

Over 20 years ago and despite making a hash of life in other ways that was my worst mistake. Letting a genuine chance of happiness pass me by. Don't go back op. Do however stop having sex with the ex!! You are messing with your own head and allowing him to do the same.

Sell the house. Ask a solicitor for help if he won't agree.
Tell him he needs to concentrate on being a good df.

Both aren’t great.

Read this carefully!

Don't be the same!

Part of me thinks do I give it another go.. for the kids, just to see if we can.

No, no, no! For the kids, as well as yourself, you should make sure none of you ever have to live with him again. As soon as you said he was easily angered i thought Grab the kids and run.

As PP says Kick useless, perverted ex out. Claim maintenance for the kids. Get an STI done. Get help from CAB with benefits and finances. Get the kids settled.

good luck to you and DC.

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments!
I can't afford the mortgage alone.. I earn £600 a month and claim universal credit so there would be no way I could keep my house? Myself and my daughter are like nomads at the moment with no where we belong

The husband usually moves out and pays for the mortgage, in a divorce settlement. What does your solicitor advise?

You really need to focus on your children and stability now, not which man to choose!