To think you can be emotional ally abused without being aware?

[Simplyredd]

Just that really, my DH seems to always put me down and make me feel small but he does it so subtly I can’t work out the difference. I suppose what I am getting at is, how do you know the difference between normal and abuse?

It doesn't matter if it's 'abuse' or not. He puts you down and makes you feel small. There's no world in which that should be 'normal'.

But he tells me I am lucky as he is the nicest guy ever, his friends and family also thinks he is lovely and the best thing since sliced bread.

Putting you down and making you feel small is emotional abuse, The fact it is so well disguised is psychologically abusive, because you start to feel that you're imagining it. Research Lundy Bancroft, 'the water torturer'.

Yes you can. I’m sorry to hear that your interactions with your DH make you feel small. The fact that you are having these feelings is your gut telling you something is off.

If you are looking for what might be making you feel that way some things that do are:

Being dismissive of your experiences or your emotions pertaining to those experiences.
Equally minimising your emotions in response to something he did that mattered to you and you pulled him up on which he just waved away.
Gaslighting denying something you know to be a fact.
Name calling.
Being overly critical.

There are more others will think of I’m sure.

This is massively red flaggy - nobody that is that lovely will have to reiterate that they are lovely and that you are lucky to have them. My ex used to do this, repeatedly tell me how I wouldn't find anyone else who would put up with me, etc.

Could you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft? This is pretty much widely acknowledged as one of the best books for those who have experienced emotional/physical abuse. Also look up covert abuse/narcassist - my ex was very covert with his behaviour, and whilst I don't think he was outrightly abusive compared so some stories I've read online/here, I also know he behaved abusively towards me.

Yes you can be, you only have to look at threads on here where men are behaving terribly and the woman are asking 'what can I do better to stop this happening, to see they don't even realise.

What kind of things does your husband do?

Well, so what? His friends and family aren't the ones who are married to him. It doesn't matter what they think of him. It only matters how he makes you feel.

If he makes you unhappy, he is not the man for you. It might be emotional abuse or it might not - but the point is that he is making you miserable and that's not OK.

i promise you what he is doing is definitely not normal. Not sure on all the new wording for these types of situations but he is making himself look good to the outside world and you feel like shit. Please dont put with that you are worth more than that. Good luck OP

That is pretty common for these types. They tend to be charismatic. It doesn’t matter how he treats others - it matter how he treats you.

my ex was very covert with his behaviour, and whilst I don't think he was outrightly abusive compared to some stories I've read online/here, I also know he behaved abusively towards me

That is also the typical situation for them too. Do their behaviour in environments where they have full control.

I think most people who are being emotionally abused aren't aware.

Abusers have a twisted talent for keeping things subtle enough for their victims to doubt themselves and wonder whether they're just being "over sensitive".

But there's no such thing as over sensitive. You're aware that your husband is making you feel small, so you are aware he's being emotionally abusive.

You don't need to analyse the abusers behaviour, you just have to listen to how you're feeling. If something doesn't feel right then it isn't.

There is no level of "normal" for putting down your partner and making them feel small.

Yes, you can be being emotionally abused without being aware of it. If you were aware of it from the get go, you'd leave. Abusers usually start small, get you to normalise their behaviour, and slowly ramp it up. It took me about a decade to realise that my exH was infact pretty damn abusive. Looking back now, after therapy, it's much clearer, at the time though, it was a complete fog.

OP, ask yourself, would you ever treat him the same way? Or try to imagine you're watching some of the events as a third person, as if they were on TV. How would you feel about the behaviour then?

It might help to start keeping a record of times it happens very factual and very unemotional. It means when the emotion cools you can see more clearly what he is doing.

Yeah, I’ve got one of these.

Forever telling me what a good husband he is. But he can never be in the wrong. When you find yourself unable to tell your husbands he’s put the knives away in the wrong drawer, because you don’t want the agro, or you end up having a row because you put too much milk in his tea.

I am seeing a therapist and that has opened my eyes. She told me that he treats me like a child and that I don’t have a voice in our marriage.

I saw a website along the lines of “are you emotionally abused?”

1. do you have difficulty making decisions
2. do you have low self esteem

Those we’re just the first two, but my god I pretty much answered yes to them all.

Its too late for me, it’s been a very long marriage and I am now leaving.

But if he makes you feel bad, so he can feel good - that’s abuse or bullying whatever you want to call it.

Maybe you need to explicitly tell him that you will consider leaving if you can’t go to counselling joint/individually.

I say explicitly because my husband really doesn’t “listen” properly to me. He doesn’t hear me. If I say something he doesn’t like, he tells me I used the wrong tone of voice, and gives himself a reason to ignore me.

Good luck

Yes my husband is never wrong apparently, he says you have to ‘back yourself’

He won’t admit he is lazy, he sees it as a positive that he is able to chill out. He says the things I think he is doing Wrong is only on the back of what I am doing wrong?

But he tells me I am lucky as he is the nicest guy ever, his friends and family also thinks he is lovely and the best thing since sliced bread.

Doesn't matter. None of it matters. He's mean to you. You're not lucky to be with some one who is mean to you, no matter how well he thinks of himself, or indeed how well others think of him. He is mean to you. Why would you put up with that?

Do you have kids with him?

If he was the nicest guy ever, he wouldn’t be making you feel bad! So you know he is gaslighting you. Not nice at all.