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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not think this is that bad (step grandchildren)

25 replies

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 21:51

My mother had two siblings I’ll call them Fran and Stan. My mother had two children, me and my brother. Fran and her husband adopted two children as babies. Stan married a woman with five adult children (she was much older than Stan).

Me, my brother and Fran’s children saw my grandmother every holiday, special event, etc, and were very close. Her son Stan lived in another country (where he met his wife with the five adult children). He and his wife saw my grandmother once a year, were not as close, loved each other but had a rather strained relationship, My grandmother never met her step-grandchildren who were adults all with their own lives in another country.

When my grandmother died, she divided her estate four ways: between Stan, Fran, and my brother and myself because my mother had died before her. She also gave Fran’s children 5K each and my brother and I 5K each. She did not leave anything to Stan’s step children, whom she’d never met.

AIBU or not in thinking this wasn’t that bad of her? She’d never met Stan’s step children, she wasn’t (in my eyes) being spiteful, the adult step children never made an effort to meet her either (understandably I think - they had their blood grandmother on their father’s side in their lives)

When the will was read Stan blew his top. He said if Fran’s children (who had a close relationship with their grandmother) weren’t ‘blood’ - meaning because they were adopted (as babies and knew her 30 years!) then they shouldn’t have gotten anything either.

AIBU to think the way she divided her estate was fair and made sense? Or am I missing something and Stan is right?

OP posts:
Ukholidaylover · 06/07/2022 21:53

Of course she shouldn't have left them any money! Absolutely makes sense that she's done it the way she has.

aSofaNearYou · 06/07/2022 21:54

Stan is being unreasonable, she'd never even met them.

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 06/07/2022 21:54

Surely nobody expects money from a person they haven't ever even met?. Beyond bizarre imo.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/07/2022 21:56

Any estate being split by the way in which the deceased person chooses is “fair”. It’s their money, their choice.

Saying that, I don’t know why she would leave money to people she’d never met before, and the step children have their own family who will leave them inheritance. So NBU.

Leafyjeans · 06/07/2022 21:58

No money to step children is fine, but maybe Stan is annoyed that he got 1/4 rather than 1/3 of estate? Regardless, up to your DGM what she did with her will. Sorry for your loss.

rnsaslkih · 06/07/2022 22:01

It should have been divided

1/3 your mums share split between you & your db

1/3 Stan

1/3 Fran

anything else is really asking for trouble

I don’t think it was bad though what she did. How entitled must Stan be to think that 5 adults she never met should inherit.

mumwon · 06/07/2022 22:01

grandmother had every right to leave her money to who she chose & could exclude any of her children or all of them & left it to Battersea dogs home if she wanted to
No one has the right to inherit another persons money no matter how close tot he person they related to

Freeasabird76 · 06/07/2022 22:02

It was up to your gran how it was set up but the fairest way would have been a third to stan,a third to France and a third shared between you and your brother.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2022 22:03

He said if Fran’s children (who had a close relationship with their grandmother) weren’t ‘blood’ - meaning because they were adopted (as babies and knew her 30 years!) then they shouldn’t have gotten anything either.

That’s disgusting. I wouldn’t be talking to Stan again.

Freeasabird76 · 06/07/2022 22:03

Fran not France ffs

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 22:05

I spoke to Fran who handled the estate and mentioned I’d like to give my 1/4 to her and Stan. She dissuaded me, saying this is how my grandmother wanted it and bringing it up would only open up a can of worms with Stan (who she gets along well with outside of the comment about her adopted children not being ‘blood’ which stung mightily - understandably so)

OP posts:
Margotshypotheticaldog · 06/07/2022 22:06

She could have given it all to a cats home. It's her choice.
Suggest to Stan that he split his own share with the step children.

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 22:07

I’m sorry it WAS 1/3 of my mums share split between me and my brother. Apologies.

OP posts:
Holymole · 06/07/2022 22:09

Stan is being a knob.

SmellyPuppy · 06/07/2022 22:09

Your Grandmothers money, your Grandmothers choice! If Stan is that upset that his step-children didn’t receive anything, he can always split his inheritance with them?

Margotshypotheticaldog · 06/07/2022 22:10

Freeasabird76 · 06/07/2022 22:02

It was up to your gran how it was set up but the fairest way would have been a third to stan,a third to France and a third shared between you and your brother.

This would have been the fairest way. But tbh the " not blood" comment shows Stan up for the greedy little money grabber he really is. Maybe it's his wife driving it?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/07/2022 22:10

Its not about blood ties, it's about how close you are and how much effort you make. Simple as that

ShirleyPhallus · 06/07/2022 22:13

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 22:05

I spoke to Fran who handled the estate and mentioned I’d like to give my 1/4 to her and Stan. She dissuaded me, saying this is how my grandmother wanted it and bringing it up would only open up a can of worms with Stan (who she gets along well with outside of the comment about her adopted children not being ‘blood’ which stung mightily - understandably so)

Why would you give your money to Stan because he’s thrown his toys out of the pram?! Your grandmother wanted you to have that money, why would you override her wishes

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 22:16

Because I felt guilty I’d gotten the 5K plus half of my mother’s share.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/07/2022 22:17

I can’t even make sense of this. Just divide up amongst yourselves as you feel appropriate?

ShirleyPhallus · 06/07/2022 22:18

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 22:16

Because I felt guilty I’d gotten the 5K plus half of my mother’s share.

But if your mother was alive, she’d have got the 1/3rd and you would have got the 5k, then when she died she’d have passed down her 1/3rd to you and you brother anyway?

Your grandmother was just cutting out that middle step

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2022 22:21

Sorry I keep pressing Post too soon! My father died relatively young and never got to retire. My mother also died before she could retire so there was a nice amount my brother and I also shared. I really didn’t think it through though before I offered, as it would have put my brother in a bad position. So I’m glad my aunt dissuaded me.

OP posts:
FuchsAndMöhr · 06/07/2022 22:22

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/07/2022 22:17

I can’t even make sense of this. Just divide up amongst yourselves as you feel appropriate?

But that’s not how it works 🤷🏼‍♀️

2pinkginsplease · 06/07/2022 22:29

Stan is being unreasonable and his comments about your cousins are disgusting.

I have a friend who was adopted and she has a memory of her new baby girl cousin being born and her grandma saying “oh my first granddaughter”. My friend has carried this with her for over 30 years and struggles to bond with her grandma due to this.

Georgeskitchen · 06/07/2022 22:39

Adopted children have the same rights in law as natural children, although your GM didn't need to be reminded of that, she loved them.because they are her grandchildren.
That said, she was entitled to leave her money to whomever she pleased, and Stan is being a complete knobhead and no I don't think he should be given any extra money!!

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