Aibu to want some time to myself?

[cbrenx]

Aibu to want some time to myself?

I have two children aged 3 and 9 months and the last time I had a 'day off' was just over a year ago when I went to the seaside for the day with my partner. Since I had my first I can count on my hands how many days I've had to myself. I absolutely adore my children and love them to bits and I love spending time with them, but after having a year where the longest I've been child free is to nip to the shop I'm starting to feel like I need some 'me time' to reset.

If I want to attend beauty appointments I either have to go on an evening or find somebody mobile. I actually don't do much on an evening because I'm usually knackered or one of the kids isn't asleep and I'm studying a degree. On the odd occasion, maybe once every 3-4 months my mum will come over and sit with the baby monitor so I can go out with my partner (and it's always with my partner never alone or with friends) but i usually spend all day with the kids and put them to bed before we go out so sometimes I'm fighting exhaustion by the point I'm out anyway.

I'm currently sat now with my 3 year old awake, so so far today I've had no downtime. My 3 year old only goes to nursery one day a week as I really can't afford much more nursery time and he's potentially autistic so it's a slow process for him and all of the changes but when he's there I still have my baby anyway.

During lockdown I worked from home and he wasn't at nursery so I was working and looking after him too with some support from my mum.

I guess even with the opportunity of time to myself I wouldn't actually know what to do with it anyway but I do get envious seeing mothers who still live their life to some degree. I don't want much. Maybe 1-2 days a month to maybe go to the gym? Or go to a spa? I don't know really, just something to reset. I feel like I've lost so many friends since I've become a mum and the only friends I have are 'mum friends' and we only ever see each other with the kids present. All of them do things on their own or with other friends though like say drinks, spa days, races etc and some even mini holidays. When I meet them we're usually just attending to our kids so I feel our friendships have changed and we only ever meet for the sake of the kids.

It seems impossible to get time to myself I only have my partner who works a lot and we're having a real rocky time anyway and my mum to rely on. No other family or friends who can help out. I used to want to travel so I've made suggestions to my partner for family holidays with the kids possibly even with my mum. I know it's not time off but it's something to look forward to but he complains about having no money and with the cost of living rising it would even be a stretch to book a holiday for the next 12 months. Plus my mum isn't really fussed about holidays anyway. Whenever my partner isn't at work I have usually booked something for the kids at the weekend as that time as a family is priority for me. And that the kids have that growing up and their special memories. I really never ever consider leaving them with my partner on his day off and going out without any of them. With my eldest being potentially autistic and my partner not his dad i know he would find it hard if I was gone all day and his routine changed too.

I guess some days I feel isolated. I take them to classes 3 days a week and try to socialise with other mothers but it's just not the same socialising as an individual human and not a mum. I feel I've lost some of my identity since becoming a mum and some days I don't want to go get up but I always do no matter how I feel.

I feel selfish for wanting time to myself. I recently just had covid and it was tough looking after 2 kids so my mum came and helped me with them so I could rest a little in the day. I am grateful for that and know my situation could be worse. I am the luckiest woman alive to have my babies. I told my mum how I am feelin and she's offered to pay for me and my partner to go for a meal this weekend when the kids are in bed but I just somehow feel that isn't enough. Plus I want time away from him due to our relationship troubles and feel I want that time for me.

What do I do to change this? Or do I just need to stop moaning and crack on and accept this is motherhood? It's just hard when I see everyone else still living some element of their own life.
How often is normal to have some time to yourself as a mum? Am I being ridiculous?

Why can’t your partner have them? Seems the obvious solution

You have a partner and your mum local, your mum seems happy to babysit so why do you have no opportunity for some time to yourself?
You have a lot more support available than many people. I’m not trying to be like ‘others have it worse’ but it sounds like you just need to make the most of your situation.
Why can’t their dad have them on a Sunday afternoon while you go to the gym?

@BiscoffSundae

Multiple reasons

He works 6-7 days a week. All day. He gets back just before the kids go to bed. When he does have a day off we're usually doing something as a family and out with the kids. On the rare occassion if we're not doing something as a family and he has a day off, then the most I do is nip to the shops alone for an hour at most and run errands that I can't get done in the week when I have the kids with me. Also my eldest is autistic and my partner isn't his dad, he struggles with change. My partner is good with him, but even when I'm out for that hour doing a food shop or whatever he gets really upset and confused. We're having relationship troubles anyway and my partner has said he finds it a handful to have both alone therefore any time I use when he isn't working is short to run those mum errands and nothing more. If it was the most obvious option then I would have done that by now, but unfortunately for me, it isn't. The only people my son will let change his nappy is myself or my mum, nobody else. He isn't potty trained nor will he be any time soon due to autism and severe chronic constipation so I know it would be a struggle for my partner to spend the day with both kids.

Well that wasn’t in your op so I assumed he was his dad, does he see his own dad? tbh I think it’s normal to not get much time to yourself when you have young kids I didn’t have any time to myself until my youngest went to school at 4 but I am a single mum. You are lucky that you do get help from your mum lots of people don’t even get that.

@luxxlisbon

I've posted about my partner above.

my mum is happy to help on occassion but when I ask, it is always a big ask hence why I told her how I was feeling and that's when she offered for me to go for a meal this weekend on the evening when the kids are in bed, with my partner. When I asked if she could have the kids for me for the day she has said she doesn't want to have both kids alone until my baby is older due to the demands of a baby and an autistic child all at once and has said she's really busy at the moment anyway.

@BiscoffSundae it is in my post that my partner isn't his dad. And no he doesn't see his bio dad. I literally have a mum and a partner. I have an aunt 2 hours away. It does seem obvious that they should and can help but it isn't as straightforward as it should be. I've explained below anyway in another post.

I'm sorry to hear you have minimal support too as I am assuming by your response you haven't had much time either. It's hard isn't it.

Like you say maybe I should accept others have less than I do.

Oh sorry I read it again but missed it, my oldest is also autistic and my mum will only have her she will never have my other children so I’m never alone and her she says it is too much. My other family don’t help out because I “chose to have them” I do feel envious of people that have lots of family help.

@BiscoffSundae sorry to hear that. I feel for you and know how hard it is. I've considered asking my mum to have my son and my partner to have my daughter as my daughter is his but getting them both free at the same time is very difficult and I haven't managed to do that yet. Plus I feel awful splitting the kids up for a day and feel like I shouldn't have to. I don't know why it's so difficult for my partner or my mum to have both kids when I have them almost 24/7 myself.

Unfortunately getting two kids looked after (even if they're neurotypical or "an easy child" (hate that phrase) is really hard.

I had a smaller gap than you and alone time was going to supermarket when OH wasn't at work. It was hard and lonely at times but it does get eaiser. And even when their older most play dates are just for one.

You are not unreasonable to feel you need more of break, of course your not, but if my partner worked 6-7 days a week I know he wouldn't be joining us on family days out on the odd day off. Do understand that he almost certainly needs the same.

You say it's hard to coordinate your mum's and a partner's schedule, but TBH you're just going to have to try harder on that one. Explain to them both and try and get them to commit to having 1 each one day, but do be prepared to make sure your partner gets a day to himself too.

I'm not surprised your relationship is rocky right now, you both must be exhausted and with little to no down time. This is reality at this stage though, especially with 2 close in age. I do hope you manage to get a break, 2 days a month is probably pushing it in your circumstances but it won't be like this forever. Good luck