Should I swap my kids' bedrooms?

[oreo2020]

In a 3 bed house with 2 boys aged 14 and 11.

They shared a double bedroom until our aupair moved out of single bedroom. Then the my older moved into the single room and the younger stayed in the double room as this had toys and all the childish stuff.

Now the 14yo is asking to swap the rooms.

Pros and cons:
The 14yo is very tidy and organised and so fits into smaller space better.
The 11yo is incredibly messy (constantly nagging him).
Sometimes I feel like rewarding the 14yo for being tidy with a bigger room.
On the other hand, 14yo is likely to leave home for university sooner.
The 11yo is happier to share (for example, I keep some of common stuff in his room, and he doesn't mind an occasional relative sleepover).
The 11yo doesn't mind swapping but I don't think he grasped the concept of having a bigger space yet (I think he would realise once swapped and will regret).

What should I do?

a smaller room works better for my messy daughter as less chance to mess and easier to tidy - he is older of course he should have the bigger room there is years to go before uni!

I didn't think to be insulted, but I would be insulted if I was thought to be a bad mother due to not willing to give up my master bedroom for the sake of my kids in this situation.

By the way, a single parent doesn't mean I don't have a life.. I have a long-term partner whom I don't live with but who stays over regularly.

@ittakes2 good to know that the mess is contained better in a smaller bedroom (I didn't think of it)

I would give the larger room to the older child until he leaves for university or starts working. At that point swap. He will be at home much less and transitioning out of the house and the younger child will have reached the age where he cares about having a bigger room.

Agree with this!! I think that giving up your room sends entirely the wrong message to your sons: you are the adult in the family and it’s your house!

I think your 14 yo & 11 yo need to discuss and come to a solution

Personally, I would put 14 yo in big room UNTIL university- then his brother gets the big room as living there FT

The older child should have the larger room. He's been very good not to raise it until this point.

I definitely wouldn't give up my own double room either. Even if I was a determined single woman with no plans to have a partner!

Could they share the big toom again and make the wee room into a study/ games room? Put the ps5 etc in there ?

I agree giving up your room gives your sons the wrong message. It is your house why should you squeeze into the small room. You pay the bills, please dont give up your room.

They either need to take turns eg a year each in the big room or live with what they have.

"By the way, a single parent doesn't mean I don't have a life"

I feel sad that you felt the need to point this out.
To be 100% clear: my suggestion of swapping your room (which was just one of a couple of suggestions) was not in any way to do with an assumption that you don't have a life

Give him your room and you move into the smaller one that way they both have the space they need. All you'll do is sleep in your room anyway so it's no biggie

Why aren't you spending time with them and spending time together as a family. If the bigger room is your sanctuary then move into the small one. You don't need much space and it can be redecorated if your son wants it to be. The whole pink for girls thing is rather outdated!

When me and ds moved into our new house he got the bigger room. I’m more than happy with my smaller room - mine too op has a better view - of my garden and beautifully tended allotments beyond. He’s moved out now! I’m still in the smaller room. Room for a double bed though!

How the fuck do pps know that op doesn't 'need much room'. I have seen on other threads people suggesting that the parents should give up their room altogether and sleep on a sofa bed in the living room so their dc can have a room each. 🙄ridiculous. I would give the bigger room to the older boy op, the younger one will get it back eventually.

I'd let the older one have the bigger room. As he's asked for it and the younger one doesn't mind, it shouldn't be too upsetting for anyone. I would also set any expectations up front: e.g., if guests will occasionally still need to stay in the big room, if you'll need to store a few of the younger one's things in the big room, if you'll shuffle again if/when the older one goes away to uni, etc.

(Dunno why people are still on about you taking the smaller room yourself - no means no, kids.)

I can't believe I'm reading that the solution to this issue (as suggested by several posters), is for the grown adult to move out of her bedroom to accommodate her child. And the implication that she just isn't selfless enough to do it when she suggested she'd prefer not to is just nonsense. And then to have a pop at her for making the point that her lifestyle wouldn't suit a single room because of her partner, and accuse her of being a bit sad, is just ludicrous. Oh and lets not to forget to mock her for her gender stereotypes too in preferring to have a pink bedroom.

I'm genuinely bemused. She wanted genuine discussion of an either/ or scenario. Not to be presented with a third, unreasonable option. Keep your own room OP. Talk to your kids. See if they can resolve it between them. If not then give the big room to the big son.

You stay in your room. Older one had big room. You get one can have big room when older one goes to uni.

Predictive text 😡
You have your room. Older one has the big room. The younger one has the big room when the older one leaves

That sounds really fair.

I completely agree! What is it with these martyrs who put themselves in a single room so as not to cause any modicum of upset for their kids?

Wow

First, what are your needs - is it necessary that you store things in the larger room? Is the bigger room with the double bed needed for visitors occasionally? If so, these are conditions of occupancy. If your son agrees to these conditions, then it is an easy decision since both children are happy to swap rooms.

Your older son has demonstrated that he can be flexible and a good team player by being in the smaller room when that was what worked best for the family so it is great to reward that, particularly since he probably has more responsibilities than his younger sibling.

Your younger son is happy to swap, so go with his positivity. It is fun to move into a new room and a small room isn't necessarily worse. This is a great chance for him to learn he can be happy whatever size room he has. He may enjoy the cosiness of his new room and find it easier to keep tidy, which makes life more peaceful for him.

Once your younger son has turned 14 there is a chance his brother will have either moved out or be about to move out, in which case your younger son will have his choice of room. If they are both still living with you beyond this point, then you can negotiate taking turns.

Your older son will appreciate that you are listening to his preferences more as he moves towards adulthood, which builds trust in your relationship. Your younger son will benefit from learning to be flexible, in the way that his older brother did at the same age.

Only on Mumsnet!

Yes OP you as a grown woman who pays the bills should sleep in a child's bed in a single room.

Exactly! OP, the absolute last thing you should do is take the smallest room yourself. You would be showing them that as males they get more than you, even though you pay all the bills and are the adult. FFS.

Whereas if you had a husband you’d be entitled to a lovely big room I guess?

As to which boy has which room, I don’t think it really matters. The idea of swapping halfway through the remaining time of them both being at home makes some sense if you want to be entirely fair.

Funnily enough my younger one has a slightly bigger room than my elder child just due to the way it panned out after I had the loft converted, and he’s the one who complains he’d prefer the other bedroom! So you can’t win (and I’m not swapping them as eldest is happy as things are)

I'm always baffled by the suggestions on MN (never seen it anywhere else) that parents (single or otherwise) should sacrifice the largest bedroom for their children. The children will grow up and move out, eventually. When that happens and they have a place of their own, then they can have the larger/est room for themselves.

The same goes for people who clutch their pearls over the thought of siblings sharing a room. It's not actually that much of a hardship to share a room. Not ideal, but perhaps it builds character. If nothing else, it allows opportunities to learn how to negotiate and compromise.

I'd have them take turns, OP. As the younger dc has had the larger room for a while, it's only fair for them to swap.

I was in a very very similar position and giving up my room would NEVER have been a consideration. As if? 😂

Eldest here ended up with biggest room after siblings sharing didn't want to any more. She had the bigger need at the time. All get the chance at the biggest room unless they've moved out before their 'turn'

My children are also always welcome to come back after leaving with the understanding that you get whatever room is available. 🤷‍♀️

I would move them with the expectation that it will change again when/if the eldest does to Uni. I always told my kids that bedroom arrangements are flexible and can change according to need. Things did change over the years in one house and my eldest was unhappy when we moved and the very large room he assumed would be his was made a playroom/extra living room for all three to use leaving him with the same sized bedroom as his siblings, but ultimately unless you pay the mortgage it's not your decision.