To think that ‘mum guilt’ is the new humble brag?

[Motherofcats007]

Some of my mum friends who are very lovely people just love indulging in conversations about their mum guilt. For context we all have a toddler and a baby each and they were bonding over how guilty they feel that the eldest doesn’t get any 121 attention anymore and they just feel guilty that they can only dedicate a few hours a week to the eldest whilst the grandparents take the baby for a little bit. We don’t have any family over here so that’s not an option for us.

I also kept my eldest in nursery for the first few months of the baby’s life because I want some continuity and structure for her whilst I recover and start figuring out how to be a mum to two. Im also due to go back to work when baby is 6 months whilst they’re both SAHM. They were both giving me pity looks and saying ‘aw…. I don’t know how you do it, putting DD2 in nursery full time, I’ll miss her too much’. In the same conversation they went on about how having two at home on non nursery days are so tough.

so AIBU for thinking this mum guilt thing is now the new humble brag? (And they clearly can’t read the room) Or am I just too sensitive to have these comments rub me the wrong way because they’re lucky enough to have family to help out and I’m likely just jealous?

I think I’ve come to realise we are very different type of parents but just wanted a bit of a sense check to see if I’m BU or not for being annoyed at them always going on about their mum guilt

Honestly I think you're being way too sensitive.

YANBU. Most parents do the best they can do for their kids, based on the circumstances they are in.

Calling it mum guilt is cringe.

I wouldn't say it's a humble brag but it is a bit insensitive and yes not "reading the room" very well

YANBU - I find the whole Mum-guilt thing so tedious - you don't hear fathers going on about Dad-guilt, do you?

I'm a fairly pragmatic person though and try to make a decision based on the information I have at the time, and don't tend to beat myself up too much about it all.

Just ignore it. We're all just doing what we think is best for our family.

I do really hate the passive aggressive comments which usually start ' i don't know how you do it' or 'isn't it awful' ....I got that a lot when I went back to work full time.
Funny how my husband didn't get those comments when he returned full time after 2 weeks!!

How is it in any way a brag?

I suspect when they make comments about family help, you & your family aren't are the forefront of their minds. They likely aren't even considering it in the frame at all! You're viewing it through your own lens, where naturally you are front and center, so it is possible that's why you're interpreting the comments in this way.

Unless you're talking to some truly awful people who just want to put you down, I don't think they're thinking of you in the first place, let alone attempting to brag.

I don't think they're bragging but I can see why the nursery comment would annoy you. It's like they're implying that you don't miss your child or shouldn't have time away from them.

I don't see anything wrong with the first comment. I think it's pretty normal to feel a bit of guilt about how having a second child impacts in the first.

They're dick heads for the second comment though - thinly veiled judgement really isn't it?

Eugh it seems you can’t say anything as a ‘mum’ without being judged by someone. Sometimes people just say things because it’s how they feel - maybe they are feeling guilty and aren’t even thinking about your situation. I think you’re being sensitive.

Only thing that I think is a bit shit is the 'I couldn't do that, I'd miss the baby too much' which implies that you don't have the same depth of feelings for your baby if you put them in nursery

The rest of it I think is normal. Its normal to find it hard to balance the needs of two different kids of different ages at first

Call them out on it OP.
When they do the 'aw, I couldn' t have her in nursery, I'd miss her too much' (ffs) say:
'oh, do you think you love your child more than I love mine then?'
All that stuff was a long time ago for me, thankfully, but I remember people saying it and it used to give me the fucking rage. 😅

They sound really boring

YANBU and it is a form of bragging, yes. It’s their way of saying how awful they feel for XYZ which are usually a list of totally normal things. “I feel awful mum guilt that I haven’t started Raffy in swimming classes until 18 months! By his age Matilda was such a little water baby!”

Its a way of performance parenting.

I wouldn’t mind if they were saying things to actually feel guilty about eg “I feel awful mum guilt that I lost my shit and shouted at him to shut up” but it never is.

and yes a PP is right, the fact that it’s “mum guilt” and never “dad guilt” says it all

Interesting to be getting quite a mixed response, from agreeing with me to saying I’m a cow.

I suppose I know I’m trying my best to parent so I don’t feel too much guilt, but they’re always on about their mum guilt on just the most normal things just makes me feel I’m a shitty parent for not feeling guilty about sending her to nursery/ letting her to just have fruit for dinner etc…

I know I'm being ultra sensitive about things atm because I’m going through quite a rough time atm in my personal life hence why I asked mumsnet for a sense check. As to the poster saying I’m a cow, don’t worry I now realise they’re not my type of parents and will slowly dip out of the group, I think they’re lovely people but just at this moment in my life, I can’t quite deal with them feeling ‘guilty’ about every day parenting things when I’m massively struggling over here and they clearly don’t see that

All of you sound rather tedious. People just do what works for them.

Agreed. This 'mum guilt' shite that people have to preface their public posts with irritates me greatly. It's another way for people to then get sympathy and others telling them it's ok.

I get what you mean, it could be a humblebrag if they’re slyly boasting how high their standards are.

on the other hand I think it’s ok to say things like “I don’t want to put my baby in nursery yet”.

Their lives are different to yours, just because they're what you perceive as an easier time than you, doesn't invalidate their feelings. Presumably they made mum friends to share mum feelings with, one of which, for them, is guilt at going from one to two children.

You'd probably be as well making friends who have similar childcare set ups - the conflict between stay at home and working mums seems unavoidable when children are small and people are inclined to feel easily slighted.

I think at that stage in parenting with very young children, many people are just about surviving and you have to disregard a lot of what other mums say. The ones who act most ‘together’ often aren’t and will definitely try to make you feel bad about your childcare situation in order to justify what they’re doing. You need to tell yourself before every meeting with them that there’s no one right way to do things and there are advantages/disadvantages to everything.
Having family help on tap isn’t always that great anyway. I remember when my first was a baby and I was finding it hard living in a different country to my parents with no family nearby etc meeting another mum and her mum at a playgroup. Her mum had just bought a flat nearby so she could come and help out with childcare etc. They were really smug about it and kept going on how great it was her being so close especially when they realised my own family were in another country. At the time, it really upset me but looking back I realise how unkind it was and that it probably reflected more their own insecurities than anything else. A few years later and we’ve got on just fine without family help close by. And I’ve never seen that mum again so I think living here didn’t work out for her anyway please and they moved away.
My advice is to rise above it all OP

So you think OP is slighting them, but it’s unreasonable for OP to feel slighted?

So you think OP is slighting them, but it’s unreasonable for OP to feel slighted?

No, I didn't say that?

I think the OPs friends are perfectly reasonable to talk about their feelings.

And I think the OP would probably get on better with working mums who wouldn't, inadvertently or on purpose, make her feel slighted. I'm a working mum, a toddler group I go to is 90% SAHMs so I'm familiar with the sympathetic smile the OP is referring to. If you're inclined to feel a bit hurt by that smile, it's probably better to have friends with a similar set up who better understand your life.

Nothing new about it. Some mothers have always behaved as though as they are the first on the planet to pro create and have somehow achieved a feat that is superhuman and need a medal for it. Everything they do is super difficult and they don’t feel good enough when actually they just want praise.