Toxic ex, advice needed.

[unicornp00]

I desperately need advice from fellow MN users.

I'll keep it as brief & simple as possible.

I have a 4 year old daughter, she lives with me full time & stays with her dad once or twice a week.

I used to live with him but due to emotional abuse & his drug use (that he did his best to hide) I moved out with our then 5mo old.

Since then, the cycle goes something like this; I'm alone, isolated, no family nearby, struggling single mum. He picks up our daughter, we chat, laugh, have a cuddle like old times, then he goes. I gradually open up to him the more he persists. Constant phone calls, messages, I love you's, invites me for dinner etc. Then bang he has a personality switch & starts acting like a complete twat if I do one single thing he deems wrong.

Then I switch off, ignore him, get on with things, tell him to fuck off. This is the stage I get messages like 'I had a nightmare about you & was sick when I woke up, I feel sick about you all the time, you couldn't give a fuck & my heads a mess, fuck you, I'm glad your happy, are you seeing anyone, I just want to spend time with you but you couldn't give a fuck.

Then he will start being nice, civil, and acting like a normal human, the cycle starts again.

I'm fed up of these messages, he was angry at me today because he had another nightmare about me? He told me to fuck off, that he can't do this anymore.

I try and be civil and get along with him for our daughters sake but he always wants more. I've told him we can't be in a relationship because of his behaviour & unpredictability. He has an antisocial personality disorder, is highly toxic, and emotionally abusive towards his mum. He has the capability of being kind & loyal, but chooses otherwise.

I even moved away from the same town as him to get some distance.

I've had counselling, I'm on medication for depression & insomnia.

Why can't he just let me be? Why does he persist so much yet when I let him In he acts like he doesn't care?

He loves our daughter & they have a strong bond, despite being a typical lazy father when she stays with him. His mother tends to do a lot of the child care when our daughter stays there. (He lives with his mum)

It's great you can see the cycle so clearly. It sounds very hurtful and looks like a classic cycle of abuse which has continued beyond separation, which is usual when you share a child. You've tried bring civil and getting along for your daughter's sake but your daughter would be better off if you put a stop to the cycle by taking the stance that he is not a safe person for you and you need to keep your distance. He might be safe for your daughter but he isn't for you and it is important you keep yourself safe and well. You could reach out to Women's Aid. You need a firm parenting agreement about when he sees his daughter and then you only allow communication that relates to your daughter. Build your network of friends and seek support from Women's Aid or online groups for emotional support. You can't confide in him again as he only uses it to reel you in and hurt you all over again, which probably gives him a satisfying power trip.

Why can't he just let me be? Why does he persist so much yet when I let him In he acts like he doesn't care?

Because he is not like you, he doesn't think like you or cares about people in the way that you do. He is wired differently. His behaviour shows that he doesn't care about you. He uses you to make himself feel powerful by manipulating you. It's horrible and you may wish it was not the case but you cannot change him.