To ask how you would deal with this work situation?

[ificandream99]

Had an interview at SIL’s work and was offered the job which I have verbally accepted. This job is the same pay as what I’m on currently but means travelling to the office 5 days a week which is a few miles away from where I live. Complete career change and would essentially mean starting from scratch again.

Told my current employer the situation and have now been offered a pay rise and the opportunity to do further qualifications in my field with a view to progress to a more senior role. This is much closer to home and also offers hybrid working.

I don’t want to let SIL down but feel I will be doing my rejecting their offer, which I feel would be the best option. I don’t want to make things awkward for her.

How do I approach this?

I agree with the PPs! If you're happiest with what your current employer has offered, I'd stay put.

I would also feel terrible for my SIL in your situation though! Can you pop round to see her with a bottle of wine or something to explain and say thanks for her help?

You already know you want to stay in your current job so just talk to the SIL in private and say it's too good to turn down. At worst she'll be a bit annoyed but there's no way she won't undertand.

Definitely agree that you need to de decide on the best option for you but would suggest you do this quickly. Seems like a no brainer to me unless there are more reasons you were looking to leave your current employer. I would try and get your current employer to firm up their offer in writing re further training/qualifications etc, (with timescales if poss).

If you are not going to take up the post at your SIL's work, let them know ASAP. You don't need to feel guilty or go into a lot of details. Thanking them for the opportunity, and stating that due to a change of circumstances you will no longer be taking up their job offer will suffice. Having done lots of recruitment, this happens from time to time and only becomes an issue when people delay communicating their decision (on one occasion to the morning they were due to start!). There may be another equally appointable candidate who could have been offered the post but is then lost and recruitment is an expensive and time consuming process.

There was thread on here recently from someone concerned they were second choice, having been offered the post after someone withdrew - lots of reassuring responses about this not being uncommon.

Tell the new prospective job you've had a counter-offwr from your current employer and you have to consider both options. Make sure they know what the counter-offer is. You do not have to reject either offer straight away

But before doing this, let your SIL know that your work have come back with a strong counter-offer. Let her know you're going to let her work know you've been coutner-offered and need to seriously consider your options. Be honest!

Years ago I read a fascinating article about this in Harvard Business Review. I really really wish that i had saved it.

The gist was that this is one of the many differences between women and men in the workplaces. A man will recommend someone for a job - a friend, family member, perhaps the son of a buddy or whatever. But once that recommendation has been made, the relevant person then gets or doesn't get the job on their own merit (obviously, I'm excluding situations where the person recommending applies real pressure on, for example, a junior manager. I'm referring to just straight up recommendations). If the person is not considered good enough and not offered a job or IS offered a job but does not perform, the man who did the recommending does not feel any sense of guilt or obligation, nor is he penalised for making the recommendation.

A woman on the other hand, due to the way we are socialised to be both people pleasers and over responsible, take it all on. So if the person is not hired, the female recommender feels bad. If the person IS hired, the female recommender feels that this person's performance reflects on them (and she may well be right).

My sense is that this is changing - I regularly get recommended for work by other women and I never get any sense that they are doing anything more than a passing favour and once they've made the recommendation it disappears from their thought processes entirely.

But you, and possibly your SIL, are falling into this trap. Don't.

Having said all that, counter offers make me nervous.

I guess it depends on why you want to leave your current job.

Those inderlying feelings will come back eventually, no matter what they throw at you to get you to stay.

You were obviously willing to accept a role that paid the same but would cost you more in terms of commuting. There must have been a reason for that. Has that reason now been addressed. If not then maybe I would be inclined to take the new job.

You really need to remove your SIL from the whole equation when you make your decision. It's mad to base something as important your job on not wanting to have mildly inconvenienced your SIL. (And fwiw, if I was your SIL I wouldn't mind at all! I'd be pleased for you that your current employer has given you such a good offer to stay.)

If you will be financially better off and sponsored for qualifications at your current place, I would be inclined to stay, unless you really despise the people you work with or hate the company culture or whatever.

You approach it professionally. You tell the new job the current job offered you a pay rise , opportunity to further your career and flexi working .
Mil will understand and want the best for you too

Interesting @Triffid1 . I was just thinking that if the company makes things difficult for the SIL just because a family member she recommended didn’t accept, they’re a bad employer.

I’ve been on the other side of this a few times, with candidates accepting then declining. Yes it’s disappointing and annoying, especially if it’s a niche vacancy where it’s hard to find the right person, but you accept it and move on. Everyone has the right to choose the option that’s right for them, and employers don’t want someone who wishes they stayed in their previous job.

The only time I thought the person had acted dishonourably was when he accepted a counter offer, and then said he only applied for our job to put pressure on his employer for a pay rise. And bragged about it to the person who did accept the job.

I don't like accepting counter offers - why didn't they value you enough to offer these conditions and opportunities to you earlier? To me it means they have been underpaying and undervaluing you and would have continued to do so for as long as they could have gotten away with. In my personal experience staff who accepted counter-offers were also the first to be let go when there were retrenchment exercises.

Now that you have a counter offer and know your true worth I'd go back to your new employer and ask them for a better salary. All the best!

Did you know it was working in the office 5d a week before you got the offer?

Just tell them you’ve had another offer which meets your needs more closely.

Totally agree. I was in that position recently. Handed notice in and my company offered me a pay rise, more responsibility and better conditions however when I thought about it they didn't appreciate me when I was there, I'd be working with the same people and it would just be the same old shit with a bit more money.

I rejected the offer.

@HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket No, I didn’t know it would be working in the office 5 days a week. It was only at the end of the interview that I was told this.

Use that as your level to go back. If it’s the same pay but increased travel costs then really it’s less money, and if you want hybrid then 5 days is no good.

Before you back though decided if it’s a no or if you are prepared to negotiate and what your minimum would be.

You cant base your entire future and career on feeling guilty

But if it was in the interview, surely that was prior to both the offer being made and your acceptance?

I don't like accepting or even offering counter offers. If they wanted to give you a raise and the training, why didn't they do that before? Unless the pay rise is very substantial, I'd say no

due to have much experience in working for private companies?

salary negotiation is… well, very very very commonplace

Tell them asap and they'll shrug their shoulders and move onto the runner up candidate.

YANBU at all. A man wouldn't even think about it letting down anyone else.

Women are conditioned to think of everyone's else's feelings but their own.

salary negotiation is… well, very very very commonplace

Certainly, at the acceptance stage and at annual reviews. After tendering resignation and accepting another offer, salary negotiation becomes a blunt tool but often the damage to relations is already done. The employer knows that the employee has not just looked elsewhere, but gone through the process of being hired elsewhere -- a significant investment of time and effort against the company interests.

If it takes you nearly walking away to negotiate the pay rise and progression, then it's absolutely right to question how much the company values you, and to examine how much you think they'll continue to value you now that they're aware you're capable of looking elsewhere. Will they want to continue investing in someone who almost walked away once? Get it in writing.

I agree, definitely take the SIL out of the equation entirely -- her feelings don't pay the bills!

And you're so good that your current employer doesn't want to let you go. That's a good reflection on you, not a poor reflection on her.
Do what's right for you. At the end of the day your SiL doesn't pay your bills. It has to be your choice in the end.

This!! Counter offers rarely work in the longer term...

You could offer 2 days in the office and 3 at home to the new employer, plus a higher salary as "compensation" for your travelling costs as your "I'll consider it" point and see how you get on.

Personally I'd stick with my current employer. SILs company hasn't offered you competitive terms and conditions (wfh/travel costs/higher salary) which you need.