Concerns about friends parenting, AIBU

[MyFridgeIsRed]

Hi,
I don't know if IABU or not, and could do with some perspective.
A friend of mine is causing me concern with her parenting. The kids are clothed well, fed, clean, but she has absolutely no interest in them at all. She talks to them terribly, name calling and shouting more than talking. She also favours one way more than the other and therefore the child she disfavours plays up to get attention and is then just shouted at.
It's like the kids are of no importance to her and just a nuisance getting in the way of what she wants to do.
The dad isn't much better.
They have had social services involved before, and although i don't know the whole story, the dad was talked to about physical chastisement, and they were offered parenting classes that they refused to go to because of the implication that they were bad parents.
I'm concerned because the youngest runs away a lot, and she just shouts out "fuck off then".
She's told the oldest that she'll put him in care if he doesn't behave, he said he would rather be in care.
There's so much more, a lot of emotional neglect, if not abuse, it's heartbreaking to see.
I don't know whether to raise my concerns with someone or because they've already had involvement with ss if I should leave the situation alone and concentrate on trying to make the kids feel like they matter whenever I can.

Aww OP, thanks for caring about these poor kids. How awful.😢 Emotional neglect / abuse is real and can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

If I were you, I would also desperately want to do something to help these little souls. However as some other posters have said, I doubt this case will be a priority for SS.

Nevertheless, I would report anyway, just to put the concerns on the record (esp given previous involvement). But not expect anything to be done.

Is there any way you can try to offer constructive help to the family? Do they have relatives who might share your concerns? Could you have a quiet word with the school?

And, since you call her a friend, how about just being direct and honest with her, in the kindest possible way. Maybe there is more going on ie her DH his emotionally abusive toward her, and she feels she has to go along with his parenting.

Take her out for coffee or a drink, and start a chat with something like..."Susan, you and I have known each other for x years. We;ve had good times together and I'd like to think we know each other. I also adore your kids. But I'm a bit worried about how you and Dave talk to them.... it's breaking them down etc. Is there a reason? "

She might come out with somethign - own history of neglect, or coercive control in marriage. Or she may just cut you off. But it's worth a try?

Even if you frame it as "you seem really stressed with the kids" rather than "you know I really don't think it's good for them for you to talk to them like that" etc.

Yes, this is a good line: "You guys seem a bit stressed out with the kids - is there anything we can help with?"

I have a family member who is like this with her kids. She frequently describes her eldest as uncontrollable but actually he isn't. Their dad was horrifically abusive towards her and I think all she sees or hears in her eldest is his dad. She talks to him like he's his father.

Which then prompts an outburst from him where he screams at her that he hates her, she's rude to him, fuck off, throws and hits things, hits her. She then tells him to go away, he ruins everything and that she is sick of him. Her relationship with her son has become toxic and it breaks my heart. His younger sister is the easy child and much more favoured when it comes to attention and being taken places because she behaves better.

There is social services support in place so I can't really do much except try to have his back and favour him a little myself so he is at least someone's favourite.

Report. Imagine if something happened to those kids. How would you feel if you hadn’t intervened.

It’s lucky the boy has you there at least x

Neglect IS abuse. Emotional neglect is abuse.

It sounds absolutely heartbreaking and awful. I hate the thought of children being removed from their parents and feel it should always be a very last resort but it sounds like they don't even want the children.

Under the circumstances you've described I would be calling SS and saying I have concerns of abuse in the form of emotional neglect.

And I agree with the first reply; how do you feel being friends with this person? Do you actually like this person at all? She sounds horrible. None of us are perfect and we've all been mean to our children at some point out of frustration, but what kind of person is remorselessly horrid to small children?! A nasty one that's who, someone you wouldn't want to be friends with.

I'd have zero qualms about saying to her 'we are no longer friends because you're a child abuser. Goodbye'

I've broken up with friends for much less. One factor for me was someone neglecting their dog, couldn't be around the bitch. So this I'd probably end up in a row with her, what a disgusting individual.

Yes report. Of course.

How can you be friends with people
like this? Just - how?

This is so upsetting to read. Yes absolutely do anything and everything you can to help these children, defiantly refer to social services. I would not be able to continue a friendship with these people.

She sounds like she has mental health issues and needs help and empowering. I was becoming that mum (not to that extent) and it was because at the time I just wanted to die and couldn’t cope.

If she says something at the time, then there's no way that she can report to SS anonymously. The friend would guess that it was her.
And it sounds as though those kids need OP in their life.

I’d report to the school safeguarding lead and social services. I wouldn’t care if they thought it was me, the kids need someone to demonstrate that they care.

What is wrong with you! Report report report

If she says something at the time, then there's no way that she can report to SS anonymously. The friend would guess that it was her. except she's been watching and doing neither for how long...?? She could have approached it from a "I'm worried about you, you seem to lose your temper lots with the kids and I'm worried about you all". She could report anonymously the stuff other people see.

And it sounds as though those kids need OP in their life. I agree in one respect, because they get a bit of respite. But then they're also seeing that same person stand there and do nothing when they're Mom is telling them to fuck off or saying she'll put them in care. So to them it looks like she's complicit or at least condoning it.

I agree. I'm not sure why you care whether the abusive cunts know it was you who reported them. Safeguarding is a concern for all of us. These kids need protecting.