Introvert's night out

[Votefornarnia]

More of a WWYD than a AIBU.

I'm very introverted and having a busy people week at work. Went into the city with DH last night for a walk and a drink (though I'd have happily stayed at home as well) and bumped into some friends (mutual but more DH's friends than mine). Ended up going for drinks and dinner with them.

In a nutshell, was very hard for me but didn't want to complain or drag DH away as he was having fun. Couldn't go home without him as I was the driver, but retrospectively is quite obvious that my behaviour in the group was inappropriate, as everyone was having a fun time and I was so quiet and probably spoiled it all a bit.

So WWYD in a situation where you can't leave, but really don't want to stay?

Could he have made his own way home by Public transport or taxi?

you are right that being able to see someone doesn’t want to be there is a complete drain for have a good time.

Don’t over schedule yourself in future and you’ll have more energy for unexpected nights out

I think you would be entitled to say at the outset that you were tired and would just like to go home but DH was.very welcome to stay in town longer and then get a taxi home.

If they were all having a fun time and ignoring the fact you felt awkward and they didn't try to draw you in and make you feel comfortable, might as well be at home and leave them to it!

I would message the friends and just say you're sorry you were very quiet last night but you'd had a terrible day at work and were mulling it over.

Then listen to your instincts more in the future about what is 'too much' and take time to recharge instead of pushing yourself

Unfortunately I couldn't leave DH - no public transport and a taxi would cost over £30. And I thought it would be weird to leave the group and just wander round the city until he was ready to go home!

I feel your pain...it's awful isn't it? I'm a typical introvert in that my idea of a 'good night out' is a glass of wine in my garden 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I'm a teacher, so my days are very full on, with no let up, and lots of little people vying for my attention. Love my job...but my goodness I need to have my evenings to myself to recharge.

In your situation I would actually have cried headache and simply left. Your DH should know you well enough to understand that you were in a tricky social situation, and preempted it by either agreeing to stay on his own, or making his excuses to his friends and leaving with you.

Maybe in the future you could have a report that needed writing for work so you could say you would go off somewhere quiet in the city to do that before picking up DH later?

Can you have a 'code word' that you use with your DH to excuse either just you or both of you from these kind of situations?

It's a shame your DH doesn't know you a bit better and refrain from springing unwanted social occasions on you.

This has happened to me so many times, it's not a fun evening for me at all. I wish I had a solution to this but to be honest I probably would have done exactly the same as you 😣me and DP are opposite ends of the introvert/ extrovert scale... it's hard to keep a balance between the two

Does your husband know how you feel? If not, then you need to tell him. I feel your pain, but either you or/and your husband agreed to go for dinner, so it’s better to be on the same page in future.
You need to be prepared to say that you have plans, or you have a meal at home.

Develop the habit of checking in with yourself before saying yes. If your check in results in you wanting to go home then say that. Its OK for one partner to stay put and the other to go home.

I sometimes feel like this in a group where it feels too much for me.
DP knows this so I don't usually need to say too much but these are the options we usually go through depending on what's going on etc ...

I'll say something like "shall we just stay an hour?" And we will agree that or negotiate in some way.
Or I'll have some kind of 'break' from the group to give me space.

DP can go alone or stay alone. Usually DP drives. But there is the option of you leaving and picking DP up later if it isn't too far or taxi costs too much.

There have also been times (and I've not minded doing this) where I'll go and get a coffee and go and sit in the car and read my book (which I do genuinely enjoy doing) and DP will stay a little while longer.
Not ridiculously long. It might just be 30 mins. Sometimes after having this break, I actually feel ok to rejoin the group, but if not, we go home.

In the first few years of our relationship, DP didn't understand how draining it was for me to be around groups. DP is very extroverted. I'm an introvert (and also autistic which we found out after being together for 6 years).
DP now understands more, and these kinds of situations are so much easier to navigate than they used to be so that we're both having our needs met, without having to make too much of a compromise.

Gosh how rude. He had no thought for whether you wanted to socialise or whether you were tired or uncomfortable. Why can't they take your needs into consideration and do something quiet and calm?

In future discuss your different needs. Neither is right or wrong just different. If he wants to stay put he needs to make sure he has a means of getting home. You should be able to go home if you are tired or peopled out. He should be able to go.out. sometimes you need to do what the other one wants so you can be either out together or home together but negotiated so neither is unfairly trying to fit to the other all the time.

I think your husband has been a bit shit here actually. When I've been out with one person or group and bumped into people, we normally have a quick chat or drink and then carry on with the original group we came out with. I thought that was the socially accepted thing to do, especially when you're on a couple's night out / date night type thing

Effectively he must know how you feel about socialising, but changed your plans last minute without your agreement. Its absolutely fine to say to people 'well its been lovely to see you, we are having a date night so are heading off now, catch up soon'. You wanted to leave and he wanted to stay so why was there no compromise and how did you end up staying?