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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - relationship

23 replies

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 16:23

I will talk to my other half about this (as anything that is worrying me/bothering me, I do share with him), but I wanted to run it past you guys to see if it's hormones (I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy)...

My partner has been really busy of late. Work has been busy and his hobby has been taking a lot of time and energy too. This leaves me alone most evenings and whilst he's supportive, it does get lonely... Especially as I don't have many friends who could just pop in and hang out.

This weekend we have a scan booked in... I wanted this scan weeks ago, but postponed to this week to not interfere with his matches for his hobby.

I thought we'd have the whole day and could really have a couples day of it... He's just asked (at least it's considerate that he's asked I suppose), if he can go out for drinks with some hobby friends in the evening.

Now I just feel stupid... I wanted to say, but held off, "well actually I was hoping we'd have a date day and evening..."

If he stays home now, it's because I've asked, not because he genuinely wants to or of his own thought...

It's not like I want to stop him meeting his friends, enjoying his hobbies etc ... just feel a bit overlooked/under appreciated... Like everyone else is getting the best of him and I get the tired person afterwards who would rather go out and socialise than hang out with me...

OP posts:

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 16:26

To clarify, I haven't said anything to him yet about it... I've held off as, if he stays home after I say something, it's not because he wants to, or because it's his idea, but because he feels guilty/like he should...

OP posts:

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 05/07/2022 16:27

I don't know why you didn't just say that if that's what you wanted? He isn't able to read your mind or guess what you want to do. I would have said up front that it would be nice to make a day of it, and go for soemthing to eat after the scan or something....

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 16:37

I think it's because this isn't the first time a scenario like this has happened... It makes me feel proper pathetic... Plus I just think if he wants to go and see his friends on a day which he knows I would have previously had mapped for us to do something (maybe not specifics, but he would know that I'd had the day in mind for us), me asking him to make a day of it, it's just forced and I'd second guess it all then.

I just wanted a day with husband where he doesn't put me in the situation where I've either gotta be needy/bad wife taking him away from a social opportunity or he's actually wanted to do something with me...

OP posts:

JoanCandy · 05/07/2022 16:39

Does he ever make you feel like a 'needy, bad wife' or is this something in your own mind, OP ?

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 16:43

I'd say moreso in my own mind... He doesn't put me down or accuse me of this.

I just want him to want me and not have to ask for that... I think being pregnant doesn't help with me feeling needy. I've been super sick and isolated from my friends and family as a result.

But then I also think, maybe I'm just expecting too little? Maybe I should be more put out?

But then maybe I'm just hormonal.

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 05/07/2022 16:44

Presumably he'll need to cut back on the hobbies when the baby arrives? If he's not planning to do that, you have bigger problems...

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 16:50

That was a concern of mine and one I raised to him... He agreed to take the season out so we could find our new normal and we'd see what works for us moving forward. But again that's been feeding into my guilt of stopping him from doing something he enjoys etc etc, especially as he enjoys it so much.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 05/07/2022 16:51

How often is he out?

I find it very strange that a husband with a pregnant wife would be going out more than twice a week.

The sunday after the scan is strange.

Men who are out multiple nights a week before a baby arrives, do not usually change.

EXACTLY how often is he out during an average week?

RoyalMiss · 05/07/2022 16:53

Say,. I know you wanted to meet your mate but I was hoping we would go out and have a nice bite to eat

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/07/2022 16:56

If he’s out as much as you suggest I would be quite concerned about how life is going to be when the baby arrives tbh.

You say he’s talked about finding your “new normal” but it sounds like he has no idea.

Have you had a proper, cards on the table “it can’t continue like this” chat?

I think you’re being too soft on him tbh. Time for a bit of a wake up call.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 05/07/2022 16:58

It sounds like he's always done his own thing, so then I think YABU for expecting him to guess you want more of his time on that particular day. However, I agree with others, he is in for arude awakening when baby comes (or you are, if he doesn't change his ways).

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 17:02

The job is full on, so work all day with commitments after work... Then gym... Then food and out and he's gone until late at his hobby. That's twice a week during midweek. Then one day during the weekend for his hobby.

I think I'm most put out at the moment as the last month has been crazy busy for him with demands in work and with hobby (last week alone he was out late all week including weekend) so hence why I was hoping for a day where I didn't have to be clingy and ask him to hang out with me haha

It's not this busy all the time, but I would have hoped after the business of this month and the season coming to an end, he'd want to spend that weekend day/evening with me... And not ask to go and see his mates.

But again, maybe I'm just being clingy

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 05/07/2022 17:02

He's not a mind reader. You need to tell him what you want.

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 17:04

It's not always been like this... He started his hobby at the end of covid... This is the first season through, and has left me lonely and second guessing myself a lot.

Probably annoys me more that now we're having a baby, he's now got this hobby that he would love to continue and keeps him this busy ...

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 05/07/2022 17:10

What is this hobby that takes so much time?

FriedTomatoe · 05/07/2022 17:14

I don't think you're being clingy and I'm a really independent woman who runs at the first sign of neediness.

2 nights a week plus a full day at the weekend is a lot.

I think you need to say to him that you need him to drop one of the nights as a minimum and sacrifice a couple of workouts every week. The full day at the weekend might be a negotiation - if he could do every other weekend or just a morning that would be reasonable

I think it's fair to have one evening a week that is just about you as a couple, a day of family time and a day where you get a few hours to yourself as well. I think you need to figure out what you want though before presenting this to him.

averythinline · 05/07/2022 17:16

Ffs .... you have hardly anytime left as a couple....seems his hobby and friends are more important than you..

I think you need a serious word with him.... about why this is the case...

And what his priorities are ...

TempName01 · 05/07/2022 17:24

He can’t have a hobby, gym, work and go out drinking when he has a new baby, you need to have a serious talk about expectations and equal leisure time as well as time together.

billy1966 · 05/07/2022 17:26

You are not clingy but you are having a child with a selfish man and you are no longer his priority.

I don't mean to upset you, but with someone so focused on his life away from home I would imagine if you do not lay your cards on the table very firmly, you are in for a very tough time.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Do not reduce your hours and return to work.

If you allow yourself to be left at home witj baby while to fxcks off out constantly, your relationship will be finished.

I find it concerning that someone so obviously NOT clingy, keeps thinking she is?

Who has planted that so firmly in your head?

Turnthatoff · 05/07/2022 17:28

I get it. You’d rather him say to his friends, ‘thanks, but no thanks, I’m going to spend the evening with casualreader’, because that is what he’d prefer to do. Not because you’d asked. That’s reasonable, especially given he spends large chunks of his non work time doing his own thing.

Original poster

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 17:41

Turnthatoff · 05/07/2022 17:28

Exactly this.

OP posts:

Sandinmyknickers · 05/07/2022 22:10

casualreader2022 · 05/07/2022 16:50

What strikes me about this is the wording that you will be stopping him from doing the hobby for a season so you feel bad.
No.
You are not stopping him from doing it.
His decision to be a father is doing it, which is a choice and commitment he has presumably made of his own free will

AuntyMabelandPippin · 05/07/2022 22:32

My DH worked a lot when our DC were young. He did a correspondence course to ease him into another role, and when he finished the modules he needed, he said he wanted to go on and finish the other modules to get the (further) degree. Not because he needed it (he already had a BSc and MBA) but he was enjoying the course.

I asked him to think really hard about the amount of time we were spending together. By the time we'd got the DC to bed, and cleared up the kitchen, we'd be lucky to have an hour together before we had to go to bed (bad sleeping DC) and he was spending that time studying. I told him I was missing him, and also adult conversation as I had four small children to look after and could he postpone it for a couple of years.

He totally saw my point of view and gave it up.

Just tell him calmly how you're feeling. If he's any sort of caring husband, he'll get it.

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