AIBU to not understand what I've done wrong?

[Jj2431]

Hi ladies and gents,

My AIBU is this, started work a few months ago, get along with everyone thus far, guy that I work with who works on reception is friendly and polite usually, as time went on, became less formal with me and had basic chats, think 'Hey, how are you? How's your weekend been?' Type chats. Always smiley, always polite and same with me, always polite towards him and chatty. Anyway, I had a week off due to illness, came back and he wouldn't look at me, went as far as to be with me and two other colleagues and completely acted as if I didn't exist during the conversation. Fast forward to this week, I come face to face with him, I smile, say hello how are you? Nothing. Looks at me, looks away, walks past me and starts talking to colleague and laughing and joking and acting like I don't exist. There has been no argument or awkwardness until now, I have no fell out with anyone else at work that he may get along with. AIBU to feel a bit like wtf did I do? Had a shit weekend anyway and been made to feel like an outcast in my family once again and so someone else acting like I don't exist all of a sudden has probably annoyed and affected me more than it should have.

Honestly if you’d done something to genuinely make someone ignore you and treat you like shit then you’d know about it.

I’ve come across loads of people like this in my life. Manipulative, controlling drama queens, the lot of them.

Just ignore him back. He’s not worth a second more of your thoughts.

No, he knows no one in my family or in my circle.

Thanks everyone. I hate being so sensitive. Will try not to let it upset me.

That's what I thought. He knows you're married. In your absence, someone may have been shit-stirring and told him you fancy him.

Him being male, he likely has a huge but fragile ego and immediately buys into the idea of you being hawt for him. Now feels he needs to put the breaks on your unbridled passion for him in the most unequivocal way.

Who knows though?

How old is he? Could one of his work colleagues have wound him up saying he fancies you and so he’s giving you the cold shoulder to prove he doesn’t? Just a possibility I guess if we’re talking youngish?

We are both in our mid thirties

I'm wondering if he thinks that you've been on holiday and because you didn't mention that you were going, he's thinking that you aren't as good friends as he thought. So he's feeling foolish. Either way he's done you a favour. Ignore and move on.

Just be polite and chatty- something like- 'morning, how's things, not seen you for a while as I was away on holiday. Hope you are ok, are you off anywhere nice soon'? You'll be able to see how he replies and if your more usual chat starts up again. If not then don't worry about it. His loss not yours!

I understand that you don't want confront him (I'm the same, I hate confrontation) but I really would encourage you to ask him what's wrong. It could be a complete misunderstanding that you can clear up in a few minutes. Honestly, you're going to see this colleague everyday, be reminded everyday, feel disappointed, lonely and unconfident every single day. Unless you do something about it.

What pathetic behaviour (him not you!). If he’s offended in some way the mature response would be either to remain breezily polite but distant, or to talk to you about the issue.

I can see why this would get to you. Aside from making you feel crap it would also really bug me not knowing the reason.

The only thing I can think of is somebody has said something in your absence, perhaps told him (wrongly?) that you had in some way slagged him off or laughed at him. Is it possible he somehow saw a work email chain or something which he could’ve taken offence to?!

If you don’t feel able to let it go, I would discreetly approach him (without others around) and say something like ‘Hi Fred, this is a bit awkward but I’ve noticed you’ve been acting differently towards me lately and I wondered if I’d done something to upset you?’ Depends how you’d feel about having that kind of conversation but I’d say it’s your only option other than just letting him get on with it.

Sounds like a power thing on his part.

From now on stride confidently past with a smile & slight tilt of your nose in the air or merrily chatting on the phone. Don't bother with niceties any more. He's sounds odd.

Sorry this is making you feel shit OP. I’m like you in many respects. It’s the classic people who blow hot and cold thing, you have to learn how to deal with these kinds of people and how they work. It’s a control thing on his part. Do not engage with him, be polite, friendly and responsive when spoken to but other than that do not give it a second thought.

Definitely do not ask if you’ve done anything wrong! Gets easier with time trust me ☺️

Any chance he fancied you, and then you were away, he asked someone where you were and they revealed existance of husband and kids? Or did he definitely know.. because wearing a ring on that finger does not mean married for certain, I've met plenty of women who wear a ring there to ward off attention!

Id perhaps say "are you ok? You seem a bit different this week?" Or something like that.

Well if you are certain that you haven't done anything to him or one of his close work colleagues, it can only be one of two things - nothing to do with you at all (bad day, stuff in personal life) or a misunderstanding (you ignored him one day while preoccupied, he overheard you talking and misheard). Either way, not your problem. He'll either come around or he won't, not much you can do about it. Personally I wouldn't ask him about it. Either he'll genuinely have no idea what you are talking about or he will, and he'll get defensive.

So just ask him. As suggested above.

He didn't definitely know that I am married. He knew I had at least one child but the youngest existence was revealed on my return when I was asked how she was. I wear my ring every day but of course I don't flash it in his face so I don't know if he noticed and it has never come up in conversation.

I think YABU on balance. He may have gotten told to stop wasting time chatting to people outside his department and not want to be seen shirking. It might be a million things probably only one of which involves some perceived slight against you. Move on.

That would make sense if he wasn't still talking to others who work alongside me but unfortunately he is so your theory is definitely wrong.

And he can't say a quick hello to one person but can to everyone else? He's being an immature prat.

OP - you can't control the way people behave but you can control the way you react to it. Please come back when after a few weeks of you ignoring him he suddenly starts to talk to you again.

Why waste time, patience and brain space on people like this? He’s a rude arse. Better you learn that quickly so you can stop wasting your breath on him.