To want to cause trouble

[Burnitalldown]

So I've NC'd for this one, It's mainly vent but practical stuffs also please!

I have 3 sisters, 1 confidended in me that she'd been seeing other people while married, can't say I'm impressed but it's not my business. I was irritated as I'd been looking after her daughter evenings and weekends while she worked (actually she was off with different guysnwith work) this has been for the last 10 years ! So I felt utterly betrayed, so in this last 18 months sister has distanced herself (not fussed) gone official with one of the side blokes, divorced and had 2 more kids.

At Christmas lying scumbag sister said she couldn't take part in family events if I was there as I don't like her new partner (I don't know the guy).

DM knows all, I was asked to stay away for Christmas, fair enough I don't like confrontation.

Now I'm getting rubbish my from other two sisters calling me a lier, DM says she's trying to keep the peace and can we just all be separate. She doesn't want to risk not seeing Grandkids, also we're all adults so wants to stay out of it. Fair enough but she enables it all.

Local sister ghosted me after Christmas absolutely nothing, which did make me sad.

Yesterday sister who lives away, did know she was going to be there was at my aunts house, she starts screaming at me that I'm a cunt and a home wrecker. My DM is also there. Sister is walking at me, so I shoved her, she was in my face screaming (lots of profanity) DM was shouting not here as DSis was shouting, after I shoved DSis DM went between us to help her up and shouted at me to leave.

So would I be unreasonable to mention to anyone who will listen that Scumbag Sis is a lier, especially the Ex Husband?

Or do I just go NC with the lot of them and let them rewrite history as they want, I'm complete confused by what's gone one.

What would you do, I'm too old for this shit.

Another bit, I don't know what I am a lier about. I haven't told anyone other than mumsnet now !

Go NC, do you really need this unnecessary drama in your life? Leave them to get on with it, they sound like arseholes anyway!

I wouldn’t have been happy at being excluded from my own family Christmas - they can all shove it.

I would write to your family on the WhatsApp group - and have your say. Then leave it.

My sister, who thrives on conflict, has been blackening my name in my family of birth and is itching for some reaction from me.
It's all lies/exaggeration/misrepresentation but I am saying nothing unless asked. They can believe what they like but I may never speak to her or about her again.

Stay in lowish contact with your mum but NC to the rest.

Trouble is if they are all siding with her already they will just agree when she saying you’re lying about her and what she was up too.

I’d just go NC and leave them all to it. No one needs all that crap in their lives.

I have/had three sisters too but have gone NC with them.

I have learned a lot goes on between grown up siblings, particularly when they/we have kids - it is almost as if the roles we were first assigned by our parents don't fit anymore (because we have become mothers and nurturers in our own right) and this upsets the ways in which siblings originally related to each other.

I do believe also there can be an unspoken jealousy going on that manifests in aggression. It is there also when confidences are exchanged (as you described when one sister told you they had been seeing other people whilst married).

I wish very much for you that the conflicts you have do not escalate further as they can be extremely painful if it all becomes irreparable.

Having said that you need boundaries and firm boundaries in place to stop yourself getting hurt.

I have read the book called 'Cain's Legacy' which explores this a bit. Not much is written about adult sibling discord and it can mean that people feel alone with it.

Low contact with your mum - in the book at the back there are lots of suggestions as to how you can work this through. (you can get a sample on Amazon) I think it is just the hardback there which is not cheap but if anyone finds anything else they find helpful on sibling conflict do pm me I would be grateful.

It is not you who is the HOME WRECKER - it is your sister. Clearly she is projecting.

There is also a fair bit in the book I mentioned about how some parents can actually (as you say) enable and encourage conflict between siblings - as it benefits them in some ways psychologically. Almost like an attention seeking thing - 'I'm the mother and I will stop you kids fighting..'.

As you say, it may well be that your mother enables it.

My mother has passed on now bless her, but for all I loved her, I recognised an element of this in our upbringing and can only hope with time that my family of origin come to realise this and respect me as a person, which they currently don't, sadly.

I'd block the lot of them and leave them to it. Won't be long before they turn on someone else. Then that relative will be asking for forgiveness and blaming another. Life is too short for this shit.

Can I ask why you agreed to stay away at the family Christmas, particularly as your DM knows everything?

I actually agree with PP who said say your bit to the family then leave it. They may not change their opinion but they also might and it is sooo unfair on you if you don't get the chance to put your side across as your sister has clearly been stirring things behind your back.

I'd be angry too if I'd spent 10 years babysitting evenings and weekends so my sibling could deceive her husband and children!

Thank you all! I'm glad I posted, as its really got to me.

I stayed away at Christmas as DM wouldn't have seen her other Grandchildren if I hadn't. I didn't want to cause that upset to her.

There's obviously been a lot of stirring! I will look up the book and not go for the burn it all approach.

NC with them all seems to be the consensus, I don't see any other way as I don't have the energy and don't enjoy drama

Thank you !! A very supportive AIBU, also feel less crackers that other have had similar

Look after yourself @Burnitalldown - it's truly horrible when your adult siblings go rogue on you.

Re: 'DM wouldn't have seen her other grandchildren if I hadn't'...

Do you see what I mean about parents manipulating others - and also you were made into a scapegoat which is very, very unfair as someone said.

There is quite a lot in the book about sibling conflict (and abuse) being way more common than many of us think - but also there being such a stigma attached to it as sibling relationships are sometimes painted as being perfect and lifelong and if they aren't - often someone is blamed for it. Sounds like in this case it is you.

There is a lot to say about being a scapegoat. (There is an oil painting and a story in the bible about it - along the lines of - a certain community can't face up to their own lies (and sins) and therefore in order to avoid confronting them - they pile them on to a goat and send the goat out into the desert so that they don't have to deal with the problem or look it in the face...)

And so the story goes - they have to chose a strong goat (or person) who will be strong enough to carry the sins and lies - and not buckle under the pressure - the scapegoat fulfils a function in the group.

But it is tough being a scape goat. The trick is I guess to enough the peace and quiet (in the desert) - and find other 'goats' to talk to - and possibly even get to the point where you can have a jolly good laugh about it...as one PP said

when you consider that scenario (and mine although I won't go in to it here) it is beyond pathetic actually isn't it? and certainly not deserving of mature, grown up parent behaviour!😁

Here is the famous picture of the goat and a few theories
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201312/the-psychology-scapegoating

@Burnitalldown glad you feel a bit better!

@stayingpositiveifpossible I'm going to have a look for that book too, thanks!

link to book here
www.amazon.co.uk/Cains-Legacy-Liberating-Siblings-Lifetime/dp/0465019404

@stayingpositiveifpossible thank you so much really appreciate it. Had a call from the police last night sis is insisting on a formal apology or court.

I'm seeking legal advice and have bought the book !

Formal apology 😂😂😂 where? In national newspaper? Let her crack on OP.
She sounds unhinged and sadly your mother is enabling her and so are your other sisters.
Please remove yourself from this set up as it’s toxic and detrimental to your wellbeing. Let them embrace themselves without you and get on with their family life.
If somebody doesn’t bring anything positive to your relationship it’s time to call it quits. As hard as it is it will benefit you in long term.
wishing you all the best 💐

Not sure what u need legal advice for? Did the police say there were charges against you ?
An amazed the police contacted you and said your sister wants an apology.... can't get police here to do anything!

I wouldn't be able to get over your DM asking you to stay away so the new guy could come at Christmas. I'd have had enough at that point and went NC

Walk away.
They're twats.

Apology for what??!!! And how can she threaten court for what seems to be nothing? Makes no sense. She sounds batshit.

You got a phone call from the police saying your sister wants a formal apology?

Bollocks did you.
Big, hairy, sweaty bollocks did you.

If you ring your local police station and ask and they say yes, actually, that was officer X and we did indeed contact you, I'll tapdance naked down Oxford Street with a rose up my arse.

That's how confident I am that any phone call you may have had was from someone simply claiming to be police.

Unless you have only told half the story of course.
If there's shit you missed out that would make it police involvement level then no naked Oxford Street rose dance for you.

Haven't spoke to my toxic sister for 10 years, best thing I ever did.