To ask how much you do for your teenagers.

[Yummyhobnobsandtea]

I have 3 teenagers 18,19,16 ( and a 6 year old ) I work part time, husband works long hours. I am constantly torn, wondering how much I should do for them - helping clean their room, washing, bedding etc. I feel like they are old enough and should be doing it all themselves but the mum in me wants to make their life as easy as possible. Also they all work, the older two pretty much full time. I want to ask the older two to start paying for their own phone contracts etc as they use their wages for going out, activities etc, all disposable. Then I see some of their friends parents still giving them money for clothes shopping etc and I wonder if I should still be doing the same. I just want them to start being a bit more independent and wondered how much other people do for their older teens.

There's no one right answer for everyone.
I rarely do any cleaning in their rooms after age 7-8 : maybe vacuuming, windows, is all. You obviously wouldn't feel comfortable with that little.

We pay for their phones & essential clothes, they pay for most of their fun and nice clothes.

Being independent: do they know how to clean & cook?

The best thing you can do for your teenagers is to teach them how to clean their own rooms, wash their clothes and shop, budget and cook for themselves.

If they are working full-time, of course they should be paying for their own bills! And contributing to the household.

I have two young adults and two in primary.

My older two do their own laundry, cook once a week for the family, take it in turns to clean the family bathroom, assist the others clearing up after dinner, occasional babysitting the younger two/pick them up from clubs etc, help with other chores whenever asked, pick up bits of shopping etc.
Both are currently working 20-30ish hours per week in summer jobs, they're usually studying.
I help out if they need it e.g hang their washing out if they have to go out, take things out the freezer they need for dinner etc but it has to come from them IYSWIM.

They've never had phone contracts always PAYG. From teenage years they've had an allowance from us to cover phone top ups/lunches/extra clothes and toiletries/socialising, this has continued as they are still in education that will stop once they're working full time although we will pay off their student loans once they earn enough and will help buy property when the time comes.

Thank you for the replies.

They can cook basic things like eggs, beans on toast, tuna pasta. They definitely know how to tidy but they will let their rooms get to all kinds of levels of grim and I will spend my time nagging so it’s easier for me just to do it myself sometimes.
They don’t pay anything into the house like rent/food but with the cost of living rises, I wanted the older two to start paying for their own things rather than blowing it all on parties and eating out. I just feel guilty if I do but a bit of a mug when I see them spending £50 quid or so on a night out.

I do pretty much everything for my 16 yo ds. But, he's disabled and limited to what he can do.
But I'm fairly certain that when my ds 10 is a teen he will be doing more things for himself. He already makes his own lunch for school, tidy's his room, clears up (but doesn't wash up, we have a dishwasher) after meals, feeds and waters his pets etc.

I leave them to keep their rooms however they wish providing dishes are brought down, bins emptied and nothing is being damaged. It their space in the house. They both tend to have a blitz and put fresh sheets on if their boyfriend/girlfriend are staying over.

I have three boys 26, 24 and almost 16. (1 with ADHD and 1 with ASD). I do quite a lot for them as I am home all day. The two older boys both work full time and pay all their own expenses and towards the household. All three take turns walking the dog. They all see to their own rooms. Ds1 and Ds3 do not keep them to my standards but that’s up to them. I do all the cooking (unless they want to make something different for themselves), all the laundry, shopping and most of the cleaning. I have a bad back so they will vacuum the stairs, clean the shower and mow the lawn as I find that difficult. They will always pop to the shop or do any little tasks I ask.

The older two are saving and hope to buy flats and move out next spring. If I were still working full time as I was until a few years ago I would use the money from the boys to pay a cleaner. That we survived two years of lockdown with all of us in the house working and learning from home without any conflict suggests to me that we have the balance right.

Mine are responsible for cleaning their bedrooms/bathrooms, putting towels/bedding in the wash and cooking once a week.

They are expected to chip in whenever asked, unload the dishwasher if it's ready and keep communal areas relatively clear. (Currently swamped by Uni stuff waiting to be sorted/stored in the roof.)

More importantly, they have a respect and gratitude for the things we do for them and so are happy to help when asked. In turn, we are thankful and respectful of the fact they do their assigned 'jobs' without fuss. More regularly would be better... 😜

Do they do any household chores? E.g. cooking for the whole family, gardening, cleaning up after dinner?

Being a good parent is preparing them for independence.

Kids don’t suddenly start doing x, y and z because they reach a certain age, independence and responsibility go hand in hand.

I have DS18 and DS15, their bedrooms are a disgrace, but I no longer clean or change their bed linen. I given them clean linen and they are expected to change the bed themselves.

DS18 loves to cook and will often cook the evening dinner, but DS15 is utterly useless and will starve to death whilst waiting for someone to feed him. Would not occur to him to make toast for breakfast or a sandwich for lunch.

We do not ask them pay for phones etc, but they are still both in FT education, if the elder one was working he would be expected to pay for his own phone.