Hello,
I don't really know why I'm posting but I feel like sometimes it's good to get things off your chest anonymously although I have posted here before so you may recognise me but I just need to know am I really a failure?
I've been working full time since I was 18 as my dad always installed it in me I MUST work however it seems he did this as I was the main source of income (didn't know at the time but he was only on a pension and my mums disabled so didn't work). I don't know much about percentages but he took £1000 a month leaving me with £200 but I lived at home so didn't really need all that much. I moved out and continued to work full time, my dad actually got me in some debt but I was working enough to pay that off (I've entered into a debt management plan now).
In January 2021 I had a baby via c section (elective c section due to previous sexual trauma) and then my dad got really poorly and died March 2021. I ended up in a deep depression due to grief and PND and tried to take my own life so had to come out of work, have therapy etc DH has been very supportive but he is the only worker in the house at the moment.
In February I had a contraception fail, I don't know what happened but I'm pregnant and since I found out on my dads anniversary I saw that as a sign and continued the pregnancy (silly I know) so I did get another job in March this year but with the tiredness and sickness, looking after a toddler and having to care for my mum who we now think has autism and other learning difficulties (long story) I left but they were really good and said come back whenever so I made a good impression at least.
I've actually decided to go and finish my uni degree, I was half way through year two when I had my baby and my dad died so had to quit but I've been accepted back on to year 2, baby's due in November but I've done uni and had a baby before so I know what to expect and I do have support from DHs family and my grandma if I need childcare and then once my degree is finished I was to do a registered mental health nurse degree and possibly a masters to up my earning potential but by the time that's done I'll be 32-35 and kids will be 5-7.
We're okay financially and can cope with me being off work and I think it's good that I'll have the same holidays as the kids when they're at school so don't need to fork out for childcare or after school clubs etc for at least another 5 year but I can't help but feel like a failure like I should be working and because I'm not that makes me a bad mum, wife, citizen etc and I keep applying for jobs and then cancelling my application so I wanted to rant but also ask the opinion of people outside of my circle if I'm being really stupid going to uni and not having a job or if it's the right thing to do?
I'm sorry it's so long, I'm struggling with it all.