... to be upset that my Mum is not bothered about seeing me

[frankie3]

I do get on well with my Mum, she lives very close to me, and she looks after my DS's for me one afternoon a week, but I do get upset that she never wants to see me. Every six months or so I say to her "We never see each other" and she will meet me for a coffee that week, and then that will be it for months. She is always too busy seeing friends, relatives etc, and never phones or wants to see me.

I hope I do not sound too needy or ungrateful, but I do sometimes need my Mum and she is not interested about being in my company. When I do phone her she will ask about the children and then will talk on and on about everyone she has seen or spoken to, and is not interested in anything personal about my life that I have to say.

Has anyone else had similar?

Frankie, sorry to hear about this. My mother seems happy to see me - but I do sometimes wonder if she approves of things I do - I think many of us yearn to make our mothers proud - and feel we've fallen short. And for some reason, if I want to drop by, a part of me still expects her to drop everything to see me (whilst the adult part of me is glad she doesn't).

Do you have siblings, and if so, do they have the same reaction from her? Has it always been like this, even when you were a child/ young adult? Have you tried telling her your feelings? She may be surprised that she comes across as being uninterested in you, and maybe she doesn't realise that you're feeling neglected by her busy social life. If she lives close by, and looks after your ds's weekly, would it be possible for you to hang around at her place for awhile when you pick them up - to make it more relaxed than a formal 'meeting for coffee'?

I have a similar situation, My Mum is my step-mum if that makes sense as my real mum passed away when i was ten, she has pretty much raised me, espesh as my dad died when i was 17, in 2004.

WE had our probs when i was a teen (who doesnt) but got really close following dads death. i moved out and since then she has had he BF move in, since then she isnt really interested much either, unless she wants me to baby sit my sisters... dont spose ive been much help but you arent alone in the feeling, to top it off i now have to tell her i cant go on hol with her... im a bit scared bout it.

hope things get better for you x

Thanks for your messages. I guess I feel that I have never been the daughter my mum would have wanted - she thinks I am too shy, too reserved and too sensible, whereas she is very confident and outgoing, always the life and soul of a party.

Maybe she almost takes it for granted that I am always OK and do not really need her like other relatives like my brother do, but she does not really know me as she does not try to and never wants to hear anything negative.

Sounds like my mum frankie3. Don't let her or anyone else drag you down. I would ask her outright why she doesn't seem interested in you and see what she says - and if she still doesn't bother then ignore her until she makes the move.

Bloody mothers. I am trying to be the opposite Mother to my DC's to the way my Mother was to me.

Shaniece, I have asked her and she gets very upset and doesn't agree with what I say. Today I tried to make arrangements with her but she made a lot of excuses and made me feel like I was nagging her. I just don't understand why she would prefer to see everyone but me as I am her daughter.

I am also trying to be the opposite with my DS's, and letting them feel that I love and respect them whatever they are like.

frankie - I know this sounds a bit harsh but I think you should ignore her for as long as you possibly can - let her be the one to make the first move, this is what I do with my Mother. My Mother goes months without phoning/visiting and lives 2 miles away. She sees my sister everday and grandaugher - she doesn't see my DC's for months.

I understand some parents have favourites (which I don't agree with) but to make it so obvious is disgusting I think.

The thing is, I do probably speak to her about once a week when she looks after my children, but it is all just a conversation about the children. It is always me phoning her though, although my dad does phone me.

Frankie3 - i have exactly the same experience with my mum. I have three younger sisters who live closer to my mum - i live 40 minutes away. I have never been terribly close to her but i think it hurts more now that i have children because i always hoped mum would be the ideal grandmother which is why i moved back to the area. But I haven't seen her in eight weeks (aside from a 2 hr family get together on Boxing Day when she said about two sentences to me) - she last visited me 3 months ago - our phone conversations consist of her moaning about her job / life and rarely asking how i am, or the kids. She has no idea how my xmas / new year was as she didn't call during that time. She always likes to allude to me the boring / dull / stable one who doesn't need any support whereas my sisters do - which annoys me because we all need some support at some times. I could go on and on - sorry. But it's not just your experience.

Sometimes I'll try to drop into conversation something personal, like trouble with my DH, or that I'm feeling a bit low, but she will never pick up on it and just start wittering on about my Aunt's doctors appointment or something. I guess I should just come to terms with how it is, but I do find it difficult to understand.

has she always been a distant kind of mum, Frankie?

I have so many friends who have lost their mothers, I just feel grateful to have one with all her marbles! (Or all the marbles she's ever had - she is a bit ditzy!) I do feel she's there for me, but I don't confide anything really personal or intimate eg relationship with dh, that sort of stuff.

Maybe your mother doesn't want to be that sort of close confidant - so she tries to keep conversations about 3rd parties. Many older generation women are like that. When my friend broke up with her partner of 10 years, she was upset when all the emotional support her mother could offer was to suggest therapy.

I don't think it means your mother doesn't care - she maybe just doesn't think it's her role to get too involved with the intimate details of your life.

Elasticwoman - I think you are right, maybe I expect too much. My mum is a close confidant to her sister, SIL etc, but maybe when it comes to me it is too close to home. I also think she likes to stick her head in the sand and think that if we are not talking about anything bad then everything must be OK.

You aren't alone, Frankie. My mother has always been the same way. Her phone seems to only ring in, not dial out - unless she needs something from me. For what its worth, though, she is the same way with my grandmother (her own mother). They live in the same town, a 15 minute drive apart, and my mother will come to the shops near my grandmother's house twice a month. She can't be bothered to make the extra 5 minute drive to come see her own mother. Even since moving to the UK, with the time difference and expense, I still talk to my gran 2 to 3 times a week. The rest of our family is close - it's just my mother who is standoffish.

Make the effort to call on holidays & birthdays, but otherwise, save your sanity and just let her call you. She doesn't call, it's her problem, not yours. You have your dad, after all, to be close with.

Frankie, you may be right about the head in the sand attitude. On the other hand, it could be that she doesn't want to get involved with, for example, any marital problems, because of the effect it might have on her relationship with your dh. He is the father of her gc after all.

Grrlscout how do you know Frankie has a Dad she is close to?

Frankie, Sometimes us mums do need a kick up the bum, could it be your mums knows you are alright, (you sounds pretty well grounded)- take her to one side and tell her how you feel, i bet she has no idea and will be upset,this has made me think, i ring my dd and dil and ask about he children-husbands, then go on about updating her on all the rest of the family news-not sure of the last time I asked her how she was

frankie3,

I have exactly the same issues with my mum. I hardly ever saw her all the time I was on maternity leave, and she's retiredand lives 5 mins drive away! I regularly invited her out to the park, into town etc, but was constantly rebuffed because she was cleaning the kitchen or other household tasks. I gave up in the end.

She now looks after my dd two days a week, which I fully appreciate, but she never wants to see me apart from that. I took dd on a day out to a farm this summer - it was a beautiful day and I packed a picnic etc, and invited my mum, but she wouldn't come because she was cleaning up! I felt lonely when I got there, because all the other mums and kids seemed to have grandma with them and I was on my own.

Now I don't even extend the invite in the first place - I'm fed up of constantly being knocked back...

Thanks for all your responses. Izzybobsmum - sounds similar to me. I try not to feel too sensitive, but my mum is always talking about going for lunch with her friends, shopping with my aunt etc, and we probably go out together once a year. It is difficult to not take it personally. I guess I just wish that I didn't want to see her, as it would make it easier, but although our characters are so different, she is still my mum and I enjoy her company.