Do I need more patience or s it okay to be direct?

[Random4321]

In my twenties I was kind of a tell it like it is person. I grew up in a tell it like it is family and that was just normal for me, I also have ADHD and at times didn't bother to filter. I got along well with people but in my early twenties I started to get feedback that it came across as mean and insensitive and so I worked hard to be very polite / refined and diplomatic and to communicate effectively. This worked great for about 20 years. At one point I taught courses on communication! About 5 years ago, in my 40s, I started to feel that approach slipping and a few times just out of impatience, either snapped at someone or said what I really thought. It didn't go over well! I spend the next couple years still being very diplomatic but with a lot of more snappy, impatient comments in my head that I had to work hard to keep to myself.

I am now late 40s and for some reason I just find it really hard to be patient and diplomatic anymore. I don't know what has happened but my impulse control and my patience leads me to reacting and saying things that clearly have an annoyed or critical or irritated or done with this tone. I don't know why I can't communicate as well as I did. I don't know if it is age or a mood thing (I am not depressed) or hormonal and some kind of premenopausal thing. Near the end of my last job when I was very fed up with the place, I said quite a few things near the end that didn't need to be said. None of it is untrue - I am just voicing thoughts that should stay in my head.

I started a new job 3 months ago and I have already TWICE let it happen again. Once in an email and once in person in a large meeting. In both cases the frustration was warranted for the situation HOWEVER expressing frustrating in a barbed and impatient and direct way is not the way to do it. I spoke to someone who had been at the meeting and she said "well it was pretty straightforward but I think you just said what we were all thinking". She said she didn't think my words were inappropriate but that my facial expression showed a lot of annoyance. It definitely gives you a reputation as I have learned in the past.

I have found it frustrating over the years to supress being straightforward, direct, state my opinion etc in the name of diplomacy but I also think that just saying what you think in an impatient or annoyed tone is not the way to go. I don't know though how to go back as it feels out of my control, as though have lost control of my dont blurt things out response or to not just hit send on an email!

Reasonable: By this point in life, just say what you think but work on tone
Unreasonable: It is bitchy and you need to try to go back to being diplomatic.

Its possible to be direct and diplomatic.

My dad revels in saying "I'm blunt" when really he means rude and gets away with it by saying blunt.

Have you observed how the men in your team do it? Men don't have female social conditioning and "be kind" that we swing too hard the other way. They just say what they think and calmly state it as fact. There's an innate expectation they'll be listened to, because, let's face it, they will. Try and channel the quiet expectation that you can voice an opinion or concern and be heard unquestionably. Not necessarily agreed with, but heard.

I think it’s a getting older thing, but you also get more frustrated as peri menopause kicks in.
The crap that we have to subscribe to can be infuriating.

How different is the response you'd get from being diplomatic?

Sometimes situations and people require you to be direct to get the required outcome.

I work in management, and whilst I try to give patience and understanding, there are members of teams that I've overseen that definitely require a no Bullshit, get it done, now approach.

You can be direct, but also polite and tactful. People who “tell it like it is” are the worst.

Depends if you want people to like you or not?
People don't want to be around snappy/rude people. As you say it does bring a reputation.

I seem to be lost my filter recently too. I'm not diagnosed with ADHD but two of my kids are and they don't get it from their Dad!
Most of my blunt comments have been online so far so easy to walk away from (although still make me cringe) but I've said a couple of tactless things to friends and my kids don't like me commenting on people in general (not in ear shot but observations about people we know and passers by etc., not all negative).
I did lose one old friend when I described her as bossy and another friend told her, that turned into a right kerfuffle that the friends group had not quite recovered from.
I don't know what to advise apart from repeating to oneself the old mantra "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" at least in social settings.

I think in the past I did have the right mix of direct and diplomacy. I was respected for what I thought even at senior management tables full of men. I have never been an overly sweet and kind or emotional type person, and I was able to say what I thought in a way that people listened without being put off. I do agree that men do not work that hard or spend so much time thinking how to say things and are taken seriously even when far more direct than a woman can be.

Now, I just can't seem to be diplomatic all the time. I still am sometimes and actually do better in my personal life but professionally, it is like my diplomacy meter has run out and I just get really impatient and frustrated and snappy. I do find my mood overall is less patient and more snappy and irritable but I just don't know why I don't seem to have control anymore. And I don't feel all that guilty after the fact. I feel like I am having some kind of mid life communication crisis! I don't think I am coming across as just direct but more direct and moody and I really hate that after years of closely managing my emotions to be sure I would be taken seriously etc. A friend told me - as long as it isn't mean, who cares. Just say what you think, at this age no need to not be direct but that just doesn't really fly in real life!

I’m dealing with customers all day long, so I’m never snappy, there are always a few that have some gripe or other and you do your best to help them. A couple of the supervisors can be too “direct” but I do know they have stressful personal lives.
I guess I’m lucky, it would take a lot to get me rattled and snap at soneome.

ADHD symptoms commonly become much more difficult to control once perimenopause and menopause begin.
This is thought to be due to a reduction in levels of oestrogen.

Was just going to say what @Junipercrumble said. It's all about the right balance at the time/for the point you are making/for the people you are talking to - sometimes a sharp word is exactly what's needed.

Can you mentally practice some stock phrases to use when you suddenly get the urge to say something that could be construed as rude?

So instead of ‘Honestly, that’s a terrible strategy and we discussed it last week.’
Maybe,’ I think we probably agreed last week that this solution wasn’t workable so perhaps we should focus on x.’

And hold back. Wait until you’ve thought a thought through. My DM has a dreadful reputation for saying appalling things. She honestly doesn’t mean to be rude or offensive but God she can be. She just needs to mentally rehearse how something sounds.

The problem isnt the directness it's your lack of control to exercise thoughtful judgement about using it. So id say it's a problem you need to work on.

Thanks. That is something I should read up on more or look into. I have had this brain all my life so I don't really think of ADHD often anymore, it is just part of me and for most of my adult life it has mostly manifested in executive functioning issues with organizing and planning and struggling with productivity and staying on task and managing daily tasks - not really with mood and impulse and emotional control.

I do feel like something out of my control is causing this change. It isn't like I am intending to say these snappy things or wanting to feel impatient and irritable. I just blurt them out. I feel like my brain is working differently. When I later reread the email I had sent, I had a 'what was I thinking when I sent that' thought and I don't know why I didn't rethink it before hitting send.

I learned to walk things back very rapidly when I did that, e.g.
"Let me rephrase as I appreciate I have been perhaps TOO direct :) ... I can see why people are pushing for this decision but my concern is that X will happen, as in my experience that's a very real possibility" (OR WHATEVER).

Emails, just learn to not send them immediately! Leave a minute or two and take a deep breath:)

It is totally hormones/ time of life btw!

I think I will have to start reading more on menopause too! I haven't had a lot of symptoms but this loss of frustration tolerance and emotional control makes me feel (and at times act) like a moody teenager again. I think it is hormones for sure to some degree. It is just a weird feeling after being a competent communicator and having had good emotional control for 25 years to now struggle with this.

That is a good suggestion to follow up my comment with an acknowledgement of how it came across. I don't know why I didn't rethink or pause before sending the email....again I have done that for 20+ years but now I just don't think before I speak. I am regressing!

Your post is all about you. How do you think it feels to be the other person on the end of your impatience and annoyed looks?

You say your frustration was warranted, maybe the person on the end of your comment didn't understand something or are not as quick as you etc.

There's a phrase "people who claim to be brutally honest tend to care more about being brutal than being honest" - could this apply to you OP?

Most people can be direct without being rude. I don't think being direct is a problem, it won't get you a reputation or get you talked about or spoken to. Being rude will, quite rightly, have repercussions for you (both socially and professionally).

I agree with PP about how your post is all about you and how you're worried that you being horrible to other people might have a negative impact on you. Could you start considering whether your behaviour has a negative impact on other people too? They've previously told you that your behaviour isn't pleasant to be around.

It's also telling that the examples you give and way you're expressing this is that you seem incapable of holding back saying negative thoughts but don't have the problem concealing positive thoughts about people - so this isn't an impulse control problem, it's just that you've stopped caring about whether you hurt other people.

Unless you also feel compelled to tell Jenny in the office that absolutely adore her new handbag or email Steve to let him know how well he did on that report you just read, you're not "direct" or "unable to suppress your thoughts" - you're just being nasty. It's worth noting that your colleagues may well tell you that they agree with you even if they don't because, kindly, if you're viewed as the "office bitch" then they won't want to disagree with you.

I work with someone who is very direct. Whilst I actually agree with what he is saying I find it's the way that he says it that comes across badly. The snappiness, talking over people, moody looks, head shakes etc all actually dilute from the message. People come out of meetings thinking 'is he angry with me' rather than reflecting on the actual message. This is one of those where it's as much if not more about the tone than the content