Divorce and friends and family visits - AIBU

[cato40]

Hi, more of a WWYD, hope some of you can advise?
Currently divorcing but living u der same roof. He had affair of 4 years but now half heartedly wants to stay married. Papers with court etc.

Anyway, he acts as if nothing happened and is being super dad, asking to do things together with kids which I find irritating, as if he is belittling my reasons for divorcing and I am the unreasonable one. Now he said his brother is coming to visit from Denmark and will be staying with us in 2 weeks time. I find that so inappropriate and I am furious. AIBU?
Isn't it the wrong time for him to visit? He knows we are divorcing. Should I offer to move out whilst he's here (my family is freaking out it is not safe for me to sleep at home with husband and his brother, for context the knowledge of the affair would bring huge shame to their SE Asian community)? I go out and leave the kids at home? 2 weeks after BIL comes I should take kids on holiday to Sardinia and want to tell his brother to come when I am away (but they may accuse me to alienate them from kids), is that a bad idea?
Husband was soo keen for us to stay together he promised to book relationship counselling but never did. For context when I confronted him for the affair he said he was in love with OW and wanted to move to SE Asia (their home country) with her and the kids! I sent their naked photos to her husband but he is keeping quiet to save the face, I don't belong to their community and don't care about hiding the affair but also feel vulnerable but they make me feel as if I am the u reasonable one. BIL used to live in the UK and used to come and visit every year since moving to Denmark.
Thanks to anyone advising!

Bump?

Goodness that's a lot to unpack. I'm assuming he's not telling his family- it'll come out eventually- go on holiday but be careful it doesn't look like your leaving family home long term.

He told his family (except his mum for health reasons). I recently lost my dad and he had to explain his siblings why my family and I didn't want him at the funeral. His family are sad about it, DH did what his father did years before and caused a lot of grief to him and his sisters. They seem sad about what happened, sad about the family break up etc but I feel his brother coming is like pretending nothing has happened and undermining of my hurt.

What do you want to do whilst he’s visiting? How long is he coming for? Not unreasonable for his brother to visit or for your kids to spend time with their uncle but you need to express how you want it to work, it’s your home too.

I would say no to the brothers visit. Personally I would contact him myself, say that as you are in the middle of a divorce it is not appropriate to be playing happy families and suggest he comes and spends time with his brother while you are away with the kids. If you just say no to your DH there is every chance he won't do anything and your BIL will just arrive anyway.

Because my husband is pretending we are not divorcing to me his brother's visit is a way to show the kids life is normal and I am batshit crazy. I also think it is disrespectful to go and stay with a family with kids that is going through a divorce. But maybe I am being unreasonable that's why I posted. My family don't feel it is safe for me to stay home whilst BIL is here so maybe I should move out for a few days? Would you do that?

Be clear how this will work. You live there too and be clear about being honest in conversations about your divorce throughout the visit.

Or, leave and take kids with you.

My family don't feel it is safe for me to stay home whilst BIL is here so maybe I should move out for a few days? Would you do that?

No, I'd only go if the children came with me. You've mentioned your husband planned on taking your children to the SE Asian country without you, can you honestly trust that your children will still be in the country if you left them alone with his brother and him?

Do not leave the children with your Husband and BIL.
I think you also need to see a solicitor
All the documents for the children should be in a safe place, can you get these together quietly and get these to your family's house

If you can say no to your BIL coming. Nothing against him but it is difficult times.

Take the kids to see your family.

Good luck.

Kids passport are out of reach, if I move out for the 5/6 days of the visit and take the kids won't that be classed as alienation? ex husband gets upset when I plan things with the kids without him (like going to the summer fair and see my brother out of the house) as he thinks we should do things together and can feel the alienation card coming.

Now he is in agreement for me to take kids to this dream holiday in Sardinia that was arranged ages ago. I fear that if I don't play his game he won't let me go in August and the kids will be devastated