To not tell DD about our separation?

[Watchamocauli]

DH and I been married for 16 years and we have lived in the UK for 13yrs. Have a DD age 10.
Over the years his family back home has been just plain nasty to me. He has never stood up for me. Last few yrs FIL was terminal so no drama all goody goody and sought help from us. We lost him a month ago and now MIL and SIL started again. yesterday they kicked off and DH just stood silent and let them abuse me over texts and video calls. Now I’m done. Only thing is DD gets very upset with the word divorce and asked me to promise that I never to break our home. So the AIBU is -
To go ahead with separation (mental & financial) but pretend to be family for DD until she is mature enough to understand divorce.

What does this separation look like? Do you plan to live in the same home?

Yes unfortunately for DD’s sake

No, don't do that! It's not unusual for children to ask their parents not to get divorced.

You can't live a 'pretend' life for 8+ years just so she's not upset by it, plus kids are astute, she's going to know it's 'fake'

Divorce & show her you don't have to put up with being walked all over!!

Get a GOOD solicitor.

your daughter should be told the truth, at her age she’s old enough to understand unless theirs sen. Are you sure you want to divorce or do you want DH to stand up for you. Start off by going blocking all of those who are horrible and let DH deal with them

Don't do that. Go ahead with the seperation, your mental health is important, it won't be better for your dd in the long run to stay all together like this.

Having been the child who's parents tried to pretend stay together for a number of years, utter hell. They argued all the fucking time, constant tension, always on edge. When they finally went their seperate ways, it was bliss, they both became nicer, calmer when they weren't under the mental stress of living with each other.

Pretending is ridiculous, will lead to so much stress and anxiety for everyone, including your dd.

Lying to her would be worse.

Op = your daughter is 10 - she doesn't get to demand that you 'don't break up the family home'. It's really sad for her - and of course will have a huge impact on her - but the way for her to come to terms with it is HONESTY

Sorry to shout but I can tell you from living experience - my parents tried repeatedly to 'pretend' various things about their relationship - I watched my mum fail to look the truth in the eye for so many years - so painful!

Think about the lessons you want your girl to learn - she needs to learn that yes life has sadness, it has hurt, it has disappointment - but by being honest and looking at reality we can learn resiliance, we can heal where we are broken.

Do you want your daughter to think that relationships are cold and lacking in warmth because that is what she will see? better you tell her that no you are not going to stay in this marriage because it is making you unhappy - and then she will learn the lesson that she should also not stay when she is unhappy!

Do you want her sitting in a therapists office aged 30 saying she lived a lie because she thought you were happy and discovered years later you were miserable?

Give her the gift of learning to cope with adversity

It can be a real mindfuck when you discover your parents were miserable.

And she might think behaving like this is normal - she needs to understand what a good marriage should look like I.e respectful, loyal and kind.

Doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.

You are not breaking the family, it is already broken and has been broken by the people that abuse you and the person who does not support you.

How will it work if, fe, one of you meets someone else while living in the same house?

She's probably parroting a sentiment she's heard from an adult, without fully understanding. Find a way to communicate why the separation needs to happen and reassurance that she still has two very loving parents. Lying is the worst thing you can do, and will totally betray her trust

If you act like it's all OK, you run the risk of showing your DD that's it's OK to stay in an abusive situation.
It will be tough I'm sure, but she will come to terms with it. The fact she's already mentioning the word divorce surely means she can sense how unhappy you are.

You are providing a blueprint of what a relationship should look like. It’s not helpful from this perspective to tell her everything is good when it isn’t. She won’t know how to recognise a non loving relationship when she’s older. You separating shows her that actually sometimes it’s worth breaking apart and this may stand her in good stead someday.

Tell your daughter the truth tell her both mummy and daddy loves her. Only a few things will change living different homes going to daddy home at weekends tell her things will stay the same mummy daddy will still go to school appointment together you both will plan her birthday and Christmas ect but please b honest with her xx good luck on your new journey x

No, don't do that. It's an opportunity to teach her that it's okay to walk away from abuse. Unfortunately that's something she's going to have to work harder on, given that she's no doubt witnessed the abuse of you. That's her normal & that's what she'll accept in future relationships. You owe it to her to be honest

I think you have to figure out exactly where you're trying to get to, and how quickly you can go from where you are now to there.

I would say you should be honest in what you say to DD but that doesn't mean that you have to tell her everything immediately.

e.g. It really upsets me that MiL treats me with so little respect and is often quite unkind. I don't think that it is ok for her to talk to me like that, it isn't what I expected and it wouldn't be what I wanted for you. I think it upsets me more though that DH doesn't stick up for me or tell her to stop, that doesn't make me feel safe or loved. Perhaps one day we will live in separate houses, you don't need to be too worried about that we'll make sure you're well taken care of but I think I'd rather live in my own house than with a man who doesn't love me.

If you watch enough kids tv and films then divorce is always portrayed as horrible with new step parents and step siblings making the main character's life a misery.

You can't promise your dd never to divorce for the same reason that when you got married that you really thought it was forever.

Even if you both remain single and she falls for this ruse, you will have demonstrated an unloving and distant adult relationship to her which could affect the adult relationships that she chooses. You and her dad are her normal whether you like it or not.

I have read stories on here by adults whose parents stayed together "for the sake of their children" and they almost all say that they wish their parents didn't stay together. Some knew their parents hated each other and others said that it was a terrible burden to carry and they'd rather their parents divorce.

By staying together too long, you risk the resentment building up and the atmosphere becoming toxic for your dd.

Plus it's unlikely you will both be single forever. Can you trust your ex not to tell MIL and SIL and for them not to tell your dd?

You will do more damage to your daughter by staying together and pretending!!!
You are the adult here and the one who makes the decision, not your 10 year old. What sort if example are you setting her by lying????

Thank you all. I’m still trying to process my decision. I’m came it after reading through in detail how courts involve children in divorce process.

This is all quite fresh still since we had no trouble last few years and the fact that last week was the best week ever in my career. Lots of accolades and the DD’s progress at school brought so much joy to our family of three. Yesterday I just went numb after the row.

I agree with you all - I’m setting up a bad example for adult relationships.

When I was 10 my dad was diagnosed with depression. Family life was hell. I’ve worked very hard to build a life with good career and little family. it wasn't easy.

I can’t imagine giving my DD the same experience. She is bright and I want her to have a good life and career. Divorce will break her mentally she is a sensitive child.

DH wants to talk to MIL / SIL but I think it's all over. I know the entire family on both sides will call me an egomaniac.

She already knows some of it. She has seen SIL ‘s manipulative behaviour at family gatherings. DH thinks I taught her to hate his family.

Of all things what is hurting most is I’ve carried this family together. I earn more than DH, buy everything thing that comes into this house. Do all the mental/cognitive task. Plan every trip or outing or social gatherings. DH is great at supporting at housework, and any physical effort. I’ve made a few observation about his unwillingness to engage mentally with us. But he put it down to FIL’s health worries or stress at work. But now he says we should not let others destroy our family.

I don't think he loves me but just reliant on me to lead his life and keep appearance of a nice settled life.

Op what were they abusing you over?

My DS and I are going through something very similar @Watchamocauli (fab name btw) and the best advice I was given is that kids will take their lead from you - if you get spiteful and toxic about the divorce (like my parents did) they will think that's the way to behave, whereas if you appear calm (ish) and sad but not dramatic they will accept that.

Yes it's going to be tough, yes it's going to be sad and there will need to be new ways of being all round - you, DD, XH and his family - but all of those will be better than staying in the awful situation you are in at the moment. Divorce doesn't need to break her, my DS is similarly bright and sensitive, and whilst he has struggled a bit, everyone is now remarking on how much happier and calmer he is day-to-day. And I am happier and calmer, which makes for a much happier home life for both of us, especially as XH and his behaviour are now elsewhere.

Take the high road, rise above the vitriol and present your DD with a calm, matter-of-fact demeanour that will reassure her - you don't need to lie, you can say it's not easy for you and you are sad about it, but be careful and age-appropriate about how much detail you give her; I left my XH because he was abusive, so I have REALLY had to bite my tongue about what I have shared with DS, but he will understand more as he grows up. For now he - and your DD - need as much stability and reassurance as is possible. Lean on your friends and family when you need support, not your DD (I'm not saying you are, I just know how tempting it is...and I spent a lot of my time in therapy talking about how I had to parent my mother when I was a child...)

Get yourself a good family law solicitor and get yourself out of there. There are brighter days ahead I promise.

Divorce will break her mentally she is a sensitive child.

No. It won't. That is your fear, your anxiety (change is scary for everyone which is why she asks you not to change things) and an exceptionally unhelpful way to frame it. It doesn't have to break anyone. Your job is to teach her change is manageable not something to hide from.

Approaching this with that kind of catastrophic belief "DD will be mentally broken" will influence your behaviour and choices in a negative way that risks turning your fear into a self-fulfilling prophecy. (For instance, your entire proposal to hide it would be so very damaging and is coming from your negative beliefs.)

Instead you're going to communicate clearly and considerately to her, be trustworthy and listen. You'll support her to navigate the change and her emotions, and support her to learn that difficult feelings (and difficult times) are temporary and survivable. You will be there making sure she continues to feel loved and safe.

To do that, you must put away the negative beliefs and self-talk and approach it with a belief that she will absolutely be fine. Nobody is going to be "mentally broken" . It's just a divorce.

"Divorce will be a challenging transition but with my support she will continue to thrive and grow." Would be a more helpful belief.

If everything has been good for years, then divorce seems like an extreme step after one bad call. Just stop having any interaction with his family. It sounds like they don't even live in the same country. Don't go on video calls and don't communicate with them and tell DH you don't want to hear anything about them.

the best advice I was given is that kids will take their lead from you - if you get spiteful and toxic about the divorce (like my parents did) they will think that's the way to behave, whereas if you appear calm (ish) and sad but not dramatic they will accept that.

Exactly this. If you tell her the news with the belief in your mind that it will mentally break her, it will affect how you frame the news to her. You'll express it in a way where she takes on your negative beliefs too, instead of hearing a positive message.

Don't tell her this like you're announcing a death or with fear and grief in your voice/face, tell her in the same way you might talk about starting a new school (which can also be a scary change). Matter of fact, practical, calm, positive.