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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dredge up the past

9 replies

courtrai · 04/07/2022 07:17

My sister is older than me (early 50's). She's on second marriage and has a lovely life, husband and family.

A few years ago - maybe 6 - my 2 DC we're staying with her in school holidays. At some point my daughter repeated a tale about my DSis being out on the town drunk with an ex boyfriend before she'd met her DH. My DSis phoned me in an absolute rage to tell me how she didn't want her children to know anything about her life before her marriage and how I'd betrayed her trust etc, I was absolutely heartbroken and cried for a few days at her being able to think I'd want to harm her. My trust in her has never fully recovered.

This weekend I was chatting to my DD about my relationship with my DSis. DD well recalled the conversation but said it was never me who'd told her this story in the first place but our mother (who has form for such things).

Given the elapse of time would you raise this with DSis? We don't speak much and are not on best of terms but I feel I want to clear my name.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 04/07/2022 07:19

It can’t do any harm as you’re not close now.

FriendlyPineapple · 04/07/2022 07:24

6 years ago and you don't speak much? I wouldn't bother I don't think.

SavoirFlair · 04/07/2022 07:25

There are three things going on in this thread:

  1. You need to tell your DD what’s appropriate and what isn’t - I don’t know how old your DD is, but this may have been all avoided if she didn’t tell the story which your sis considered inappropriate. Boundaries from younger family to older are not necessarily bad things. I hope she herself has learned something from this, or been encouraged to.
  2. How does your sis feel now? You said “My trust in her has never fully recovered.” but why have you lost trust in your sister who felt wronged by something your daughter said? Is it her fault?
  3. You should consider speaking to your mother about the boundaries too If your daughter did get this information from her, isn’t it worth checking in with her and maybe finding a way between the three of you to repair things?
SavoirFlair · 04/07/2022 07:26

FriendlyPineapple · 04/07/2022 07:24

6 years ago and you don't speak much? I wouldn't bother I don't think.

It’s probably because the typical British thing was done (one person felt wronged, the other side who may have had something to do with it didn’t want to acknowledge the wrong, both sides go off and huff for a while, a while becomes 6 years)

Original poster
courtrai · 04/07/2022 07:32

DD is 19 so would have been about 12 at the time. It wasn't a terrible story by any stretch just that she was out on the town in her twenties and managed to walk into a lamp post. Had it been something along the lines of she'd broken the law or done something terrible I could understand it. DD didn't see any significance in it and realistically neither do I to this day but I appreciate my sister has a different lens)

My mother is believed to both of us to have some issues with appropriateness that we've never managed to resolve

OP posts:
Lostmybendystraw · 04/07/2022 08:24

I am in a similar situation with my sister because of a small comment my brother said. I was something she had obviously told him. In itself it was a nothingness comment, it was also wrong. But to me it was just the very last straw in a long line of such comments, controlling, manipulative behaviour I had let slide our entire lives. For me it was the moment I was done. I love my sister, but I do not like her. Before you address this one comment are you sure there is not a bigger issue under the surface?

Original poster
courtrai · 04/07/2022 08:38

Lostmybendystraw · 04/07/2022 08:24

I am in a similar situation with my sister because of a small comment my brother said. I was something she had obviously told him. In itself it was a nothingness comment, it was also wrong. But to me it was just the very last straw in a long line of such comments, controlling, manipulative behaviour I had let slide our entire lives. For me it was the moment I was done. I love my sister, but I do not like her. Before you address this one comment are you sure there is not a bigger issue under the surface?

This situation has led to a bigger issue by virtue of the fact she felt I'd deliberately try and harm her through repeating stories to my DD that she felt painted her poorly.

At the time it happened no - I think that's why I was so upset because it completely blindsided me. She was really furious and I've never been so upset about our relationship as when it happened

OP posts:
PuckeredArseFace · 04/07/2022 08:47

Why didn't your mum speak up at the time? That's just awful
Yes I'd say something to clear my name

Original poster
courtrai · 04/07/2022 08:51

PuckeredArseFace · 04/07/2022 08:47

Why didn't your mum speak up at the time? That's just awful
Yes I'd say something to clear my name

I don't think I actually told my mum at the time. I was hugely embarrassed and upset and tried to bury it. I couldn't remember telling DD the story but figured she'd maybe overheard or perhaps I had and it seemed such an insignificance to me that I'd not registered it

My mother is a WHOLE other issue; no filter, doesn't ever see fault in herself, she also happens to not particularly like my sister which might explain things

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