To not want presents?

[MisstyB]

It's my birthday this week (47) and I am having the same issue I have every year with everyone who wants to buy me something. I struggle immensely with receiving gifts, mainly because I don't feel I don't deserve it, secondly I can't afford to reciprocate the gesture when it's needed, plus I really don't need or want anything and it's NOT that I am ungrateful I just feel really awkward.

I understand the generosity of others and I am flattered and blessed they want me to buy stuff for me, but I really feel crappy accepting it, it's definitely a me problem. For example, every year my mum will ask me what I want and I will say nothing, because I have everything I possibly want.

Yesterday I had my sister call me and say 'we're (her and my BIL) giving you £50 this year, what do you need/want?'. My initial reaction was 'thats really lovely and so generous but that's too much, I can't possibly accept that', they said they really wanted to, but still £50 in my eyes is a lot of money, which I can't accept.

In ALL my previous relationships I've struggled accepting gifts. I would much rather someone's time or a phone call.

A good male friend of mine asked me what I wanted and again I said 'it's really kind of you but there's nothing I want'.

I do hate being like this, but it's a massive cause of anxiety for me around 'gift giving' time and I realise some will think I am rude for not wanting to take the money/gifts because it's what they want to do for me, but it really is a huge anxiety creator and I don't want to feel even more shit on my birthday - I'm already dreading the day itself as it is.

I think you need to remember that gift-giving gives a lot of joy to the giver. It’s about them more than you.

I also don’t really like getting presents. At work, my co-workers often exchange gifts. I just politely say thank you and take the gift but never reciprocate, so they’ve stopped buying for me and just exchange gifts amongst themselves, which is great.

In terms of family, it sounds like they just want to do something nice for you and don’t care about getting something back, so don’t feel guilty. Maybe ask for a voucher for a shop you like or ask for something you like, like chocolates and a jigsaw puzzle.

Honestly, it sounds like this is just the tip of the iceberg and you could do with some therapy to process and deal with your very poor self esteem.

You’ve made it clear you don’t want anything. What they do now is on them. Just accept in good grace and don’t reciprocate.

I don’t have the same anxiety about getting presents but I often wish most people didn’t bother because it’s usually just some generic item or boots gift set that ends up in the charity shop.

Or I get continually asked about what I want - and there is frankly nothing I want for the value of £25-30 that I wouldn’t have already bought myself if I was that bothered.

Christmas is particularly bad - I keep suggesting a secret Santa but everyone else would rather keep buying the same old generic rubbish for everyone.

I feel differently about a thoughtful present from DH or being treated to a meal out or something. My parents usually get me a plant for the garden which is nice.

However, call me miserable, but most presents I receive I would rather they saved the money!

If people feel they MUST buy you presents, why don't you ask for a donation to charity for your gift? It could be either a specific charity you have an interest in or you could leave it up to them. That way you know that at least the money will have been spent on something worthwhile!
or - and this is less altruistic - you could ask for lottery tickets or an entry to one of those 'win a house' competitions. If you win either then you can choose what to do with your winnings... It could set you up for life!

I agree with @DilemmaDelilah if people insist on asking what I want for Christmas/ Birthday etc I give them details of two small charities - both very dear to me - and say it would make me happier if they made a donation to them instead!

I am glad I'm not alone feeling this.

A charity is a good idea or even if they bought food for the local food bank.

I feel similarly. But not about Christmas presents, only birthday. So I think it must be because I am always depressed about my birthday and low self esteem, whereas I feel Christmas is for everyone.

What type of things do you buy for yourself normally? Do you read books? I just turned 47 and one of my gifts was a paperback book that's just been released. If it hadn't been my birthday I would have probably bought it myself but as it was my birthday when asked what I wanted I said "I'd like to read that new book by X".
I think sometimes people want to spend far too high amounts of money on gifts - £50 etc which can make choosing something you want quite hard. The book was about £6. I wouldn't expect anything else to add to that.

Ask for a gift voucher then spend the money on groceries for a food bank.

How about telling them to take you out for dinner or something instead

Agree with this. Say that what you most appreciate is spending time with people so let’s go out for lunch/afternoon tea/the cinema.

I hear you, sister.

My absolute 'rules' are nothing that needs to be dusted. If they insist, or feel better for having given my something, then very small boxes of exquisite chocolates and / or bottles of champagne. Use the chocs whenever we have visitors and the champagne as reliable presents for others

Much prefer going out for coffee, lunch dinner etc

@Needmorelego

Yes, I do read, a lot. I've read all that we're currently on my 'list' of 50. x

Have you been through something personally traumatic to not want the attention of a nice gift on your birthday? Just thank them for their kindness and perhaps suggest they take you out for a meal with that £50? Alternatively you could ask them to buy you a massage (if that's your thing!) or even donate to a charity?