Bridesmaids

[DottyLou1]

Hi there,

Bit of a random question but wondered what people thought to the following situation and if I’m being unreasonable? I recently got married and had a small number of bridesmaids so quite happily bought their dresses (after choosing them with the bridal party) which I thought was quite the norm. One offered to pay but i said I would pay for it. The others did not and then started asking me about shoes and jewellery to which I replied if they had anything already at home which they liked and thought would go with the dresses to use them. I thought no more of it.

Fast forward to the hen party (which was lovely) but the following day the MOH and my school friends announced that, rather than go to breakfast with me and two other girls on the hen party, that they were going to leave instead and go home. Once again, thought nothing of it and went to breakfast with the other girls. Fast forward again and following our wedding rehearsal we (myself and groom) suggested an informal dinner so bridesmaids, ushers and parents could meet each other before the big day. We said partners were invited along too so imagine our shock when the bridal party (and their partners and children) left without even offering to pay for their meals/contribute towards the meal (which they didn’t have to come to) or even say thank you. By now I was slightly annoyed but as it was the day before the wedding j decided to try and enjoy my last night especially as having made plans with the MOH that she was going to stay with me weeks before only for me to double check with her a few days earlier to tell me that actually she wasn’t going to anymore.

Finally the big day arrived and organised for hair, makeup and breakfast at my house for the bridal party. I arranged to go towards the end with MOB as she’s quite unwell. But this is really where I would be interested to know if I’m being unreasonable or not. I had arranged all the bridesmaids dresses and my dress in our spare bedroom. After hair and make up I suggested that we get ready as we were running late. The bridesmaids then went upstairs and two took their dresses from the spare bedroom and went into my bedroom to get ready leaving one bridesmaid and the flower girl to get ready in the spare room. Did I mention that this meant I had nowhere to get ready until one group of bridesmaids were finished. The MOH and one bridesmaid finished first so I took my dress and started to get ready and no one helped me even though they saw me struggle. I asked one of them to do my buttons up and no sooner has she done that she left and was fiddling with her pashmina, talking to her partner who had randomly turned up. The other two were completely oblivious and when the photographer wanted to take a photo no one was around to help me down the stairs. Whilst this was going on MOB had to get to the church and was in a wheelchair so had to get her in the wheelchair whilst holding my dress and out the house on my own with no help from the bridesmaids (who were still upstairs chatting and giggling). In the end the hairdresser and photographer had to help me with shoes, veil and sorting out my train and because of everything we were 20 minutes late to the church and quite upset. What do people think?

[bridgetreilly]

I think you have been unclear in your communication throughout, including but not only, on your wedding day.

[DottyLou1]

Quite possibly. I guess I had just hoped that I would’ve been a bit more supported on the morning that’s all but do get that I should’ve communicated that to them so thank you

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Were these friends of yours? Because I had very good friends and would have said, "oi gitface, little help?".

[RicherThanYew]

Your friends let you down @DottyLou1 I would have been upset too. It doesn't take a genius to notice that a bride may need assistance with a cumbersome gown/buttons/train whatever, and of course the poor bugger in the wheelchair needed help!

[DottyLou1]

@MrsTerryPratchett

Were these friends of yours? Because I had very good friends and would have said, "oi gitface, little help?".

Yes, two were friends from school so know about mum and one I met later through work. I guess I thought with the stress of the situation that one of them would’ve lent a hand but the partner of one of the bridesmaids was luckily on hand to help. But yes I could’ve been vocal and asked them to come and help at the time. I just didn’t want to ruin their morning I suppose (if that makes sense)

[Clarinet1]

I’m never been married or been a bridesmaid but surely the whole point of them is to provide assistance to the bride - clue’s in the name!

[ShippingNews]

So basically what you are saying is that your bridesmaids didn't help you to get ready.

As often, it all comes down to communication. Did you actually say " Now, who is going to help me to get into this dress " ? or "Can someone help Mum with her wheelchair "?

It sounds as if you soldiered on silently - but bridesmaids sometimes need to be reminded that they have an actual job to do.

[SaggyBlinders]

Don't understand the relevance of your first paragraph.

When was your wedding and how has your friendship with them seemed since?

Have you not spoken to either of them about it?

[caringcarer]

If you invite bridesmaids and others to a pre wedding meal then you should expect to pay for them. If these bridesmaids were friends of yours you should have asked for help. No point being a martyr on your own wedding day. I expect 2 bridesmaids, MoH and a flower girl would be quite squashed all in one spare room unless they dressed 2 at a time.

[ShippingNews]

But yes I could’ve been vocal and asked them to come and help at the time. I just didn’t want to ruin their morning I suppose (if that makes sense)

It wouldn't have ruined their morning ! Helping the bride is what they are supposed to do ! It's all part of the fun of the wedding day, helping each other to get ready etc.

[Want2beme]

Part of their role is to help you. Surely they know that. What's happened to cause this attitude? How were they for the rest of the day?

[Oceanus]

We said partners were invited along too so imagine our shock when the bridal party (and their partners and children) left without even offering to pay for their meals/contribute towards the meal (which they didn’t have to come to) or even say thank you.
You invited, invitations come with no strings attached unless you say so, so YABU.
As for the rest, where you got zero help on the day of the wedding, I'll keep it short and simple: get new friends and make sure they're all less self-absorved.
As for them expecting you to buy shoes and accessories, see previous sentence for my advice.

[mathanxiety]

You didn't want to ruin their fun so you ended up doing everything yourself...

What you need is an assertiveness training course.

You should have organised them either a few days before or on the day. Direct instructions to specific bridesmaids would ha e resulted in a better outcome.

Also, if you invite bridesmaids and their partners and children for any kind of a meal and don't state upfront that you'll all be going Dutch, you're going to end up with the bill.

All of the confusion and expense and hassle could have been avoided if you had realised that people can't read your mind.

[Bunty55]

If you asked them to be bridesmaids then I think you were right to have paid for their dresses but only their dresses You should also have stipulated what shoes they should wear (colour style)
If they did not want to pay for the shoes they had the choice to turn you down.
You should have also made it clear what their duties were. It sounds like you had too many and they were in different camps.
They sound like juveniles.

I have been a bridesmaid twice. First time, I ironed the brides clothes for her honeymoon and we helped her into her dress and did her make up.

She paid for our dresses and we paid for our hair doing and our shoes etc.

The other time the bride paid for dresses and hats and we helped her to get ready.

Both times, the bride came first.

[ChampagneLassie]

As others have said, if I were bridesmaid I'd have probably assumed the meal was paid for, but I'd have offered to contribute. I think the only real thing you have to be disappointed with is on the day. However I'm sure they were doing what they thought and you should have just asked for help / given clearer direction. If actually your friends are just rubbish uncaring people then I'd suggest get better friends

[KellyJonesLeatherTrousers]

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times and also had a wedding day myself. Perfectly normal for bridesmaids to get a little carried away getting ready - it really just needed a ‘hey, can one of you help me with my shoes please?’.

Nothing else you’ve said seems that unusual either, I would’ve assume the night before meal was paid for too (although to be fair I would have checked with you).

[clanell]

Weddings are weird, take up so much time and money but if they aren't your good friends why are they a bridesmaid. And if they're a good friend just talk to them, discuss things. To me a wedding is your day with all your people, but you can't expect everyone to enjoy it as it's not people they know. So is a pretty boring day.
My bridesmaid was under 2, might have to give her a call to see why she didn't help me get dressed; she probably thought that if she could do it, I could too

[Darbs76]

It’s their role to help the bride - surely they knew that? I’d be quite annoyed too. Re the meal I think that was pretty rude to not offer, but I guess they might have thought you were paying as you invited everyone. People can be cheeky, as you’ve found out

[skimper]

@Darbs76

It’s their role to help the bride - surely they knew that? I’d be quite annoyed too. Re the meal I think that was pretty rude to not offer, but I guess they might have thought you were paying as you invited everyone. People can be cheeky, as you’ve found out

How do you know what's expected. Weddings are awkward. My sister didn't want me as a bridesmaid, still annoys me a bit now but it wasn't my day and she can choose who she wants so need to forget my issue and enjoy her day how she wanted, me not involved at all