If your child had a favourite parent...

[Icecreamandapplepie]

If your child had a favourite parent when they were little, did that carry on as they got older?

We had three children rather close together. I'm slightly favoured by the older and the youngest one. The middle is a daddy's girl, which is fine, I was too. However, she regularly says she loves him more, always goes to him for cuddles, wants to spend all her time around him instead of me. It is hurtful.

I try not to let it show that it bothers me, but it does.

She does come to me if she's hurt or scared, says she loves me too (always followed by but I love daddy much more), but isn't cuddly with me. She tells alot of people how much more she loves her dad.

With them being so close together, i think i was spread thinly and she was looked after by him quite alot, which worried me a bit at the time, but I still spent loads of time with her etc. It could be connected to that or just a personality thing (she's quite like me so it would make sense she gets on with her dad!)...

She's 6.

Is this how it will be throughout her life?

Any experiences?

I guess if I have to make it an aibu, am I right to be a bit upset and worried?

I have always been closer with my dad than my mum because my dad and I have very similar personalities (laidback, disorganised, easy-going dreamers who are huge sports fans) and my mum is the polar opposite, so I have often clashed with her. But I still love my mum, admire and respect her a lot. I can't say it has changed over the years. It's just a personality thing. But my brother is very similar to my mum and has always been closer with her.

I understand that it might be a bit upsetting, but unsure why this would worry you? Are you jealous (this is a genuine question; I'm not being facetious).
You say that DC 1 and 3 'slightly' favour you. Is it important to you that all your DC favour you? And, if so, why?

As a child I was a mummy's girl, but as an adult became much closer with my dad.
My daughter was quite a daddy's girl (not loads more, I'd probably say she favoured him 60/40) up until last year when she was 10 - the shift coincided with when she got appendicitis and we spent a couple of days in hospital together followed by 10 days or so at home recovering. After that she seemed to stick to my side. Could also be just getting older - she doesn't want kisses from or cuddles with DH anymore.
DS has always been a mummy's boy and we still have a very strong bond, probably helped by our very similar personalities and interests. But he definitely has more time for my DH now and likes 1 on 1 time together - they often go for walks just the two of them and have started car booting together which I don't get involved with.

So I suppose from my experience, I would say don't worry. She loves you and tells you as much. Maybe try and find an activity that just the two of you do together if you feel you want to strengthen that relationship

I think at 6 I would be telling her calmly that saying she loves daddy more hurts your feelings. You and daddy love all three children the same, but imagine how she would feel if daddy said he loved older child more.

It's ok for her to prefer to spend time with daddy but I don't think it's ok for her to speak like that.

Then I'd just keep making time for her as you do with the other two, and make sure your DH is on board with that too, so he's not stepping in and taking over when you are with her.

I think it switches around though. Are you doing more day to day parenting? I wonder if (subconsciously) she feels she's got to compete for daddy's love but yours is a given?

It worried you that your dd was looked after a lot by her own dad?

You admit that your other two slightly favour you. Do you really need to be favoured by all 3?

Mine are all adults now. I split with their father before they were teenagers. I think they love us both but in different ways. Their father is very loving, very generous with the little he has, would do anything for them but isn't actually able to do very much as he has disabilities. He isn't very bright and relies on the children to help him with paperwork etc. I love my children to bits but have always been the one who has had to cope, who has taught them how to behave, who has taught them how to be resilient. I am the one they go to for advice, who they ask for help, and the one they can rely on absolutely. I think you will find that all your children will love you and their father but maybe will prefer one of the other of you at different stages of their lives. Unless of course either of you end up being totally awful parents that they have to go nc with as seems to be quite common on here!

No it didn’t carry on as they got older.

My DD favoured DH for years, in restaurants she always sat on his lap (she hated high chairs), he was the first to hold her (water birth). I am not sure when it evened out. DH and she still have a strong special bond but now she is 15 and tells me I am her best friend. I just kept doing the ordinary day to day stuff, be consistent, help her organise her school stuff, help her keep her bedroom nice, cook her favourite food, and she appreciated that. I really wouldn’t worry about it.

IME the children gravitated to which parent they needed most at a specific stage in their development/life.

For example my DS was very close to me when little, but as he went through puberty became far closer to DH.

As an adult, it's now pretty much even and he relies on us equally but for different things (based on my/DH's skills and general personality).

I honestly would not overthink it, nor would I (as a pp suggested) call her out on it.

Your DD loves you and that's all that matters. Her current preference for her father is what it is, for now.

I was much closer to my father growing up but in adulthood am much closer to my mother.

I realise with hindsight that I'm actually more like my mother as a personality (hence the teenage clashes) than my father and that's why as a child/young adult I gravitated to him - because I found his qualities as a person as attractive as my mother did.

Now older, I value much more my mothers perspective on the world and see her "wisdom" and frankly how much more effort she put in to parenting than my father did (obvious once I became a parent myself).

Upshot is she's 6 years old. Keep being a good mother to her and you'll find she will feel differently in time.

I love my son adores his dad but it's weirdly normal to get a bit jealous, but we wouldn't change it. I was always extremely pro dad as a kid, but then had a child and suddenly me and my mum got so much closer and I needed her more. We are very different people so bit weird sometimes but I don't really need my dad anymore, but enjoy being with him, but definitely never thought me and mum would have this kind of relationship