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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I 'probably' wouldn't...

35 replies

Looban · 03/07/2022 20:11

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We both have DC from a previous relationship. Just recently, we have been discussing living together, and how we could make it work (either renting or buying). We've discussed renting together, or if the right property comes up, potentially buying. He's already got a property, and I currently rent, although I do have quite a significant sum of money to contribute towards a joint property.

We've been going to see properties together, sending links to each other on rightmove to various properties, discussing how it would logistically work, what we'd both like in a property. We've talked about how we would split the bills. We've also told our friends and family about our plans to move in together.

Last week, he went to see a property to buy, by himself. I was at work so I couldn't make it. Today, we were discussing the property he'd been to see, and he said, 'I'd like you to come and view it. If you didn't like it then I probably wouldn't buy it.' I was a bit taken aback and said I thought that it was an odd thing to say, as there is the obvious implication that he would potentially buy something that I didn't like / buy something by himself. I said I wouldn't even consider a property that he didn't like and I thought us living together was about us committing to one another. He said that he'd been planning to buy a bigger property for him and his DC for some time before I'd come into the picture, but obviously meeting me meant I had to be considered too, then said 'obviously if you really hated a property it wouldn't make sense to buy it.'

I'm just a bit taken aback to be honest. AIBU?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 03/07/2022 20:16

Sounds like he's being fairly sensible - if he was planning to get a bigger home anyway, maybe he feels it a bit soon to buy a place together.
You've only been together 18 months, he has his own place already and has the ongoing security of his son to consider.

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 20:21

@ThinWomansBrain Fair enough but he hadn't communicated that until today. And I still wouldn't go ahead and buy a property without him, I'd rent and then if it worked out, look together. I just found it quite an uncommitted comment to make.

OP posts:
HotDogKetchup · 03/07/2022 20:22

I think you’re reading too much into it. He’s asked you to look and values your opinion.

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 20:36

@HotDogKetchup Yeah, I could just be being extra sensitive. I guess it's just because when I delved deeper into why he'd said, 'probably', he didn't correct himself and say, of course he wouldn't buy a property that I didn't like (which is how I feel about him) . He just justified his initial comment.

OP posts:
femmemara · 03/07/2022 20:40

18m far far too soon to buy a property together.

I think he's being sensible.

Testina · 03/07/2022 20:40

Looban · 03/07/2022 20:21

@ThinWomansBrain Fair enough but he hadn't communicated that until today. And I still wouldn't go ahead and buy a property without him, I'd rent and then if it worked out, look together. I just found it quite an uncommitted comment to make.

I think you should take a leaf out of his sensible book. You’ve both got a relationship behind you that left you as single parents. It’s great if a relationship lasts, but it’s so common not to that you’d be a fool not to consider it. Here you are saying you wouldn’t but without him. Why not? Take control of your life (and your child’s) then slot him in if it suits.

Testina · 03/07/2022 20:42

I think the first question here though is: are you buying together or not? Sounds like you thought you were, and he thinks potentially not?

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 20:45

@Testina I'm not sure to be honest. I'd suggested renting first as that is what is sensible, then it devolved into looking at properties to buy too and thinking about what makes the most sense / we'd rather do. We'd discussed how much money we'd both have to put into buying a property together, so the implication was definitely that we'd be buying together. That's why his comments surprised me.

OP posts:
dudsville · 03/07/2022 20:47

He's factoring you in at an appropriate level given the status of your relationship from his pov, which is valid. You could let him find a place for him and his kids and let your relationship breathe for a bit before hoping for him to be on the same page as you. I get that could be tough though if you're already all in.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/07/2022 20:47

You're overthinking - he just threw the word "probably" in there to sound casual about it, but he wants to know you don't hate the place before he buys it.

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 20:49

@dudsville Yeah, I get that and I'm on board, he was the one initially suggesting and pushing to move in together. I'm just not sure why I was factored in at the beginning (renting, and then buying), now it seems the goal posts have moved out of nowhere...

OP posts:
Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 20:50

@TheYearOfSmallThings But the whole conversation started weeks ago about us buying together, but it seems to have changed into HIM buying it, not US.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatileOohOoh · 03/07/2022 20:51

Surely your priority as a single mum who is renting but has the means to buy is to buy a property just for you and the children to ensure you’re all secure?

Buying a property with a man you’ve known for such a short time, investing in a shared asset, and blending families isn’t beneficial to your children.

Currently, you’re reliant on a landlord. If you move in with this man, you’re dependent on him for security.

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 20:55

@WafflyVersatileOohOoh But that's the very point. It wasn't meant to be like that. We were meant to be buying / renting together!

OP posts:
Misstes · 03/07/2022 20:56

I’m going to be a kill joy too. Please think before you put a large amount of money into a house with a person you have only been with 18 months. Could you not buy alone then if you decide to move in together rent that property out for your own security?

WafflyVersatileOohOoh · 03/07/2022 20:57

Looban · 03/07/2022 20:55

@WafflyVersatileOohOoh But that's the very point. It wasn't meant to be like that. We were meant to be buying / renting together!

You’ve missed my point.

If you buy together, you’re reliant on him because, if the relationship breaks up, it’s likely you’re going to end up selling the house and having to move again.

If you have the means to buy yourself, do that. It’s the most secure thing for your children.

Testina · 03/07/2022 20:59

Why would he rent with you though?
Expensive, and he has a house.
I can see the logic when 2 people rent together and the owner rents their place out, as a trial run on neutral territory… but that’s not a great idea when you have kids already. Not fair to change their home.
In his position, owning a house already, I wouldn’t buy with someone and add that complication if we split.
18 months really is too soon for this when you both have children.

WinterMusings · 03/07/2022 20:59

femmemara · 03/07/2022 20:40

18m far far too soon to buy a property together.

I think he's being sensible.

It might be far far too soon for you, but your opinion is just that, your option & the OP
wasnt asking for it.

@Looban it sounds like you need to have another proper conversation about what you both want. Sounds a bit like he's not as committed to your plans together as you are, despite what he's been saying. If he was committed to living/buying tigether he wouldn't even be thinking about buying by himself.

just make sure you understand the different options you have when buying together, if you do.

Lots of different options to live together if you decide not to buy tigether immediately, but you both need to be totally honest about how you feel.

JenniferPlantain · 03/07/2022 21:00

This is a sign that you need to buy separately. It’s just too early to blend your lives like this.

ImpartialMongoose · 03/07/2022 21:08

It seems to me that he has mislead you by not being honest. Either he did want to move in with you and rent or potentially buy a property with you and somewhere along the line he has changed his mind and this is his way of getting out of it without having to discuss his change of heart or he didn't want yo move in with you to begin with and just went along with it for some reason. Either way, this must have blind sided you. You must be feeling very let down.

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 21:10

@ImpartialMongoose Yep, this is exactly it. 😕

OP posts:
Testina · 03/07/2022 21:19

Have the lengthy discussions about it definitely included you buying together?
It’s a long shot, but I’m wondering if the options he thinks he’s discussed are:


  • he buys and you move in

  • you rent together

And you extrapolated the renting together ti buying together?
Long shot, as I say.
Because if this has always been a quest to buy together, I would dump him now.
Not for changing his mind - that would be sensible and reasonable. But for not telling you. That’s shit.
I don’t understand why he was ever talking about renting with you though. That’s why I wonder if there’s some small possibility of crossed wires?

Testina · 03/07/2022 21:21

When I say dump him now… that’s not for the not being ready to combine families and property ownership - that’s fine at 18 months. But for lying to you after he changed his mind.

ImpartialMongoose · 03/07/2022 21:21

Looban · 03/07/2022 21:10

@ImpartialMongoose Yep, this is exactly it. 😕

It's extremely frustrating when a partner chooses to change the goal posts and hope you won't notice. It's insulting and damages trust. Honesty is far less hurtful but some people will choose to be evasive, thinking they are diverting a confrontation, which is so very short sighted. I hope you can sort it out, OP.

Original poster
Looban · 03/07/2022 21:22

@Testina He was the first person to suggest living together. I initially suggested renting together as I didn't think it sensible to jump into buying just yet. Then it evolved into the possibility of renting OR buying together, it's definitely not crossed wires as we discussed what the best options would be; us both being on the mortgage, where would be best for both of us, how much we would both have to contribute, how we would ring fence our initial investments... I definitely didn't just jump to the conclusion! This has been very much lead by him.

OP posts: