I’m so annoyed with people

[StressedMummy2222]

I’ve been suffering anxiety most of my life. It’s gotten worse since the kids as more things to do. I’m finding other people really annoying. I often feel if I could just not interact with anyone how peaceful life would be but it’s not fair for my little kids, so obviously I don’t.

something that’s really pissing me off is my child’s best friend is having a party next weekend. The mother has asked me to keep it free but has not given any other details! I feel I’m stalking her by asking, she doesn’t reply straight away either - she responds to my texts 3 or 4 days later which pisses me off further. I have a lot going on the weekends so if she can at least tell me the date and time I will keep it free and move around things. It’s so frustrating. You have to give a week notice for the kids weekend classes otherwise still charged, so if the party clashes with the classes I’ve lost my money plus I need to get grandparents to look after the other child as I’m not going to take her to another kids party when not invited.

She’s not the only one I have lots of family and other “friends” like this. DH thinks it’s all me as I’m super organised and others not like me and I need to chill.

It’s really frustrating. It’s not just this lots of things like this annoy me. How do the rest of you cope?

Obviously you ask her what day and time it is, that’s not stalking that’s just a sensible question!

If she takes 3/4 days to respond then ring her.

Just say 'I'll try' when she asks you to keep it free. If it clashes say sorry that clashes with a paid for activity.

I often feel a bit irritable too with others and have thought that it’s probably my anxiety making it worse!

Pick up the phone and ask her the date time and place.
If it clashes wirh your child's activity then decide what to do.

Remember an invitation is just that, it's not a summons. You can say no if it doesn't suit.

Regarding needing thr grandparents to help, that's not really necessary is it?. Drop your DC at the parry?

I also think your DH is right, you need to chill.

Just message her and say you need to know the details by Tuesday (or whenever) as you have other plans you need to fit around it. Then if she takes too long to reply, too bad for her, she didn't reply soon enough.

Usually I'm the undecided one, it's a mix sometimes I prefer to set x day for x activities, other times I prefer to see how the day is, and if I want to do x instead of x, so I try not to conflict the days.

@ZekeZeke they’re 5 year olds. I don’t feel comfortable leaving at a party also you can’t as the kids need to be supervised. I can’t expect her to supervise my kid on top of all others plus be a host.

Is it in her home or a play centre?
Maybe the host won't want you to stay?

'Hi can I get the details of x's party, I've got to sort activities and grandparents! Thanks'

Done

At a play centre last time I spoke to her but who knows as no other details given. Not even the date. I know if I don’t turn up she will be in a mood. @UWhatNow

perfect name btw for this context. So I’m expected to keep my whole weekend free and not be told anything else when asking and that’s bullying? If it’s Saturday then that’s 6 days away! You must be a super door mat if u wait around for others.

@forrestgreen

'Hi can I get the details of x's party, I've got to sort activities and grandparents! Thanks'

Done

I have already sent a message similar to what you’ve written. Had no reply which I feel is damn rude

I think when our kids are young we turn ourselves inside out trying to facilitate their friendships and making sure they have plenty of social activities. But honestly, once they start secondary school it all goes to shit - all those friendships you've carefully nurtured by having other peoples pita kids over for play dates, family stuff you've given up for them to attend parties etc, all means nothing because they make completely different friends!

So my advice is to not arrange your whole life around these things - do what suits you and try not to sweat it.
If the other mother can't sort her shit out enough to tell people where and when her kid's party is, it's not your fault if you make other plans and can't go! Your child will be fine either way!

I think it helps to have made a decision, Then you are not hanging around for other people. Decide DC can;t go as you have other plans. If it turns out you cam squeeze the party in, go. You can be as undecided as the mum. You don;t have to say for certain.

@ImAvingOops and @goldfinchonthelawn thank you both! It’s really difficult as I know the kids will talk about it on Monday when they go to school so my Dc I’m worried will feel left out. I just have so much going on and it’s frustrating. Thank you, you’re right I’m gonna cancel it and stick to our weekend plans

It is rude to not get a reply. So I'd carry along with your plans unless the party is actually convenient.
If it clashes. ' Sorry df, I wish you'd replied earlier, we already have plans for x o'clock. Hope x has a good time'

I think some people like messing you about, take control

So what if she's in a mood. You've asked, she's ignored you. When she finally gives you the date and it clashes, you tell her it's too late notice to juggle your weekend now and hope the bairn has a lovely time.

Sort your boundary out.

Have you heard the expression, "a coward dies a thousand before their death"? You're worried about the mum being annoyed, DS being sad, changing plans... You're living all these issues and most of then won't happen. But you will have suffered through all of them anyway. And if they do happen, you will have to live them again anyway.

Try to meet things as they happen. Then you only have to live them once and only the ones which actually do happen. I know it's hard when you're anxious. I'm the other mum usually and my ADHD makes planning really difficult. I don't mean to annoy my friends, family and other mums!

But OP has already said she’s not responding to this.

Good post and on the money.

You need to be less available.

You are far too available and your text is too open ended.

Put a time limit on everything and then when that time passes there is no issue.

"Hi A, would X like to come here on Saturday? If you could let me know by Y time, no problem if it doesn't suit you?"

If they don't get back until after that time, just say another time.

When you are firm with your boundaries and stick to them, people get the message.

My children had expensive lessons and whilst there was some flexibility, only with notice.

I certainly wouldn't be paying for lessons simply because a parent didn't give a firm time.
We would simply politely decline.

Anyone taking 4 days to reply would simply be treated with a No thanks.

So any invitation you issue needs to ha e a reasonable time limit on it.

Any vague invitation you receive likewise needs a reasonable time sensitive firm time, otherwise it's a No thanks.

You have years of this ahead of you if you don't get a grip.

All 4 of my children had lovely primary classes of 30 children but they retained no more than 4 when they left.

My tolerance for flakiness gets less and less the older I get. I’ve drifted away from people who just can’t give a proper answer or make a firm plan. My time is as important as theirs, I’m not pissing about and wasting my weekend or incurring costs because they don’t value my time - which is what this person is doing.

I think there is an element of this. Once I issue an invitation to a child I didn't really know when DD1 was 6 and never got a reply. It was on a Sunday for the following friday.

Thursday night a 9pm she text me looking for my address?

I text back and told her as she hadn't replied I took it as as a know and my daughter had accepted an invitation on the Wednesday.
She then tried to guilt me that her daughter would be so upset.
I replied that's "such a pity you didn't confirm by text then"🙄.

People have busy lives, hanging around waiting for a simple yes or no is not on.
24 hours is the absolute max for a reply in my book.

If there was a possible conflict, a simple text letting the person know and will get back to them asap is basic manners.

Most people do this and the few that don't are to be avoided

How does that work when you’re trying to organise something with another person? It doesn’t work to just “go with the flow and decide what day you fancy doing something nearer the time” when it comes to childrens parties. Not if you want anyone to be able to come, anyway.

Thank you to a PP regarding the term flakiness - that’s exactly the word I was trying to find!

I think it is rude not replying. It’s like she has a busier and more important life than me! I don’t think it’s a big ask to be a limited more courteous of peoples time and actually tell them the details. I think my boundaries do need to be worked on. I need to start getting rid of people like this from my life. I need to be around people who value others time or mess them about. No way would I treat people like this.

I’ve got a friend like this, drives me insane. Takes days or sometimes weeks to answer messages even tho I can see she’s read them. And is always on Facebook so I know she has free time. I’m close to giving up with her now which is a shame as our kids are good friends. You’re right, it’s rude. We’re all busy.