People who were rejected by your parent

[Tutu184]

How do you cope?

I was rejected by my dad. Quick snapshot of my story. My dad was in my life until I was 5. My parents split up. He met a new woman. And they moved to another country together.

He sent me a letter when I was a teenager telling me that he didn't want to see me again. I couldn't believe it, I thought he couldn't possible mean it, and I wasted a lot of years in my twenties trying to get him to see me, writing letters to him, asking uncles to talk to him for me etc.

Eventually I decided to go over and see him once. This was scary as I wasn't sure what he would be like. I went over to his country by myself, went to his house and turned up at his door. It was so traumatic for me. I remember standing on the doorstep feeling scares. He was cold. When I went home, he sent me another letter saying that he didn't want to see me again.

I was devasted. And I wished I hadn't gone. It was so traumatic. After this time, I didn't try again. I said to myself - I can't do this anymore. It's too painful. I didn't try to see him again. And he died ten years later.

I know I'm not alone in being abandoned by a parent so I was wondering how other people who have been through it, got on with their own lives and had a happy life?

I feel like it has affected me so much, I am so unhappy. I am full of sadness and anger all the time. I feel emotionally very weak, like I have no energy. Its a big emotional trauma. I wake up and I feel exhausted and I think of it. "My father rejected me". I am not enjoying my life at all. I just can't seem to accept it. I don't know why.

It has wasted so much of my life. He is dead now and I'm still upset over it all. I can't seem to enjoy my own life at all. Or enjoy anything in life. I'm angry and sad every day. I wake up and the first thing I feel in the morning is really bad empotional pain. I have had a lot of therapy and it hasn't helped.

I know parents rejecting kids sadly happens a good bit in society. Not a lot, but a bit

I would love to talk to people who have been through same. How did you get over it.? How did you move forward in your own life. What helped you?
Thanks so much.

Hi Tutu. My father rejected me. Similar beginning to you, parents separated when I was about 3.
He was violent towards my DM, which I didn’t know about until I was in my twenties. I tried contacting him twice, when I was 13 then in my early 20’s, before I knew about the DV.

He never responded. He was an alcoholic, lived in hostels after he and mum split up then ended up in residential care in his maybe 50’s due to his health.

I knew where he was, used to pass him in the street but had no urge to speak to him. When he died I felt nothing. He was after all a stranger to me.

This has affected me though, and it’s a big focus on the current therapy I am having. It affects my attachments in relationships. It affects my self esteem, there’s a big part of me that feels not good enough.

The therapy is helping though, I also journal regularly to get things out.

It’s taken a long time to get to this point, I’m early 50’s.

Hi OP, I couldn't read this and not reply, even if I don't have a loved experience that matches yours.
What I can say is that your feelings around this are completely valid - and you show amazing strength of character by trying for so long to be a part of your father's life. From reading what you wrote it seems like not being part of your life is your father's failing, not yours.
It must be so hard always questioning what his motives were and never being able to get answers from him.
Have you considered speaking with a counsellor about your experience to reflect and heal from this wound? A wound which I must add was not of your making.
There is also a book called 'it didn't start with you ' which you might find helpful.

My dad has five kids by two women. I didn't speak to him for about 6 years from late teens, his choice more than mine. Then when I was about 22 he got in touch with me and was in my life, saw me married and have children then decided to stop talking to me because I invited his ex wife (my first step mother and mother to my younger siblings) to an event I was holding. That was 13 years ago. He hasn't spoken to me since. But he also doesn't talk to most of my siblings. He is terrible father.

I cope with it by knowing he is missing out on more than I am. I'm one man, he is missing out on a child and two grandchildren. His loss totally.

I read a lot of Wayne Dyer books. He writes spiritual books. He is very interesting man. I think I feel a bit of a connection to him as he had the same kind of father that I did. His dad abandoned him.

I was just reading an article that he wrote about his father. It's very good.

Wayne Dyer said that his dad abandoned him when he was a child. Wayne said that he spent most of his life being in a ball of anger and rage at his father, and that he drank alot. And his life was a mess. Eventually, he was in so much anger and pain, that he went to his father's grave to, (his words), piss on his father's grave.

When he was at the grave, he said that he finally felt a moment of peace, that he was able to see his dad as a troubled man , and that he was able to forgive his dad. After this, Wayne turned his life around and actually went on to be a very successful author.

Hopefully I get to that moment of peace. It's not my dad thats hurting me anymore. It is me not forgiving him, that is hurting me. I am going to work on forgiving him. I know it will set me free.

The article by Wayne dyer is here. It's an interesting read

hlwww.drwaynedyer.com/blog/my-greatest-teacher/

Hi - I have a childhood of rejection, abuse and neglect - but it DOES get better!
My Father sexually abused me and beat me, eventually throwing me out the house at 18, I had no money and nowhere to live.
My Mother knew about the abuse but used it in arguments with my Father rather than protect me.
He's dead, she's alive but dead to me obviously.
In my early 20s I made a conscious decision NOT to let it define me.
It's been a struggle at time, but I've had counselling and I've got through it.
You don't say if you have children, but I have one DD who is everything to me, and with whom I'm determined not to repeat my horrendous childhood.
You have to fight! Fight to have the good life you deserve, fight to let go of the selfish prick that sired you, fight to get the very most out of this one life we have.
And learn to appreciate friends, remaining family members, and this amazing world we live in.
Don't let one selfish cunt define the rest of your life - otherwise what a waste of life it will be!
Sending you lots and lots of love xxxxx

My "Mother" left me under the clock at Paddington Station (no smirking) when I was 7 and my father picked me up probably 5 minutes later but it seemed an eternity. I have not seen her since. When I was 50 I tracked her down and wrote her a friendly letter. The reply was do not contact me again you remind me of the worst time in my life. Sadly her daughter from 2nd marriage(well known on TV) also blanked me. Her loss !

Igetittotally. Thank you so much!

I'm going to try to dig down and fight. And see that my worth is not tied to him. We are our own people. I don't have children.

Mumof2many1943.

I was just reading what you wrote, my first thought was god that is so shocking and heartless of your mother You know, when I'm reading someone else's story , I can see how utterly cruel it is. It's utterly shocking that a parent can do that to their child.

And then I remembered the exact same thing happened to me. I got the same letter back saying - I don't want to know you.

I'm sorry that happened to you

Are you ok? What happened in your life? Could you share? Did you make a happy life for yourself?

You're so welcome x
I had my child late thirties and she's lovely.
However I've had a great life (up to) and beyond that point too.
I travelled a lot and lived abroad.
I met as many people as I could and made some amazing friends - some of whom are lifelong.
The feeling of "why can't I have a normal mum and dad" never leaves you, but you can and will come to terms with it xx

The thing is, what's hard to remember but crucial is, it says nothing about you and everything about him.

The fact it happened tells you he wasn't worth having as a dad. He had nothing you needed.

I still have my mum, but she's difficult. It's not a supportive, nurturing relationship in any way. It's just another problem I have to manage.
My dad was a lovely man, but chose to prioritise her all his life.

I'm so sorry you haven't had the dad you deserved. I hope you find a way to reconcile with it.

The thing is, what's hard to remember but crucial is, it says nothing about you and everything about him.

The fact it happened tells you he wasn't worth having as a dad. He had nothing you needed.

This. He was not able to bring anything of value to your life. Try and remind yourself of this when you feel low about things.

My father was wife and child beater. Hated him most of the time and felt rejected by him. Until I rejected him right back and openly told people he was just a sperm doner and didn’t deserve a lovely daughter like me, I became much happier. His loss not mine.

I can't relate to what you are going through. What I can tell you that I have a complete understanding of what you are going through. On January 16th of 2001 my wife and mother of my 3 children walked out the door. No good bye not a word. As I'm typing this I can still here my 2 daughters laughing and getting ready for school and my son talking to my mother. She got on a sail boat and headed for the keys. It was 2015 or 2016 before she bothered to try and make contact with MY kids. Anyway all I'm trying to say is that I have always been there for them. If you have that one someone who is willing to be there for you then please give them a chance. My oldest daughter is 35 and she is experiencing the same emotions that you are. Prayers for you and anyone else who is going through this turmoil.

I'm reading with interest. My ex-h has rejected our son. OW wanted rid and he chose her. I had our son because ex begged me to be a father, said it was all he'd ever wanted. He lasted 2 years before he had an affair and left. I'm now 53 with an autistic 11 year old and it's a struggle. I have sought counselling for my son, he has had a lot of that. I do my level best to be both parents. It's such a horrifically cruel thing to do to a child. My son self harms if he dwells on it. He no longer refers to ex as dad but by his name. He's so deeply scarred by it all. I worry so much of the impact on him as he grows. It's utterly unforgivable.

Thank you Tutu184. Fortunately after my lovely Dad married another woman who also was nasty, at 18 I escaped and moved to London and trained as a Paediatric Nurse. My life finally started, brilliant job, fantastic friends who am still in contact with I was so lucky. Have now been married many years gave birth to 3 DC's and we have adopted 8. I just can't cope with children being abandoned. This may be my "mother's" legacy. So yes it has affected me, some good some not good. I live in fear of offending people.......what am I scared of?
I am lucky I have fantastic DH, and have a good life. I think I regret contacting her it has left a nasty taste. Why did I try to make contact with my half sister, am curious as to what her mother told her about me, was I so awful?
PHEW this has been cathartic thankyou for reading.

I took some time and decided to add to my earlier post. My youngest daughter was involved in a horrific automobile accident in 2017. She died 3 times and is now ruined for life. I informed her mom through my oldest daughter. Now my daughter was in a coma for 29 days and in recovery for another 30 days. I'm not going to list what her injuries were because it would be easier for me to list what she didn't break. She asked me if her mom knew what happened to her when she could finally talk again and I said yes. She then asked me if she had been there or sent a card and I started to cry. She was 27 when this happened and she was 10 when her mom abandoned her. She looked me in the eye and said...She's been gone for 17 years do you honestly think that I care about her? I said at least one good thing came out of this...she did send me divorce papers (as my daughter was in the hospital). My daughter busted out laughing!!!! That was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. The point of this post is ment to show the difference of opinion and level of feelings that my daughters have toward their mom. The oldest just says let it be and my youngest has considered her dead and gone since 2006.