To be upset with in laws?

[NCforgoodreason001]

I've been with DH for a very long time. We have DC together and moved to live by his mum.

Before we moved MIL ended up homeless, she couldn't pay her bills and kept getting behind on the rent. She sofa surfed for a long time between houses.
Then she moved and got back on her feet. She got ahead of her rent, on her bills and seemed like she learnt a valuable lesson and her not paying her bills was a thing of the past.

The past year she's gotten really behind on her bills again, she's made DH her legal appointee for her money. And makes him deal with phone calls for everything saying she can't do them.
her landlord recently rang DH as she gave him his number and we find out she's behind on her rent by a lot. We sit down and get her to agree to a payment plan. She kept to it for a few months and then broke the plan. Qeue another phone call to DH from the landlord about the rent and arrears.

Then she had a bailiff turn up for a different household bill she's not paid. Sat down with her trying to make payment plans, and she was being very difficult saying she has no money to pay for anything even though they've said if she doesn't make a payment plan the bailiff will return. DH also thinks there's more bills she's very behind on and will end up with more bailiffs.

I don't know how to deal with this going forward it's like getting blood from a stone.
DH has had enough and says if she doesn't deal with it then it's tough if she looses everything as she can't expect to live life getting away with not paying. DH has a sibling who doesn't live near by, and I've said we should contact them about the situation but he's saying there's no point and MIL will be upset if we do this. What do we do?
I'm getting to the point where I've had enough of this, we can't and won't give her money towards the bills as in our eyes she's had money and chosen not to pay for them.

I'm just very frustrated as I feel like I'm babysitting a grown adult.
Moving is not a option currently due to where DC are in life (at important stage with school life.) but I find it's getting me down and I feel like im going to end up snapping at her if doesn't take responsibility for her actions.

Then you’ve offered all that you can. She’s staring ruin in the face and hoping someone will save her.

maybe get DH to write to her via email stating very clearly that you are very concerned but cannot help her unless she allows you access to her accounts and agrees to follow a financial plan. State you won’t be able to help financially but are willing to give her advice and planning support.

It sounds as if she has some extremely expensive hobby such as owning horses that she is prioritising above all else and can’t afford on her income. Nuts.

And yes, I would inform the other sibling. They have some responsibility too for keeping their mother housed. Again not a financial obligation but they should know at least.

Sounds like pure irresponsibility to me rather than lack of capacity. She’d rather piss her money up the wall on frivolities rather than pay her bills. I think you’re just going to have to take a step back and leave her to sort her own shit out. It’s not ‘letting my poor old mum sofa surf’. It’s not enabling a grown woman get away with dealing with any of the boring bits of life

I don't think he should have to as he had a family and life of his own. I don't think I would if there were no health issues causing this. We'd all love to spend more money than we earn but as adults we have to reign that feeling in or pay the consequences.

There's no space for her to move in. Which is why she had to sofa surf last time. DC can't share, and moving to a bigger house isn't a option as we can't afford to do that and she's aware of this. If anything we need to move to a ground floor bungalow eventually, not a bigger house.

Is there a clear reason for WHY she's doing this? And your post says inlawS, is there an FIL around?

I think you should get the other child involved, this shouldn't be falling to just the 2 of you to sort

If she wants to wipe the slate clean so to speak then depending on the level of debt a debt relief or bankruptcy order would work. However, unless she has assets creditors are unlikely to waste money making her bankrupt. I also don't know the implications re her tenancy or finding a new place going forward.

If she isn't prepared to do anything or allow you or your husband to help in some meaningful way then I'd step right back and have your husband not be her "appointed person" as he clearly doesn't have full visibility on her financial situation or any real authority to do anything.

I'd also be loath to stand as power of attorney for the same reason.

A couple of points about Power of Attorney. This has to be set up before someone loses capacity to make their own decisions. There are two types one for property and finance and one for health and welfare. It can only be set up with the person's consent, because they are giving permission for another person (or several people) to manage their finances/health decisions AFTER they no longer have capacity to make decisions for themselves.

If someone does not have capacity to make decisions in relation to finances and property or health and welfare, another person can make an application to the Court of Protection to become the person's deputy, which would give the deputy the legal power to make decisions in the best interests of the adult lacking capacity. This is a more intensive and costly process than POA.

Appointee is a process in place to help with the management of benefits THe Appointee can receive communication and payments on behalf of the claimant with a view that they will help them to manage the use of their benefits (e.g. help to pay bills, rent etc) it does not have the same legal force as POA or deputyship.

All this being said, it doesn't sound like your MIL has lost capacity to make financial decisions, but rather is making unwise decisions. It may still be useful to get a POA set up for a time when she does not have capacity, although you would need her agreement to do this.

Unlike health, the Finance LPA can be used as soon as it is registered, ie before the donor loses capacity. (www.lawsociety.org.uk/en/topics/private-client/lasting-powers-of-attorney-guide ). I have it for my mum, as she is losing her sight and cannot deal with documentation, so I deal with the banks and utilities on her behalf. As she has capacity, I inform and discuss everything with her first, but then I have permission to make it happen once she makes a decision. Her bank were really helpful and I've got a card and full access to her account.

Having said that, I would not think it is suitable for this situation, as it appears that your MIL has something going on with her - whether a mental health issue or personality. LPA is not for the Attorney to stop the donor from making stupid decisions if they are otherwise mentally capable.

It sounds like you and your DH need to decide your boundaries and stick to them. Yes to informing your DH's sibling unless there are other family dynamics at play that would cause further problems.

I know someone in a similar situation and bailed out their problem relative to the point that they now manage their budget and bank accounts for rent and bills and my friend gives them a pre-paid top up card for their daily spends. It's a LOT of work and grief for them, as the underlying problems are still there and the relative blows through their weekly spends in a day and then cries they don't have enough money for food (they did, they just spent it unwisely).

I have a dd with severe autism, she is 26 and is in supported living.
I am her appointee from DWP to manage her benefit money.
I leave her bank card with the care home staff to do her shopping etc.
Today when they were hiring bolt taxi for her, the payment was blocked by the lloydsbank system and I had a fraud alert message on my phone registered with them, I couldn't reply in time " yes it's me" and her account blocked temporarily, they now asking to bring a COP but I only have appointee letter from DWP which they accepted at the time of opening the account however they now ask for COP.
I do not want to apply for COP unless its need by law as it has a fee and annual fee and annual reporting etc
The government site says
"You do not need to be a deputy if you’re just looking after someone’s benefits"
Why do we need to have COP if that's what government says?

My daughter has no language and severely autistic, she can't speak to bank.

What is the best solution?
How you all parent do this?
Any other solution to deal with a bank account if you are parent of a disabled person.

My other 2 children are also autistic but are under 15 and I will have thus problem in future.

Please advise

TIA

From you saying she has other bills she manages and pays just fine this sounds like it’s fairly simply a matter of her wanting a lifestyle she can’t actually afford? (I don’t think it makes much difference if it’s an addiction or a less socially undesirable activity).

If she just isn’t rational in her decision making or there are MH issues (bi-polar, for instance can sometimes land some people in hot water over bills if they ignore them in a down phase or over commit in a manic phase), then talking with her and whoever helps her manage her condition might help. There are also support groups for family.

It needs patience and a degree of detachment - an acceptance that things might keep going wrong from time to time and you just need to help her make the best of it she can, not give her what you have to save her from herself. But you (DH) can certainly make her life better than it would otherwise be without harming your own.

Sorry. Didn’t realise this was an old thread.

@MemSahb You need to start your own thread to get response to your issue.

If you’re in a web browser go to this page: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable
and click the button near the top that says “Start New Thread”

If you’re in the app on your phone, get to the AIBU forum and look in the menu for the starting new thread option.

@MemSahb Is the bank account your daughter has in her or you name? If it is in her name, it may become complicated as she does not have capacity to understand the account ( from your description). If it is yours, currently you don't have anything in place to be able to do this. You can act as appointee with DWP, but this does give you any rights to manage finances on a day to day basis. This has changed over the last few years, with COP being used more extensively to fill the gaps in how money is managed for people with capacity. Your best bet is to go down the COP route, but you are going to need to move quite quickly to resolve the banking issue.

*Without capacity

No, she is basically not able to do anything fir herself, her bills, I pay for her from her online account.

But she isn't managing. Your DH merely handles the results. She is acting like a teenager who buys things she wants knowing

she doesn't have enough money to provide for her needs. He needs to tell her he is taking over her finances completely or else he's done. It's not fair to you if he doesn't.