Cheated on again. Why not dump.

[Whywontshedumphim]

So someone has been with a guy for 17 months. I know of them both.

She asked as they were getting together and was told about his cheating history by a mutual friend in relationships. Ignored. Obviously thought she could change him. She became aware of who his OW was and should have been more questioning. Basically moved him.

Last summer she found out he had been seeing his OW for 3 months. The OW later gave her enough info that she should have ran to the hills. Not least because of how he had treated her but of what he did to OW too. She didn’t and forgave. Don’t think she told any friends. OW told a mutual friend. Wouldn’t discuss it at all.

He reconnected with the OW after months of no contact. Pushed pushed pushed Full on affair resumed. Six months. Again OW told her finally.
Again despite more info than possible to deny she still won’t dump. OW says she told her so she didn’t waste her life blinded by a cheat but also that he would hate her and fuck off/not start it again.

The OW needs to keep away from him. There are reasons thats don’t justify her actions but explain them. He really is toxic. OW isn’t a bad person but totally trauma bonded to this man. I’m friends with OW.

I don’t believe girlfriend has told a soul. All seems to be back on track. Like how?! That man gets away with it always. The OW isn’t the only woman iykwim. He is not even anything special. A total failure if you look at where he should be in life. I hate this man btw cos of how badly he’s used my friend over the years even when she’s not been shagging him. She literally gave him everything and he uses and uses.

Basically moved him in within weeks.

Nothing you can say or do will make her change her mind unfortunately. She'll get there in her own time although may will take a long long time. I have a friend in the exact same situation. Low self esteem, lonely etc. A real shame they don't see what loosers these men are.

@roses2 sorry to hear you have a friend in similar situation. These people are in their early 40s so not young. It’s so frustrating.

I just want my friend alive and away from him. I’m so angry with him.

I want to tell her best friends. Except she’s not even close to them anymore. She was single for years and so lonely. Even her young adult daughter is leaving soon. I feel sorry for this woman. My friend isn’t innocent either but neither deserve his constant lies and cheating.

It's not your business or your information to share. She won't thank you for telling people.

Not your circus
but it would drive me mad and I would be inwardly raging

I know that really. But thinking more these friends might keep an eye. He’s quite abusive.

I want to punch him tbh. Obviously I never would. Never have I felt such a rage towards a man. I’m not a rage type person!!

Probably raging more as I saw them out together in the distance whilst knowing my friend is trying to move on and is back on medication

Any other perspectives? My friend is struggling today with what was the point of telling her.

Your friend can't change anyone else, not the man in question not his current girlfriend, only herself and her own reactions to things. His girlfriend's happiness isn't her concern, she needs to focus on herself and starting to repair the damage caused by this toxic situation.

I'm all for telling the truth, but your friend did it really to hurt him (completely understandable) and in the hope that broke up. She's given the information with expectations around other people's reactions/behaviours and they haven't behaved the way she thought, leaving her feeling frustrated and angry.

There is some CBT work around a concept called change, accept, let go that she might find helpful.

@RewildingAmbridge thank you. I think you are right about hurting him. Except I don’t think it’s even possible!

She flits between relieved hurt angry and disappointed she did it. This man has been in her life for too long. She has a lot of work to do on herself.

I’d ask her why she is allowing this behaviour x

My friend or the girlfriend?!

I asked my friend so many times. She was totally in love with him. He tapped into all her vulnerabilities. She used to be so strong.

The girlfriend has always been cheated on. Seems to have low self esteem. Never an unfiltered photo. It’s sad.

Why did your friend tell his gf?
Why does your friend think "what was the point of telling her"?
What does your friend think will happen if his gf dumps him?
I'll tell you what wont happen. He wont run to your friend and want to be in a relationship with her.

I meant your friend. For me, she isn’t ‘totally in love with him’ because he’s not very nice to her. Maybe she is lonely or likes the idea of being in a relationship so much that anyone will do, whether they treat her like shit or not.

If she is on Facebook / Instagram get her to follow Matthew Hussey. He is brilliant! Going to see if I can link something relevant from him for you now!

I love this one from Matthew Hussey, maybe it’ll help 🤞🏼m.youtube.com/watch?v=w8JopEnIuEQ

Yabu. It's out in the open, two women with no sense arguing over a loser. They both need to wise up. If course he'll carry on behaving that way of he gets away with it. To get respect you need to respect yourself and earn it.

@TeddybearBaby thank you. I’ve passed that on to her. He used to be very nice to her hence the being in love with him. In recent years he’s been horrendous. She needs to realise that man isn’t coming back. It was an act to get her hooked. Just like it is current girlfriend. Then he cheats, devalues and discredits. He’s not a nice person

Well your own friend is best placed to tell you what makes the man so desirable women overlook his behaviour isn't she, as her behaviour is much more concerning than that of the primary partner.
The primary partner probably has history and ties, maybe financially dependent. What's your friends motivation for being so besotted with an attached lying cheating man she knowingly let him exploit and use her twice, then made a desperate bid to win him/get revenge on him by sharing all the details with his partner? (She absolutely did not do this to help his primary partner by the way, if you believe that you are very naive.)
If I were you I'd leave this unfortunate woman alone. Her reasons are none of your business. Focus on your friend, who sounds very unhealthy, and try to move her away from her obsession with this couple.

I feel his character is irrelevant because if she didn’t allow his behaviour it wouldn’t be able to effect her. I think her main focus should be figuring out WHY she allows it. If she can afford it, counselling would really help her to explore these feelings, she’ll find a safe space where she won’t be judged!

And just to add you might want to think about having some boundaries around this situation so you’re not feeling too overwhelmed by it. It’s important to look after yourself.