To be annoyed with DS's friend?

[Custardgooseberry]

DS is in Year 9 - he has ASD and goes to a specialist school. The school is for many different types of neurodiversity. He had a friend over a few weeks ago. His friend has dyslexia - no social communication challenges as far as I am aware. I thought it all went well - they spent most of the time in DS's room, went outside for a bit and watched some TV. DS had said that his friend was shy and I know it can probably feel a bit daunting joining in with a family meal if you don't know anyone, so I gave them the option of eating in a different room. They both seemed really undecided so in the end I said why don't they eat at the table with the rest of the family.

Dinner was fine, DS's friend seemed to enjoy the meal. He was very quiet, and DS and my other DC were also being very quiet for some reason. DH and I carried the conversation, I asked DS's friend a few questions about things I knew interested him (my DS had told me about them) and then just had a bit of a general conversation with DH, but there was no pressure for anyone to join in. When the boys had finished they got down and went to DS's room again.

This was a few weeks ago, and I have only just found out that DS's friend was really bad mouthing me and taking the piss out of me the following day at school. Saying I was really weird, interrogating him with questions and said that I seemed Autistic as I just kept talking. This was all in front of DS's group of friends and DS felt so embarrassed, upset and angry. He's only just opened up to me about it. I feel really annoyed with this friend. Surely it's really rude to badmouth your friend's parents, even if you do think they are strange?!

We were very happy for him to come round, welcoming etc and I certainly didn't put any pressure on him to do anything. If I hadn't carried the conversation at the dinner table everyone would have been sitting in silence! We have had loads of the DCs friends round in the past and no one has ever complained before, in fact a lot of their parents have said that they really enjoy coming round here. I asked DH and he seemed puzzled and said that he and I were both talking normally and I didn't seem over the top or anything.

I have even thought that I might mention it to his parents if I ever see them at a school event. I know I'm probably overthinking it and I shouldn't take too must notice of what a 13 year old boy says, but it has really annoyed me!

Yes he is rude and I wouldn't bother inviting him around again. I would have done exactly the same. I tend to build up a little conversation to make them feel welcome and that I'm interested. If your child agrees that you were not over the top then i would just leave it and hope there friendship fizzles out. I wouldn't want my child spending time with such a rude child when they have been fed and welcomed to my home and humiliate my child.

Could it be he's not used to friendly chatty mealtimes because he doesn't get them at home? He shouldn't be bad mouthing though.

Thanks for the replies. Good to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this behaviour is rude! I think it showed DS another side of his friend too. Maybe a lot of teens think the parents of their friends are a bit strange, but it's another thing to say it to their friend!

The friend's behaviour was rude and I wouldn't be inviting him into the house again.

Rude and shouldn't be invited again, but please don't mention it to his parents. At this age, it'll just make things worse for your DS and there is nothing to be gained. They won't want to believe it and will be defensive. He'll tell them it's not true, or an exaggeration, or that he was just 'telling the truth.' Without knowing his diagnosis, it could be possible that he has C&I difficulties that make him speak bluntly too.

I'd leave it. It says more about his friend than you

That is really rude of him. I do think generally it’s better to do something low key like a pizza or similar for DCs friends, I’m not for a moment saying you were but I can see how this could come over as an interrogation.

My sons girlfriend did this! But I overheard the lot. Shot herself clean in the foot. She comes over still but they go straight in his room and I don’t bother offering her dinner anymore because she never once said thank you either, just a mouthful of bitching. I think it’s a good lesson to learn tbh, they’re old enough to not be dicks. I wasn’t the best teenager but I wasn't like this! I’d kill my son if he treat his girlfriends parents like that!

The friend was very rude and I wouldn't have them round again but whenever mine have friends over, I leave them to eat alone (either in bedroom which wouldn't normally be allowed or downstairs and I'm in another room although I may pop in and out).

Thanks for the responses.

I'm not planning to invite this particular friend round again, but with any other friends that come round in the future I will probably take the advice of PPs and just offer them pizza in a separate room. It's different with with some of DS's old friends from primary school, we've known them for years and they seem to like a chat at the table, but I can see how for someone who doesn't know the family it could feel a bit uncomfortable.

Could it be he's not used to friendly chatty mealtimes because he doesn't get them at home? He shouldn't be bad mouthing though

^This. I'm not defending his rudeness, he should have kept his opinions to himself, but it's easy to forget that sitting around the dinner table having a civilised conversation with your family is not the norm for all kids at all, and they might indeed find it really weird.

What a rude little shit.

I hope when he asks why he’s not invited again that DS tells him why.

Hang on, you still allow her into your home??? Wow. I'd have kicked her out immediately and banned her from ever returning

Nothing wrong with you but he couldn't handle it.

Did you have some background music on while eating. This is good as always takes the edge of.