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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boundary guilt

26 replies

SillySausage25 · 02/07/2022 00:04

AIBU??
DM is 80 and lives alone. She manages well but is still recovering from neurosurgery she had on her spine 1 year ago. She has lost some feeling in her hands and drops things etc. She often burns her hands and friction can lead to sores. She does not help herself and refuses to use any aids. She wants to just carry on as she did before and no amount of telling her makes any difference.

My DM and I moved house a year ago and the house needs a lot of work. We are spending most of our spare time renovating it whilst trying to juggle full time work and an 12 year old. DM is in a council house nearby and my only DB lives miles away.

So that's the background. A few weeks ago DM announced at a family gathering that she wanted her house decorating and she would be asking me.to.do it in the school summer holidays as I am.off.work. I told her that it was not possible at the moment but as soon as we had got our house in order, I would help. She was upset by my comment and kept mentioning it. Fast forward to now. My brother told her he would come in August to decorate for her. He has also just moved house but he doesn't work and has no children. DM has been a little aloof recently and I went to to her house tonight. She has started decorating her lounge and she has taken the fireplace out, sanded anything, painted the ceiling. She kept telling me her hands were.sore and that she was bleeding and it all got on the walls and her back was killing her. I asked why she couldn't wait but she said she wanted it doing now. I asked if she could get a decorator but she doesn't want anyone she doesn't know in the house. Also, she only gets a state pension and she keeps saying she can't afford the gas and electricity rise but she has bought paint and is talking about a new carpet and furniture which she can't afford.

I left her house very upset. I really can't commit to decorating her 3 bedroom semi at the moment. Doing our house is physically and mentally taking its toll on my and my DH and we are not so young ourselves. I just feel that she feels left out because me and my DB are doing up our homes so she needs to do hers too but it wasn't in a bad state.at all and this is really bad timing. She will not wait and I felt torn when I saw her hands and she was showing me the blood stains on the walls where she had caught her hands. I feel like she is guilt tripping me. Should I stick to my guns? I don't see how I have any other choice.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 02/07/2022 00:07

She is being ridiculous. Keep talking, let your brother do a shift. You can help but not RIGHT NOW. I don’t think that’s being unreasonable.

Kite22 · 02/07/2022 00:13

Of course YANBU.
She is trying to emotionally blackmail you, and you know the more you give in to that, the more she will use it as a tool.
Just repeat and repeat - You work FT and you have your own house that actually needs doing, unlike hers which didn't PLUS her ds has already said he will come and do it NEXT MONTH - it's not like he has vaguely said "next year". I would literally ask her to stop trying to emotionally blackmail you as you are not going to drop everything to sort this out when there was no reason for her to start in the first place.

Lineala · 02/07/2022 00:17

Honestly, I would put mine to one side for a week and help her out during the holidays. Sometimes giving time and effort is a positive lovely thing to do for an elderly person.

noenergy · 02/07/2022 00:21

Lineala · 02/07/2022 00:17

Honestly, I would put mine to one side for a week and help her out during the holidays. Sometimes giving time and effort is a positive lovely thing to do for an elderly person.

I agree

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/07/2022 00:22

Op - you have a 12 year old. Which means ten years ago you had a toddler. What did you do when your toddler wanted ice cream before dinner and when you,said no he threw himself on the floor and screamed and screamed?

T his is the same thing. You never give in to the tantrum or they learn that tantrums work.

TheFlis12345 · 02/07/2022 00:22

She doesn’t NEED her house decorating, it’s not something urgent like dangerous plumbing or electrics. Ignore the emotional blackmail, it really can wait and she needs to stop being so entitled.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 02/07/2022 00:23

I am sticking by what I feel is right but also what I honestly know I can manage. So far our home has been replastered, new floors as others had rot and we have just discovered a leaking roof. It's a big job and I do not have the capacity to take on more work. My DH has gone mad tonight saying she is selfish and she should know that we can't manage both properties. He said she was trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants and I think he.is.right. I am trying hard not to give in to her. I think she shows me her sore hands and the.blood etc to get me to give into her wants. I wondered if I should talk to my DB about it? We aren't particularly close as he.lives so far away but I feel I.need to explain why I.am not helping. I think she is making me feel guilty. She often does the.guilt tripping thing.

OP posts:
MarmiteCoriander · 02/07/2022 00:25

Do you think she might be aware of her failing health and trying to 'do up' the house for a near future sale?

The way your DM announced this to family would have infuriated me no end. And on those grounds alone would have said no. If she had asked privately beforehand, I'm sure you and DB would have worked something out. Aug is only next month! I certainly wouldn't be changing my own plans and jumping, as this sounds very manipulative.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 02/07/2022 00:32

@Lineala I have considered this but she wants it all decorating and that's going to take longer than 1 week. My DH is working in the holidays so my DD will have to come with me. Also, we haven't spent any time together because of everything that's gone wrong with our house and so, selfishly, I want to use some of the holiday time to do somethings with my DD. I don't get the full 6 weeks off work either.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySausage25 · 02/07/2022 00:36

@Marmitecoriander no its not for that reason. Knowing my DM I think its a bit of jealousy. She wants what others have and I think she wants her house doing up because that's what me and my DB are doing. I also think she likes getting her own way.

OP posts:
Lineala · 02/07/2022 02:32

Would a compromise work? Help her to finish the room she started? It's really tough getting to the stage where you want to do something but can't. Could your dd help?

NumberTheory · 02/07/2022 04:15

If she is still mentally competent YANBU to stick to your guns and would be being really disrespectful to your DP to postpone work on your joint house in order to pander to your DM’s manipulation.

Let her get on with it. It’s her choice. The wonder and curse of autonomy is that she gets to choose if she wants to continue doing things or not. It isn’t that she gets to direct you to do things for her.

Vikinga · 02/07/2022 04:45

Let her get on with it, or hour brother can come and do it now since he doesn't work.

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 02/07/2022 08:09

She is more than mentally competent to make her own decisions and no amount of me trying to reason with her will help. She does what she wants to do. I could look for a compromise but I feel like I have done this already. The compromise being that I will come and do the whole house with bells on but let me finish my mess of a home first. DM has in the past been very manipulating and selfish and at times these narcissistic tendencies have been so difficult to deal with. However, I love her and I have always made sure she is okay and I have always been there when she really needs someone. DM is a very capable lady but I know that the loss of feeling in her hands frustrates her as it would anyone. I know that if down tools in my home and start her house that I am feeding into her tendencies and I feel I need to set clear and firm boundaries. She does this a lot. Anyway, I really truly can't manage her decorating at the moment. I don't think she cares about how I am feeling, the fact that I have cried a river of tears about this house we bought and how I wish we hadn't at times. I have not slept last night as its all on my mind.

OP posts:
pimlicoanna · 02/07/2022 08:57

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I'd ignore it

Pinkdelight3 · 02/07/2022 09:12

Absolutely stick to your guns. From the off, announcing it in front of others, she was being manipulative and entitled. Your time off work is time you need at a very busy point in your life. She can get her house decorated any time and your DB has already said he'll do it very soon. Her pushing for you to do it sooner is not about the decorating, it's about control. Compromising or giving in at all will show her that her methods work and that's not on. This isn't about giving up a week to help a dear old lady in need and getting warm feelings as a reward. This is endorsing her frankly quite fucked up behaviour (showing you her blood, refusing to compromise or understand your side at all) so well done for setting out your boundaries and don't let them be worn down.

SirChenjins · 02/07/2022 09:20

No, YANBU. I’m guessing you’re in your fifties (or very late forties) and it’s exhausting trying to deal with work, raising children and house renovation - far more than it was in ou 20s and 30s. Even if we put your age to one side, she’s using emotional blackmail to try and get what she wants, and while I do understand it’s frustrating not to be able to do the things you once did exactly when you want to, that’s life - she can’t expect everyone to drop what they’re doing, esp as your brother has already given her a firm commitment that he’ll help in a few weeks time. Stand your ground! As a pp said, you didn’t dance to the tune of a toddler, don’t feel guilty about this either.

ManateeFair · 02/07/2022 09:27

Lineala · 02/07/2022 00:17

Honestly, I would put mine to one side for a week and help her out during the holidays. Sometimes giving time and effort is a positive lovely thing to do for an elderly person.

She wants an entire house decorating, and she wants it done immediately. It doesn’t need doing immediately. She has just decided that’s what she wants and that she won’t pay for it (she could get a decorator in, she just chooses not to because it’s a stranger).

This isn’t an old lady in need of help. It’s an old lady making massive selfish demands that will dominate someone else’s only time off work.

CecilyP · 02/07/2022 09:28

noenergy · 02/07/2022 00:21

I agree

Show quote history

No I disagree. It was not an essential repair, it was decorating that didn’t need doing. OP has other commitments and can’t do it. Her brother has offered to do it in a few weeks. Her mother’s behaviour is emotional blackmail and should not be given in to.

Provenceinthesummer · 02/07/2022 09:29

Of course you can’t just pause your life and work because she has decided she can’t wait!

I would say that’s nice Mum and leave her to it. Bloody hell, the blood smearing is a bit much!!

she sounds very manipulative- stand your ground

ManateeFair · 02/07/2022 09:31

Lineala · 02/07/2022 02:32

Would a compromise work? Help her to finish the room she started? It's really tough getting to the stage where you want to do something but can't. Could your dd help?

The compromise was waiting a month so her son could come and do it in August. She decided that wasn’t good enough.

Being 80 doesn’t give you a free pass to treat your family like shit. If you’re asking someone to give up weeks of their lives to decorate your whole house entirely on a whim, you don’t get to insist that they do it to your exact timescale.

CecilyP · 02/07/2022 10:01

Knowing my DM I think its a bit of jealousy. She wants what others have and I think she wants her house doing up because that's what me and my DB are doing. I also think she likes getting her own way.

DM is a very capable lady but I know that the loss of feeling in her hands frustrates her as it would anyone.

These 2 statements say a lot. Her operation was a year ago which suggests that a couple of years ago, it wouldn’t have been too difficult to decorate herself. But she wants to decorate NOW when the 2 people who could help are busy with there own decorating. And she wants her whole house done at once! Really, who does that?

Out of interest OP, when we’re her rooms last decorated?

CecilyP · 02/07/2022 10:06

and so, selfishly, I want to use some of the holiday time to do somethings with my DD.

Nothing selfish about it! As a working mum your time with her is limited. Of course you want to have some fun with her!

Original poster
SillySausage25 · 02/07/2022 11:45

Thanks for the replies.
I am in my late 40's and doing our house has nearly killed us!
I don't know when her house was last decorated. It all looks okay to me and there is nothing urgent that needs doing. She is in a council house so all her repairs are covered.
When she announced that she wanted me to decorate over the holidays and I said that wasn't possible, she moaned about it all the way home in the car to my DH. She couldn't believe I had said no!
She also sent me pictures of her sore fingers the other day. She does this a lot.
I was so shocked when I went to her house yesterday and saw the lounge, which is a decent size. She has taken out the wooden fireplace and tiled hearth and it was fine. She didn't like it anymore apparently. She wanted to borrow a Stanley knife to rip up her, very decent albeit old carpet. She is replacing it with a £130 felt backed one. There is no way she could rip up a carpet. She doesn't have normal sensation in her hands as the nerves are still healing from being released from her spinal cord.
She is going to make herself so poorly. I do get so tired of this game she plays.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 02/07/2022 12:16

Do not help her!
If you have to, stop visiting & answering the phone to her.
Being "elderly," doesn't give anyone the right to manipulate others.

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