Is he just being friendly?

[TibetanTerrah]

Recently I met my upstairs neighbour for the first time, even though he's been here 4 years and I moved in 6 months later. We got chatting and swapped numbers, dressed up as being good neighbours.

I also offered to lend him a microphone I have at my DMs, when I used to dabble in singing and he plays guitar. He accepted, then invited me to his for beers and he could play some of his stuff. Despite being an ex musician, honestly I can think of nothing more dull.

The thing is, I clocked from what he said that he's probably lonely, and socially awkward. If I go to his flat, I can well believe he could attempt to kiss me, not in a creepy pervy way, more like am awkward teenager. But then I feel mean for saying that and it wouldn't cross my mind if he was female.

And he keeps texting me. Every couple of days. Its kind of... strained? Like he's really shy and it's an effort for him but he's trying.

I see no reason to be more than friendly, rather than friends. And if he does want more and I knock him back, it's going to be so awkward, don't shit where you eat as they say.

I've been at my DMs for weeks having my bathroom redone and then catsitting when DM went on holiday. And he keeps texting me asking when I'll be back, looking forward to beers etc.

Am I reading too much into it?

I dunno. Hard to tell if you’re also as awkward as this is easy to say no to right?

He sounds quite persistent but I think you should trust your instincts if you think he is more of an awkward loner rather than something more sinister. I agree about listening to someone else's music being beyond dull!

Could you meet out somewhere for a beer rather than his flat? And have a time limit of some sort so it doesn't need to drag on.

You might have to be quite blunt and tell him you want to just be friends if you get the vibe that he thinks it is going to turn into something more. You don't need to be nasty, but clearly set out your boundaries.

Yeah he hasn't got a creepy vibe at all. He was good friends with next door before he left and they used to hang out, so maybe he just wants the same from me, which would be fine.

I just think I wouldn't go to the flat of a man I just met, it's like some men would interpret that as open to sex.

I am seeing someone, maybe I could drop the mic off tomorrow and mention the date I have. Then we both know where we stand.

So don;t go to his flat. Just text back and say, yes lets go for beer at X ub on their live music/open mike night and I dare you to pertform.' Or something like that. No harm in making friends withg neighbours especially if you have music in common but don't go to his flat if you feel uncomfortable, and if he asks, say so. It should be fine for a woman to say, ' No offense but I would never put myself in the position of being alone in the flat of a man I hardly know, however sane and safe he appears. I'm sure you understand that.'

it wouldn't cross my mind if he was female.

Obviously not? It's a different situation
Trust your instincts

Well within your rights to not be buddy-buddy with anyone and to put boundaries in place with a neighbour.

A simple "Ah no, thank you, but I've got plans. Enjoy though!" Done. And don't answer any messages you don't want to.

Meant to add - you've lasted nearly 4 years not being friends, no reason you have to start now.

You haven't said anywhere whether you actually like him or dislike him and would like to be friends or would prefer you’d never spoken — your post is all about his intentions and feelings! I think his feelings are irrelevant, likewise it’s irrelevant whether you think his boundaries and judgement are poor enough to kiss a neighbour he’s had one chat with because he’s ‘a creep’ OR because he’s ‘like an awkward teenager’ — either way, you have an unwanted, unsolicited sexual approach/assault from a man you don’t know.

I wouldn’t be going to his flat if you think this, and if you only want a distant neighbourly relationship, I’d make that quite clear, and stop worrying about his feelings. The persistent texts would bother me because of his proximity. You don’t owe anyone, ‘loner’ or otherwise, your time.

I'd text back 8n a friendly way - just saying you're busy helping your mum out, seeing your boyfriend etc and don't have many spare evenings. That way he finds out you're seeing someone.

It sounds like he either wants to be your boyfriend or is a really needy friend. I don’t think either option is great?

Agree with this, and for that reason I think it best to keep my distance as I'm 50/50 which it is. And if he develops a crush I don't want to hurt his feelings or it be awkward. I'm not worried about him getting nasty but as I say, don't shit where you eat and best not to go there at all.

I don't think men and women can't be friends by the way, or that every male instantly fancies me, I just get a vibe that he's lonely and doesn't get much female attention.

Update. So I was right.

He texted me again today asking if I was having a nice weekend, and I replied roughly the following:

yes thanks blah blah btw I popped home yday as had a date and tried to bring the microphone with me, but mum has packed it away, separate from its lead, which is in a box of leads now which all look the same. couldn't face tackling spaghetti junction as i was running late but I'll sort it next time I'm back, I didn't realise.

He said "thats fine no worries."

Then "how was your date?"

I didn't open either but saw them on my screen

"Then 20mins later says, I was thinking about asking you out on a date, but it doesn't seem appropriate now."

Fucksake.

He's opened the door for you to be honest in response and say you feel uncomfortable continuing this and are v happy with your bf

Well, at least that simplifies things. Just say ‘Sorry, I’m seeing someone and even if I weren’t, I wouldn’t date an immediate neighbour. See you around at some point.’

"Thank you, but I prefer up stay as friendly neighbours."

What I usually did in these situations (back in single days) was ask the man out in a bigger group. They get to make some new friends, I get to see them with no risk of anything being misconstrued etc.

Yes it's actually a good things he's made his feelings clear. Now you know. Even if you've only just started seeing the other man I'd tell your neighbour "Sorry I'm with someone."

I thought about the best approach for a response. My friend made a good point that mentioning we're neighbours is a bad idea; it puts the idea in his head that if that weren't the case then I would date him and gives him false hope because I wouldn't.

In the end I went with "oh yes, we've been seeing each other for a while "

He then came back with he's embarrassed now forget he said anything and I just said it's fine.

Thinking about it, it was him that made it awkward. He could have left it as 'how was your date' and when I said great thanks he could have taken his cue to back off. As it was he threw his hat in the ring anyway and had to get rejected. Idiot.

I think he just mentioned it in the hope you'd say "Oh it's nothing serious. I'd love to go on a date with you!". We'll done, he's got the message now.

Well done, and goes to show your instinct that he was after more than you was spot on.

I don't see how that is bad or creepy in any way. A man meets a woman he likes, finds they have something in common and is a bit shy about directly asking her out so suggests a drink as mates. Then when she says she has a date, he admits he was interested too, on the slight off chance she might be and would bear it in mind if she is single again. Nothing creepy about that. What is a shy man supposed to do? I think that's fairly normal behaviour. It would be creepy if he now pestered you. But his behaviour so far is just a bit awkward, and it;s always awkward if one person is interested and the other isn't.

I have never ever used the word creepy about him @goldfinchonthelawn he's harmless, and perfectly nice. I just don't want to date him and don't want awkwardness when we pass in the hall ok? At the start of the thread I didn't even know if he wanted a date by hanging out or I was overthinking and he just wanted to be friends.

He's not and never has given me a creepy vibe and I said that multiple times in the thread.

Not much of an issue tbh and feels resolved now. Stop texting him back though as it will only encourage him.

No but you are making a drama out of something so normal. Ending your previous post "Fucksake" as though it is totally out of order that any man you dont find attractive should dare to approach you.

His behaviour is no big deal.

@goldfinchonthelawn you've completely misread me. I asked for advice on how to handle this without awkwardness IF indeed he fancied me. I didn't even know at that point.

The fucksake was "argh now I have to handle this exactly right so I don't hurt his feelings and its not awkward". It wasn't dramatic. It was exasperation. My instincts were right, he made it awkward stating his feelings when he knows I'm dating, and the fucksake was now its my job to make it UNawkward again because of him. OK?

I want pleasant friendly relations all round. Not an unrequited crush giving me puppy eyes when we pass in the hall, and not hostility. It's delicate.