What does a good, happy marriage look like?

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I grew up in a very strict religious household and was never allowed to date. I finally broke free and began to date in my 20s. I ended up marrying the first man I had a relationship with. I had other “dates” but I was always afraid to go forward past the 2nd date or so. The man I married took things more slowly and shared aspects of my values which made me comfortable. But I have nothing to compare our relationship with. He is literally the only man I have ever kissed or been with sexually.

i have a feeling we don’t have a happy marriage. I have nothing to compare it to by experience. He feels my expectations are unrealistic. But I believe we lack connection. Our parents set horrible examples of women who stayed with men who treated them badly no matter what due to their religious belief in not getting divorced. I do believe in divorce and have told him I won’t stick around with bad treatment, but I also don’t take divorce lightly. We have three children to think about.

our marriage has gotten gradually better over the years, but it looks so much different from what I wanted or imagined. In the early years, there were very few happy memories. He criticised me non-stop and even shoved me once in public. I told him I would call the police if he ever did that again. He was always trying to start arguments with me and I was always trying to walk on eggshells and keep the peace. I finally realised that being a “submissive” wife the way I was taught was a part of the problem. I started standing up to him and telling him I would not tolerate the abusive criticism. Things got better. I got him to come to therapy and he started taking ownership of his attitude and treating me better.

Still, I don’t feel we have a great connection. I tell him I need him to be interested in me as a person. I need him to ask about my day or listen when I talk about my dreams. He only talks about himself. He loses focus when I talk. He says goodbye to the kids in the morning and forgets to say goodbye to me. I have to remind him that I’m here, basically. He is trying but I feel that it’s pathetic. He doesn’t call me pet names or initiate hugs. I realise everyone is different, but is this too much to ask? I’m not perfect, but I feel I could have made another man happy. My husband probably would have been just fine without marriage. He doesn’t seem to need me except to vent about work.

what does a good marriage look like? I don’t think I have one. I am getting tired of trying to work on it. But maybe I just need to keep trying and maybe it will get better. I’ve been married 10 years. My husband tries more now than he used to.

I'm so sorry, yours is not a good marriage.

There is zero shoving, shouting, unkindness or anger in my house, and a great deal of love, respect and attention paid. We share the domestic load. We're best friends.

I really hope you have someone in your corner in real life to talk to about this.

To each their own, but to me my husband has to be my best friend, my confidant, my companion and the one I can go to with anything and who I trust implicitly. Shared values trumps everything for me.

We have been married a long time and gone through many tough times. Come through them all so far. We both have our own interests, do our own things with different friends and enjoy shared friends too.

I think only you can decide if you have a good marriage that you both thrive in. It's not wise to measure yourself against others - but if you are already expressing you are not happy to him, maybe suggest marriage guidance. If you feel unsafe and utterly miserable don't be afraid to separate if you think you will be happier and your children better off.

I feel I have very few people in real life to talk to about this, to be honest. It’s because I did not grow up in the U.K. and everyone I know here socially knows my husband and his family. We have the appearance of being educated middle class etc and somehow that adds to the pressure not to talk about it and the shame of talking about domestic abuse. When he shoved me I truly felt I could not tell anyone. I had a new job and we had just moved to London. I knew no one. That was years ago now and there hasn’t been further physical violence, but I can’t forget it. There’s also a lot of pressure for marriage to work because we are Christians. There is almost a feeling that I will be letting people, especially me kids, down if my marriage doesn’t work. But I need to get over all of that. I am also afraid I am being selfish or giving up too soon if I stop trying and get a divorce. I would love to be with a man who truly cared about me and enjoyed my care for him. I feel so lonely in this marriage. My husband isn’t capable of deep conversations or sharing hopes and dreams. But then I feel I need to keep giving him a chance to grow and I worry that throwing in the towel would be wrong.

Marriage is a journey which changes and grows. Sex has always been a major factor in our relationship there has been times when we have had a busy sex life and times when we are less so because we are tired, stressed etc But we do alway want to when we do. We enjoy walking, comedy, music and films. We have similar parenting strategies. Similar beliefs around finances. We are supportive of each other. But at the same time he annoys me because I feel he could contribute more in the house, he's not a very social person and would sooner stay home than take kids out. He struggles to see my perspective on things at times. Marriage is a mix of all emotions but there should be more good than bad.

I left my first marriage because I knew that whatever happened whether I stayed single or met someone I would be happier than being with that person and I was right.

Have marriage counselling (with an actual therapist- I’ve come across lots of people who have to have it with their pastor!). If you can’t do that watch couples therapy on bbc!

It doesn't matter what other marriages are like. You would know if you were happy. Your husband does not sound very nice.

I’m really sorry you feel like this, yours doesn’t sound like a partnership

To me, a healthy relationship just feels really easy - you completely trust one another, they’ve got your back, you like each other and want to spend time together but also have your own time apart to do stuff. Both parties pull their weight on household stuff, disagreements are resolved quite amicably.

I also think there is no point in hanging around or making do with average or rubbish. There would be someone out there who would actually make you happy and enhance your life. Really, forever is a long time to be miserable

He's going to counselling and making an effort. I'd give it more time before making a decision.

Compromise, teamwork, friendship, love, care, understanding, generosity, unselfish, both contributing to the household, intimacy.

It doesn’t sound as though you have a happy healthy marriage; you don’t have to stay with someone who treats you badly and isn’t really interested in you as a person

I don't think there's a set "good" marriage formula, I know lots of couples who are very happy in lots of different situations that wouldn't work for me. The important thing is wether you're getting what you need from the marriage, which it doesn't sound like you are?

My husband is my best friend and we love being together. If something good or bad happened to me I would tell him first. We have similar values and hopes for the future with the kids, lifestyle etc...

Your husband sounds like my husband. I'm planning to get out. We both deserve way more. Interesting how similar they are, down to the fact they drone on about themselves and aren't interested in us, and no hugs or affection. It's not a marriage in my view. I've stayed in mine way too long, but largely because I wasn't even aware how bad it was, having grown up in a similar set up and been treated by my parents not to value myself.

I don't think the problem is about connection with them, but more about entitlement and self obsession. If you don't think the other person is relevant or important, except in how much they're there to service your needs, then you're not going to respect them or treat them with affection and love I guess. I don't see how that will change as it's a fundamental change in how they see themselves and the world. I wouldn't bother with couples counselling, your money would be much better spent on individual counselling and learning to value yourself.

The best kind of marriage, your husband is your best friend, with sexual desire thrown in.
You laugh together, have at least some of the same interests, have the same objectives in life so you are heading in the same direction.
You care for each other daily, and are for the most part happy in each other's company. You work as a team.

They are rare but they do exist. I've never managed it but I hope you do.

Imo in a good relationship, you don't have to try so much. You are meant to feel safe with your partner and look forwards to spending time with them. You are meant to believe that they care about you.

It doesn't sound like you love him (understandably) or he loves you. Him trying a bit more isn't enough!

I think the most telling part of your post is when you say 'I could have made another man happy.'
In a very kind way, you're looking at this from the wrong perspective. Your life should be about making YOU happy. Your needs are not secondary to everyone else's and you deserve love, companionship and happiness.

Hobbledyhoy thank you. That is a tremendous insight and I will be thinking about that. I do believe my assumed role and sense of worth in general is tied to a belief that I am doing well if I am keeping / making people happy and if people are pleased with me. And while that does make me happy, I can see the distortion you point out. I don’t look at life from the perspective of what makes me happy in situations as much. Wow.

I also realise if I am not happy to begin with then it’s not as though being in a good relationship will be the answer to everything.

having said that …. I do wish I had chosen a marriage that would make me happy. I did try to break up with my husband when we were dating, telling him I thought we had different needs in a relationship. I wanted more in-depth heart to heart sharing and he just hadn’t been interested in that even when I specifically asked him for it and discussed it. He begged me for another chance and seemed to really try to talk more. I thought about it and decided what does it hurt to give him another chance. But that chance gave me more opportunities to see that he wasn’t going to be a stable and caring partner. When he does say kind things, he also has the habit of throwing in what he calls a “poison pill” to offset the kindness (because he finds it too mushy). It kills good feelings and adds instability and uncertain. He isn’t a happy person in himself.

I really wish I had not given him that second chance, which ended in marriage. I became more and more invested. Thinking this was all part of growing in a relationship. I have to admit that he has grown consistently throughout the time I have known him. He isn’t so mean and critical anymore. If he is moody I point it out and he is better and reigning himself in. It’s just that it’s been such a painful journey. I would not do it over again if I had the chance. I would tell my younger self to back out.

I am in personal therapy and it is helping me. Maybe this is part of why I am starting to get in touch with all of this. Divorce is such a big decision. It impacts children, etc, not just my spouse and me. That’s why I can’t see myself simply flippantly getting a divorce. I also am not sure I can be happy with this man. We actually do have a fun sex life for the most part. We seem to be reasonably well matched in that area. I have the higher drive, but he never turns it down. But that alone doesn’t make a good marriage.

His main improvements in our marriage started when the children came. He is a devoted dad and truly tries. If he put half the effort he puts into being a dad into our marriage and into being interested in me, it would make such a difference. He puts everything into the kids. I am the one who plans stuff for us, or suggests things for us, most of the time. He has yet to plan a birthday party for me, and even when a milestone birthday came, he only cobbled things together on the day (although her did get a gift) whereas I planned him a party and spent several months preparing.

i am afraid his changes and growth may just be too slow for me. Maybe it feels like I am trying to make him into something he is not so I can be happy. That’s never going to work. Truth be told I certainly can’t accept him the way he is and just be happy with him. If I hadn’t started asking him to change I have no doubt he would still be criticising me publicly and forgetting to even say goodbye to me when he dotes on tue children.

I feel I am grieving what my life has been like these past 10 years. Wishing I had woken up sooner. I wonder if other people’s marriages go through this and survive or improve.

Your husband sounds disrespectful and self-oriented. I'd guess either he's initiating what he has seen at home or for another reason doesn't know how to be in a relationship. I agree either he needs therapy or couples counseling, probably both.

In terms of a happy marriage I find the idea of zero anger a bit odd. Though that's more personality I think, I have colleagues who don't ever seen put out or frustrated. I think the point is there are many moments of kindness, consideration, empathy and effort for the other person.

Of course one person might find something irritating and might sound frustrated or angry sometimes. And personalities differ for example I know I talk about myself alot, my husband less so, he asks more questions. But the point for me is the good outweighs the bad, effort is made on both sides, and people are genuinely interested in the other person. If there's a dispute efforts are made to apologise, empathise and or change something to minimise it happening again.

@Stompythedinosaur this is the thing. I always imagined things would be more natural and easy than they have been with this man. I feel so self-checked and tense around him much of the time. I used to breathe a sigh of relief when he went to work on days when I wasn’t working bc that meant I could relax. If he was home he was always analysing what I was doing or not doing and how I was doing it and saying what needed to be done. I could never relax with few exceptions. That has changed now and he has become a bit more chill and even occupies the kids specifically so I can relax quite often, but he is still very intense in general. Our fit is not natural.

when we got married, I wanted pre marriage counselling. We took a test called prepare enrich pre marriage and it said we were not compatible because I am laid back and flexible and my husband is rigid and inflexible among other things. That pastor did not address this at all. He just said “oh that will even out”. He did us a great disservice. My husband says me being flexible and laid back is something nice that he enjoys about me. I am forgiving and not a perfectionist in the day to day issues, unlike his family of origin. The flip side is that I yield to him so much more than he yields to me. I find his rigidness exhausting. He often says “well you should have pushed back harder” on things I wanted. But the truth is that he steam rolls me a lot. Still.

Rather than repeat anyone and list the positives of my happy marriage, one word I think DH and I would both use consistently is contentment. Whether we're in a good patch, harder patch, we don't question that we're solid.

The tension and discontent you describe isn't what it's about at all, it must be exhausting.

My parents have been married over 50 yrs, they've been thru some right trials and tribulations. I don't think my dad was always the kindest person at certain points and life wasn't always easy financially.
Now in their 70s despite some health problems there life and marriage is amazing.

Divorce is a big thing OP but so is the consideration that parents are their kids' most important role models, particularly for relationships. There are no easy answers but it sounds as if you will eventually work out what's best (or least worst) for yourself.

I suppose that's a thought. What would you want your kids to do if they were in your shoes? Do that!

I have been married for almost 25 years with one definite rough patch which we got through. No marriage is perfect but your marriage sounds more like it was an expected duty rather than a meeting of minds. I don’t like the sound that he knows he throws in a poison pill.

People will irritate or upset each other sometimes but it sounds like he knows that he is doing it. Both DH and I have most definitely upset or annoyed each other at certain points but it’s not intentional. It’s when it’s intentional it is a massive problem and shows a really horrible personality or a resentment or both towards the person on the receiving end.

I think he doesn’t like you that much, sorry I feel bad writing that but that poison pill comment, I think he is deliberately punishing you.

@Adversity thank you for your message. I do think that my husband doesn’t like himself very much at all. He is extremely self-critical and has trouble believing good things and positive comments about himself. As such, it does make sense that it’s difficult for him to love or like someone else well. I hate to think I have married a man who doesn’t even like me. He showed me enough “evidence” for me to think he loved/liked me when we were dating …. But there were always rough patches and red flags and inconsistencies which I can see now and kept thinking would improve back then. I made excuses for him.

I do wonder why I thought his bad treatment of me was acceptable. Why did I choose to allow and accept this treatment?! My mother did the same and that was my example. Perhaps that’s why. I also believed, as someone pointed out above, that it was my role to make him happy, rather than asking myself if he made me happy and emphasising that. I kept thinking things would be ok and we would work through or grow through things.

there were so, so many issues involving his family. He kept putting them first at the expense of our relationship. I kept thinking that once that was resolved everything would be better.