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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not waitig seven weeks?

13 replies

Mememene · 30/06/2022 21:21

A bit of background on other threads.

Used to have an amazing relationship........ but......

My ex partner, who I've left because on the drinking front we are incompatible, I havent drank for years as I used to have a drink problem, but he occasionally gets falling down drunk and has a history of breaking things when pissed. His abusive adult son (in his 30's) son who has moved in with him as he's not allowed to be in the family home. I tried to live there for a couple of years but moved out after one awful incident, can't tolerate perpetrators of DV. (the son) Could scream and don't wish to be around his manipulative backside.

My ex, after telling me he still loves me, has told me that if I really loved him I'd wait for seven weeks when the abusive son says he will move out. He has already missed three other move out dates, this will be the fourth. My BS radar is on high alert and doubt he'll be leaving then.

Ex wants to support his son in his time of need, kind of get it, kind of on that one issue.

Have I been unreasonable to tell him to jog on, I need to move on and seriously consider putting the number on block so I can't get any more ridiculous calls?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/06/2022 21:24

You can say no for any reason, it doesn’t have to be justified to anyone else. This sounds like a relationship with a lot of drama. Even if the son moved out, he’d still be a factor.

Stopthebusplease · 30/06/2022 21:26

Absolutely not BU!! Sounds to me like you've done exactly the right thing. This guy and his family don't seem to be a good fit for you. Move on would be my advice!

Original poster
Mememene · 30/06/2022 21:27

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/06/2022 21:24

You can say no for any reason, it doesn’t have to be justified to anyone else. This sounds like a relationship with a lot of drama. Even if the son moved out, he’d still be a factor.

I think if he moved out, it would be a matter of time before he'd need to return. My ex says he'd refuse but doubt it.

I feel very insulted that he thinks it's acceptable to not see each other for seven weeks, just helps writing it down and seeing it for the ridiculous suggestion that it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mememene · 30/06/2022 21:30

Stopthebusplease · 30/06/2022 21:26

Absolutely not BU!! Sounds to me like you've done exactly the right thing. This guy and his family don't seem to be a good fit for you. Move on would be my advice!

It was so good during lockdown, he was brilliant through my breast cancer and took me to every appointment. This year it all changed and hard to believe it is the same person. And the son..............

I'll have to accept that the clock can't be turned back and what I see now is what I'll get in the future if I go back.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 30/06/2022 21:35

OP, I posted on your previous thread about your partner a few days ago. Please, please, please stay strong and don't be manipulated into going back to your unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic. In your last thread, you were clear that there are two issues, your partner, his drinking and related issues, and his son. Why would his son (temporarily possibly) moving out be enough for you to go back to him?

LIZS · 30/06/2022 21:38

Can't be,ie e you are considering going back to an abusive alcoholic who only seeks to pull you down to his level. Empty promises,

Original poster
Mememene · 30/06/2022 21:40

Cyberworrier · 30/06/2022 21:35

OP, I posted on your previous thread about your partner a few days ago. Please, please, please stay strong and don't be manipulated into going back to your unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic. In your last thread, you were clear that there are two issues, your partner, his drinking and related issues, and his son. Why would his son (temporarily possibly) moving out be enough for you to go back to him?

It would be half of the problem gone, but he could easily come back again. It leaves the other half which is still pretty much unsolvable. I have since found out that the drinking was an issue with a previous relationship, so that isnt going to change any time soon. I have to let go....... and although I've left and common sense tells me it's right, it's hard. Posting here and reading the responses does keep me strong though.

I think I need to block the number, it seems a bit heartless but it's a protection for me from listening to any more of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mememene · 30/06/2022 21:42

LIZS · 30/06/2022 21:38

Can't be,ie e you are considering going back to an abusive alcoholic who only seeks to pull you down to his level. Empty promises,

Just need to stay strong, but to be told I was unreasonable in not waiting for 7 weeks until his son leaves was pretty staggering to be honest. I'm unreasonable and if I loved him I'd wait. Even I, soft stupid as I am, wouldn't consider that.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 30/06/2022 21:51

Maybe read "Women who love too much", it's interesting on women drawn to relationships with dysfunctional men, including addicts.

It's not cruel to block his number, it's self preservation. This man does not have your best interests at heart, he can't, he's too addled by his addiction and his chaotic life/behaviour show that.

Maintain your boundaries. You do know it's unhealthy for you to be with your partner with his drinking, regardless of his awful son. Focus on yourself and get some distance from this man, who's chaotic life seems to have an unhealthy draw for you.

Original poster
Mememene · 30/06/2022 21:59

Cyberworrier · 30/06/2022 21:51

Maybe read "Women who love too much", it's interesting on women drawn to relationships with dysfunctional men, including addicts.

It's not cruel to block his number, it's self preservation. This man does not have your best interests at heart, he can't, he's too addled by his addiction and his chaotic life/behaviour show that.

Maintain your boundaries. You do know it's unhealthy for you to be with your partner with his drinking, regardless of his awful son. Focus on yourself and get some distance from this man, who's chaotic life seems to have an unhealthy draw for you.

Ordered it off Ebay, it might just be the best £2.13 I've ever spent. Thanks for the tip.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 30/06/2022 22:13

I hope it's helpful. I read about it on here and ordered it, having similar issues myself. One of the things in the book that rings true is you'd never encourage a friend to put up with what you yourself put up with- you'd be outraged on their behalf- but for yourself you think "oh it's not too bad, I can cope". And that's not how life/relationships are meant to be!

Life is too short. And when someone is an addict, they won't change until they want to. You can't spend your life hoping for that to happen when you just have no idea if it even ever will.

Sympathy to you, I feel I've spoken quite bluntly to you but it's because I've been in a similar situation and you deserve better.

Original poster
Mememene · 30/06/2022 22:20

Cyberworrier · 30/06/2022 22:13

I hope it's helpful. I read about it on here and ordered it, having similar issues myself. One of the things in the book that rings true is you'd never encourage a friend to put up with what you yourself put up with- you'd be outraged on their behalf- but for yourself you think "oh it's not too bad, I can cope". And that's not how life/relationships are meant to be!

Life is too short. And when someone is an addict, they won't change until they want to. You can't spend your life hoping for that to happen when you just have no idea if it even ever will.

Sympathy to you, I feel I've spoken quite bluntly to you but it's because I've been in a similar situation and you deserve better.

In all honesty the messages have been really helpful, all of them. I've read and re read them all. I think seeing it in black and white really helps as you can see how it sounds, and getting the feedback, blunt or not, helps counteract the garbage I've been getting fed.

I know my friends will tell me stay away but sometimes you need to hear it from strangers too. I'm on holiday this week, might just book a week away somewhere, and have too much thinking time on my hands. It was just so normal to him to think I'd wait seven weeks for his son to decide to leave.

As a recovering addict who hasn't drank now for many years, it's even more important for me to protect that sobriety. I never want that horror back and that's the danger if I walk back into the drama. I won't I will read the book when it comes.

Who knows if I get the courage to book that holiday, I might be reading it on a hotel sunlounger somewhere.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 01/07/2022 07:30

Going on holiday sounds like a great plan! Go for it.

I'm glad the messages have been helpful. Stay strong and keep your focus on your own needs.

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