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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by DP going out for no reason

32 replies

HappyMonday123 · 30/06/2022 11:24

Hi,

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonable or not. My DP is great most of the time but they have days where they come home from work or seeing people etc and they are in such a strange mood. They seem to not be able to relax - they keep doing stuff and then they struggle to sleep. They will often, but not always have a reason to have to go for a drive which can be short like 15 mins or long like over an hour. It could be because they have stuff on their mind or they want to get a non alcoholic beer (they stopped drinking in January) or last night because their eye hurt. Then if they can’t sleep they may drive at midnight or later.

This really annoys me - I don’t mind so much when it’s just once a week but we’re going through a period at the moment where it’s basically every other night and they are going out twice a night. I spend the night stressing about when they are going to say they have to go out.

I can’t work out if I should just accept this is who they are or if I have a reason to be annoyed. They don’t see any issue with it. Personally I think this is weird behaviour and I don’t like it. I don’t have any reason to think they are doing anything dodgy.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 30/06/2022 11:26

Coke would be my first thought.

GreenIsle · 30/06/2022 11:28

I was going to echo the drugs thing also.

JustTheOneSwan · 30/06/2022 11:30

Drugs or drink.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/06/2022 11:30

I was expecting to say YABU, your DP doesn't need a reason, but then I really wouldn't be happy with what you describe. Could be something or nothing though. Pre DC I used to run when I was stressed/anxious/upset even middle of the night occasionally, it could be any of those or it could be drugs, an affair, drinking, probably more I can't think of. I think YANBU here, that frequency would be too much for me, especially with them not talking to you about why they're doing it.

Momicrone · 30/06/2022 11:31

It sounds really annoying

SallyWD · 30/06/2022 11:33

Hmm.. I wouldn't mind the going out aspect (I myself often feel I need to go out for a walk and will take myself off whenever the need comes!) but I'd be concerned that your DP seems so restless and agitated. Is there something he's worried about that he can't tell you?

Weenurse · 30/06/2022 11:34

Coke?

OneEyedPenguin · 30/06/2022 11:34

Drugs or phoning/ shagging someone else.

queenie2016 · 30/06/2022 11:36

Drugs I'm afraid

AprilMayAnne · 30/06/2022 11:54

Sorry OP I think this sounds a lot like coke. I'm constantly amazed by how rife it is, even among friends I'd never have thought it of

theviewfrommywindow · 30/06/2022 12:45

Drugs - sorry.

Flowerymess · 30/06/2022 12:47

Surely he has a problem with feeling like he needs to do that. Aren't you concerned about his mental health?

DelphiniumBlue · 30/06/2022 12:57

Coke or speed

5128gap · 30/06/2022 12:57

She or he could be having an affair. But stopping drinking in January is interesting. Did they have a problem with alcohol? If so this makes drug use a higher possibility due to cross addiction. Have you noticed any financial changes?

eldora · 30/06/2022 12:58

Either drugs or speaking to someone on the phone in his car.

Ex used to call the OW on these drives.

tiredanddangerous · 30/06/2022 13:01

My first thought was Coke too. Sorry op.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/06/2022 13:03

Coke or affair

5128gap · 30/06/2022 13:03

Don't assume DP is a man. The deliberate use of they in the OP is often the precursor to a double standards gotcha.
(Apologies OP if you used 'they' for a different reason.)

Kanaloa · 30/06/2022 13:05

I don’t know. I think it’s so difficult without context. I often feel restless and stressed and like to go for a walk or drive randomly to relax. I do often think I possibly have an undiagnosed something though. For me it’s just about having time with nobody bothering me at all, just to be without anything else. Is there any reason you’re stressing about not knowing where he is? Does he leave without telling you etc?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 30/06/2022 13:06

Sorry but another vote for coke.

MolliciousIntent · 30/06/2022 13:06

Yup, sorry, definitely cocaine.

Whatsthestoryboringglory · 30/06/2022 13:06

Strange moods, can’t sit still, can’t sleep, nips out randomly and you don’t know where they are going; that sounds like drugs to me. Probably Coke as others have said. BIL did this, and he works in a respectable job with three kids. It’s mad how common it is.

Kanaloa · 30/06/2022 13:07

I wouldn’t like my husband (or partner) telling me they ‘didn’t like it’ or ‘thought it was weird’ other, or pushing that they were ‘stressed’ about it. I couldn’t be doing with being harassed about going out for 15 mins to an hour by someone who (as you’ve said) has no reason to think I’m up to no good. But if you thought there was anything untoward presumably you’d have mentioned that.

Notanotherwindow · 30/06/2022 13:10

I do this, driving when upset or anxious or even when feeling melancholy. I've never touched drugs or had an affair. I just think best when driving and my car is my safe place. The North circular has seen many a meltdown.

Newusernameaug · 29/12/2022 11:42

I’m going against the grain here, if they’ve quit alcohol I doubt they’ve gone onto a harder drug instead and coke is horrid to take without alcohol, the two normally go together.

If you have no reason to suspect an affair, then I’d say this is your partners coping mechanism to deal with addiction and they’re doing this to help them process their emotions and deal with not drinking - so I’d try to discuss it with them more and perhaps see what other strategies could help?