Advice on older dc after birth of baby

[Hollygoshitely33]

I have an ds11 from a previous relationship and a 3 month old baby girl. Ds hasn't taken particularly well to the baby. He hasn't been negative but is very ambivalent, almost acting like she's not here most of the time. If she cries he'll turn the TV up. Other then than he has very little to do with her. I haven't pushed this as I understand it must be tough having a baby around after so long being an only child. Plus babies are pretty dull at this stage anyway.

But his attitude has also nosedived recently. Lots of attitude, only interested in gaming/screens in his room, separate from the rest of us. He's started giving my dh (his stepdad) a lot of attitude and cheek which is causing issues between us. It's just really hard. I am trying to carve out time for us without the baby but it's not easy when she's so small and most of the time he'd rather be on his Xbox anyway.

I'm worried that our relationship is suffering and I'm not sure how to improve things. I'm also getting annoyed with dh who doesn't have the most patience and just sees an unruly pre teen rather than a little boy whose life has just changed a lot. Don't get me wrong, dh has always been a very loving and supportive stepparent but he doesn't have the same sort of patience as I do and I'm worried that there will become a notable difference between the ways he treats his bio child and my ds. What do I do?

Ds does have a good relationship with his bio dad and visits his house EOW where he also has two younger half siblings so it's not like he is not used to young children (although they are 5 and 7 so a bit older).

Bump

I have nearly 9 years between my two, older boy (12) and younger girl (now nearly 4). I would try and get your DS out of his room and doing 1:1 activities with an adult. For us, DH started going out cycling with DS, DS and I watched Studio Ghibli films on DVD whilst I fed baby. We tried to ensure his bedtime routine stayed unchanged by baby, so he could see that he was important in his own right.

I will say that it gets harder (sorry!) with a toddler who crashes into bed rooms, bites, hits etc. and having to explain that they don't have impulse control. Get a baby gate for your DS's room if he hasn't got one, to show that you want to keep him and his belongings safe. Toddler DD took DS's english homework out of his bag and drew on it, for example, as she'd seen him draw on it. We got a padlock for his school bag and I wrote a note to his teacher explaining what had happened and how it wouldn't happen again!

As baby gets older, try and use childcare to give you days with your DS as he's lost those days in school holidays to himself. Going to things like theme parks where DS can go on rides and baby stays in her pram are also good as he can see that activities have been planned with him in mind.

Thank you @PineappleWilson they are really helpful suggestions. I hadn't even considered the chaos that might happen when dd is mobile! Will definitely ensure that ds gets his privacy and space. He doesn't communicate particularly well with me. I don't know if he is struggling with the change and can't vocalise it or if he's just not that interested and I'm reading more into it.

Dh is my main worry at the moment. We should be supporting each other but I'm just finding myself stuck in the middle of him and my son who is acting out but really nothing out of the norm (and will probably get much worse during the teen years!)

I never noticed dh being this impatient with him before but now it's bothering me.

Does your DH recognise that his behaviour has changed? Think through what behaviours you want from both of you towards DS so you're both consistent and he's not showing behaviour differences between his bio children and your DS. He needs to show calm boundaries. Your DS has had a lot of change and needs support to work through that. Maybe also speak to school to see how they can support him to talk through his concerns.