Who's the bigger problem here? Him, me or both?

[HereWeGo196]

Dh and I have lots of problems in our relationship. Some of it us our own stuff that we project onto the other person and other times, it's a clash of personalities, tiredness, stress of family life with work, little ones, etc.

Things have been particularly tense this week and dh said to me last night that I can really irritate him and that the way I am with him is comparable to the stuff he's put me through. So last night I drew up a list of our flaws from the last 5 years of our relationship...

Me...

• Can be controlling. Sometimes from my anxiety which can be irrational and sometimes through just functioning in life (e.g. will tell dh to bring toddler ds back by a certain time for lunch, dinner, if they're out together - dh says this is controlling).
• I'm argumentative. I go on about stuff way too much. This is a big thing I'm trying to deal with. I'll have odd days where I'm like a dog with a bone and struggle to let stuff go. I have diagnosed anxiety/ocd so it could relate to that. Nevertheless I need to reign it in.
• I'm a bit chaotic. I do forget things I've left around the house sometimes, I lose stuff, etc. I'm a teacher, plus work from home and have baby & toddler, so things get a bit crazy and I can be scatty.

DH...

• His moods can be very up and down. One day he's friendly and lovely, the next he's in his own head and will be grumpy. He doesn't communicate when like this. He does have anxiety/depression.
• Very stubborn and sometimes arrogant. If he's in the wrong, he will always justify himself. He hates feeling any sort of shame. If I say something to him that he's done, his first reaction is to bring me down, he'll say, 'well you're not perfect, you do this, you do that, you've got anxiety'.
• He can be very loving and sweet when he's in a good mood but when he's grumpy, he can be hard, little empathy.
• He has had an addiction to porn since his teens. It's got better in the last year but it's still very much in the background of our relationship. He didn't tell me until 2 years into the relationship. Then for the next couple of years after that he continuously lied about doing better with it when he wasn't. At his lowest, he secretly watched it in the same room as me when I was heavily pregnant with dc2.

Obviously we've both got our faults and both need to work on our own stuff but with the way dh was talking to me last night, you'd think my faults were a deal breaker in the relationship. But I feel like he's put me through a lot worse. AIBU to think this?

Why does it matter who the "bigger" problem is? You have problems. Work them out as a team or split up.

It's not possible to see the whole picture without your DH also writing his take on the problems. Your thread lists issues as you see them. He may not have put things down on the same way if he had given his perspective. Sounds like you are on a cycle of he did/she did. You have a lot to deal with when you have a teaching job and small children. It should raise a bit as they get a bit older. Not much help to either of you at the moment I know. Maybe marriage counseling would help. 💐

Help a bit not raise a bit 😁

It's not as simple as making a list of shortcomings, it depends a lot on what the other person finds easier or harder to deal with as well. I couldn't put up with an argumentative person, but wouldn't mind a bit of a chaotic lifestyle or someone being uncommunicative, DH is really bothered by chaos and lack of empathy. You need to find the middle ground.

Why do you need to prove one is worse than the other? As other posters have said, you're a team, this is a marriage. You can't point score in a marriage, it doesn't work.

I think dh probably struggles with my faults on more of a day to day basis. Whereas I think I feel more deeply hurt over a period of time from his stuff. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

You need to talk to each other and both own your own issues.

Neither of you are the problem. You have problems in the way you relate to each other that you need to fix together. If you see each other as the problem you can’t fix it.

Try looking at the pattern of communication and how you each are feeling. What does he do that triggers your anxiety? Is there something that he could do that would help ie giving more communication when out with your son so you in return are kinder to him rather than being argumentative. Can he reflect on why you do this to help him be more understanding when you slip up so he doesn’t automatically become stubborn? Can you help him with this by reminding him that you are a team and that it you need to solve the problem together so he doesn’t feel attacked?

If he's in the wrong, he will always justify himself.

And yet your whole list is you justifying why your "in the wrong" things happen

This is a pointless exercise. You both have issues and you both need to want to fix them.

Do you actually like and love each other? Because all this sounds exhausting. Not just the actual poor behaviours you both act out, but making a tit for tat list about whose put the other through the worst. There are no prizes given out at the end of your life for remaining the longest in a miserable relationship, and you’re both setting an awful example of what a relationship should look like for your DC. You need to either decide that you want to work through it as a team, without the petty “I’m not the worst, you’re the worst” stuff, or separate.

Maybe it would be more helpful if you saw yourselves as in a relationship rut.

we are all have faults, but how you deal with each other faults can cause the problems. I also suggest relationship counselling. A good counsellor will advise new ways of communicating with each other