To not have kids because of MH history

[Stickystitch]

My mother and paternal grandma both had significant mental health issues (depression and anxiety) which really affected their lives, and the lives of their families.

I also struggle with bouts of depression and anxiety but have been luckier because I've grown up in a time where information is accessible and I also have means to soften my problems - I have a career I enjoy and an income so I can spend a little on activities I enjoy, making my life a bit more interesting and sociable. Both mum and grandma were SAHMs their whole lives, weren't very well off, and they were both very isolated.

Aibu to not have a family for this reason? I'm 35 and trying to come to terms with making a decision to not have kids. I don't really want to pass this MH burden onto another generation. It's sad though, also not being able to explain my decision to family (especially my mum) without them being offended is hard. They think I just hate kids and am cold, selfish and uncaring.

I think you are making a really sensible decision. If you and your partner are ok with it then it's nobody else's business.

It’s your choice. My mum has MH problems, her dad did, my brother does. I however do not. It’s not guaranteed to pass down through families.

While there is a genetic component, most poor MH is caused by environment/lived experience not your DNA. There’s no logical reason to think your DC would end up suffering from poor MH.

If you don’t want children, just be honest about it. You don’t need a reason to not want children. To say you don’t want them because you’re afraid they’ll end up like your mum or Nan would be extremely hurtful and ignorant.

It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to have children. You don’t need a “good” reason not to do so.

This, totally

You’re not being unreasonable, but I don’t think you should deny yourself children if you want them. MH issues don’t necessarily equal a crap life.

The way you talk about your own life, it sounds like you are fairly content on the whole.

Depression is very common and while when in the throes of it, life can be very hard and even seem not worth living, overall most people still have valuable lives.

Depression runs in my family too so I do understand. But there are no certainties about anything.

Given the hereditary component of mental health disorders, I think it's sensible, OP.

The extra pressure, stress and sleep deprivation of becoming a parent could really negatively affect your MH, so there's that to consider too.

I have a friend who has chosen not to have children for similar reasons. There is a strong history of poor mental health in her family and she worries about "passing it on" to any children she may have. She is also aware that she is very high risk for ante natal and post natal depression and does not want that risk for herself.
I think she is making a well informed choice for herself, sounds like you are too, OP

having children is hugely taxing to your mental health. Which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t but it’s sensible to consider it.

No one ever needs any other reason aside from “I don’t want children” to not have children.

Think your doing the right thing
and to be honest part of a midwife booking appointment is about mental health and in most cases they will refer you to social services during pregnancy for support so that’s something else to think about to weather you would manage that

A bit sad that so many people think you're making the right decision without realising the impact. I don't know you and it's not my life. I have kids so who am I to tell you. It sounds like you haven't made your mind up otherwise why are you asking on mn.

Mental health problems are so common. Being a woman or from a more diverse ethnicity can make issues worse as it's the pressure of society or discrimination that can cause some problems, not genetics. It's your decision but my dad had schizophrenia and I actually have better mental health I think because of the awareness.

Make your decision but perhaps speak to a doctor if you're basing it on genetics and your own ability to cope. None of us know what our children will inherit or suffer from and perfectly healthy people can have terrible mental health down the line, some people can have terrible mental health and recover to be great parents and amazing grandparents. Good luck with whatever you do, you'll make the right choice not people online.

I think it's a sensible decision.
DP's family has a history of mental health problems and whilst my side is mostly okay my dad did commit suicide.
Both my DCs (now adults) suffer with depression and anxiety and are on long term medication which they will more than likely need for ever.
It's incredibly painful being the parent to a child with mental health problems.

Only you can decide this but for what it’s worth here’s my story…

I have a history of depression. I also thought about not having children because I didn’t want to burden them with this and I didn’t want to risk it impacting on my mental health. As it was, I met the most amazing supportive DH and I changed my mind. It hasn’t been easy but I don’t regret it. The comment about automatically being referred to social services is wrong. I was however told that they wanted to assess me for puerperal psychosis before I left the hospital and also that they would offer some enhanced health visitor support. I’ve tried to be proactive in seeking help when I’ve needed it and I’ve always been open with my DC about mental health. The eldest recently had their first brush with anxiety on starting secondary school but they’ve learnt skills to manage it and are supported in a way I never was. I think self-awareness is important. I’m fairly certain that my DM and her mother also had MH struggles but it was a different time and they lacked awareness. History doesn’t necessarily repeat itself.

It is sensible to consider these things when deciding on children. When I was considering with partner we discussed affordability both in terms of money and emotional reserves (likely impacted by reduced sleep, changing routines etc.) as well as risks to health which may affect child including mental health and potential genetic factors. It’s important to be honest that these things are factors in the decision but the weighting you give to them is up to you. But at least having considered them you have opened the conversation if these things come to pass