Grieve and family

[tabathapattaz]

Hey,

So I lost my grandparents so within a space or three weeks, my Nan past away when I was with her..
The next day I had to pop into the house with my uncle.. that night my sister and my mum had a massive go at me as I hadn't contacted my mum all day, I'm a single mum of 3 children 2 of which are twins with additional needs I had to get them to school then go into a house where I've seen my grandparents both pass one not even 24hours before, the messages and the phone calls were absolutely awful to be honest I wouldn't expect anything different from them. I don't live near any family or have many friends I had to leave due to domestic violence. All I had was those 2

My mum doesn't even live near here she lives 200 miles away

I've always had to be the parent to my mum
And sister even when my step dad past they took me to courts because he left some inheritance, I wasn't aloud to grieve as I lived out of the area and didn't really see him.. at his funeral I wasnt aloud to speak..
my nan and grandad was like my second parents I was in there everyday, plus my daughter growing up was as I worked.. now I feel like I can't grieve over them.. as they make me feel guilty.. and when I say I'm not ok or my daughters had a bad day I get well so have I.. how do you think we feel, why you crying, get a grip.. be strong for you kids.. selfish think of how we feel. You need to get over it and move on. I'm

Then I've helped my uncle to do the house, even tho it ended up being me. and said to you should do a boot sell, he said what a great idea, somehow I've ended up with it all at my house and I'm doing it none of them.,but all the money that's made has to go back into the assets that's been split between my mum and 2 uncles.

My grandads last works of tears Said I worry you and the children aren't goi g to be ok..

I just feel I'm being made a mug of yes I'll help as it's my nan and granddad or am I just over thinking the whole thing?

I haven't even cried and I don't get why

I’m sorry for the losses.
I wouldn’t be talking to my mother at all - for her behaviour I’d have long since cut her out, perhaps now is the time?

“somehow I've ended up with it all at my house and I'm doing it none of them”

This jumped out at me. “Somehow” is very passive. It didn’t somehow happen. Either you offered, or agreed, or he just dumped the stuff on you. So push back. I’d text. “Uncle - which car boot are you going to collect the stuff and sell at? I don’t have the space to have it here for long at all. Can you take it to X Boot on Sunday 10th?”
If you don’t get a commitment that HE is doing it on that date or similar, or if he says yes then doesn’t do it, can you move the stuff back to your grandparents’ house?

“I just feel I'm being made a mug of yes I'll help as it's my nan and granddad or am I just over thinking the whole thing?”

Keep in mind that you’re not doing this for your grandparents. So don’t give yourself that reason.

If you decide you really can’t stand up for yourself, tell you uncles and mother in one group text that you don’t have the time or inclination to stand around haggling at a car boot - you’ll have a “make me an offer sign” and be giving things away - including for free. That it will be clearance not money making and that on the way home that you’ll be taking it to the tip. Make it clear that the car boot sale fee will come off takings. I’d even go so far as to say that if takings are high enough, your children will each get £5 from proceeds as “pay” for helping you on the day. Tell them if they want to make more money than that they need to collect and do it themselves, by x date.

The worst that can happen is they’re cross with you… they sound no loss. Block them if so.

@Testina they won't even alllow me to grieve if I say anything I'm selfish and only thinking of my self, they never had anything to do with them.. never came to see them, I know she's lost her mum and dad but I've also lost the closest to me and my children.. I don't even know how to grieve and all I do is get abuse..

This week I'm drained and exhausted, and worried if I do or say anything it all kicks off..

I only mentioned a car boot sale I took the kids toys out that is sentimental to them, then he started unloading his van.. he said once you've done the car boot let me know keep a tab of it all and it goes back into the assets for them 3..

I just don't feel I can stand up for myself I haven't got the strength.. I literally play mum for my mum and sister, she's never been a mum to me..

Sorry I haven't got anyone to talk to about any of this and I jsut feel so lonely right now..

It’s sounds really hard 😥
Bumping for you and hope you get better answers than mine!

I want to tell you to call your uncle and tell him to pick the stuff up.

But, it’s obvious that you’re not ready to stand up quite so firmly just yet, and you’re on the back foot as you actually have the stuff in your house! In that tricky position, I would suggest that you actually go ahead with the car boot. Partly cos it’s hard in the middle of all this to get tough, partly cos you can’t force him to collect, and because it does sound like there’s an argument to be had with him saying you suggested it and agreed to it. Hard to argue that you didn’t, when the stuff is in your house!

I would text him, “need to get thar car boot sorted - what dates suit you? There’s one every x day, how about x date? The kids and I will come to help you on the day - it’ll be fun for them.”

Make it really clear you’re expecting him to do it. (it’s also fine to just ask him when HE is collecting to do it!)

If he then says you offered to do it, and he can’t, and if you still don’t want the fight at that point, then just do it. But make sure you reply by text and tell him that you’ll be letting stuff go for any offers so not to expect a large amount. Also tell him you’ll be deducting £x car boot fee.

Ideally, send a group message to all 3. “Hello all - letting you know that I’m going to do a car boot of stuff from the house that Uncle moved to mine on <date>. If there’s anything you’d rather keep, I need to know before. The cost of the car boot is £x which I’ll withdraw from the takings. I have no idea what sort of money you can get from a car boot, and my plan is just to clear it, not haggle with people. Therefore, the money back to you might be low. If anyone would prefer to sell it themselves for a higher price, let me know and you can collect it.”

Be really clear to ALL of them. If you can’t send in a group for some reason, send the same message to all. Don’t allow them to argue that you sold too low. Get your “fuck off” ready!!

If you think there’s not much of value, you can also text, “I don’t think it will fetch enough to do a car boot so I’m planning to tip it - please let me know if you want to collect anything first.”