Envy

[the7Vabo]

I’ll start by saying I know IBU!
In short, I have a fairly nice life by most people’s standards. But even so I’m struggling with envy. Mainly because I have to work a tough office job with a lot to responsibility, and I feel very envious of friends who have much better lifestyles than me but don’t work.
I know material things don’t matter. I know that on a rational level but still I feel pangs of envy! I’m stressed up to 90 most of the time worrying about work, I don’t sleep well and I find myself snapping a lot at my very young kids. So when I walk into a friend’s house who hasn’t worked in years but because of their husband’s job can afford many things I can’t - house in a different league, schools, holidays, a third child etc etc
I’m not jealous as I don’t resent them personally but I am very envious - I don’t even need the massive house etc but I’m struggling with the fact I live a much more ordinary life dictated by finances but I’m constantly stressed.
Quiting my job isn’t an option right now. Any constructive advice would be appreciated. as I said I know IBU, many people are so much worse off but still..,

Yanbu, especially if you can recognise envy for what it is - you want good things for others and for yourself. It’s not like jealousy or schadenfreude.
It’s rough OP. I live in a part of London where the inequality just within our school is gobsmacking. DH and I were late onto the property ladder and have the motto ‘keep your eyes in your own boat’.

(and I know we are lucky to be on property ladder at all!)

YANBU I think everyone feels this way from time to time.

Try and focus on your own situation and small little ways you could make it a bit better.

I hear ya OP- but Comparison is the thief of joy- it’s really hard not to compare at times but try to practice being mindful of the positive things in your life…and I know it’s not fair how some people seem to live charmed lives but what’s yours is yours so try to love it. Sorry, there’s no magic answer or solution.

What are you truly envious of if material things don’t matter to you? Maybe your feelings are pointing to some emotional needs that you’re not getting met, like rest/play?

I admire your honesty op, but I do think everyone has their troubles wether they live in a big house with what appears from the outside a lavish lifestyle sometimes funded by credit cards, you never really know what goes on behind closed doors,

YANBU though, everyone feels like that sometimes, it’s human, it’s ok to sometimes feel like you wish you had what others have, it isn’t always material things either.

Comparison is the thief of joy is one of my favourite sayings. It is so true. It also helps you to refocus on your own life. Dh and I have a gratitude thing we do each week on our drinks and movie night. We each choose 3 things we are grateful for that week. Sounds silly but its a nice reminder that there are good things in your own life even if they aren’t at the forefront of your mind.

Thanks for the replies.
On a couple of points - it’s not primarily the material things, I think it’s mainly that they don’t have to put up with all the crap of work - the risks, the deadlines, the bosses etc but can still have a very nice lifestyle.
In most cases I know it’s not funded by credit, it’s a husband’s big salary, investments that worked out well, or family money.
I know money doesn’t guarantee a perfect life, but it gives you choices. If I quit my job now we wouldn’t be able to pay our bills & every single little luxury would be out the window. So when I walk into a friend’s house who has all the time in the world to hang out & doesn’t a have to worry about choosing between a job that causes intense worry or funding her kids, I do feel envy. It’s like being on another planet. Prior to this, I mainly felt it was nice to visit like a switch off from the real world but more & more I just envy their easier life.

It does sound like the work part of it is the issue - you say quitting isn't an option but can you switch your job?

In jobs I hated it was much harder not to resent having to work hard for every single thing.

Things are not always what they seem, though.

I know it feels like a slog in comparison, but once the wine flows on our rare nights out sans kids and husbands, my SAHM friends lives sound no happier than mine. They have their own struggles and all too often, their wants and needs play second fiddle to their husband's big, important jobs. To me, it sounds like living in a gilded cage and I always come away feeling quite happy with my lot!

I'm not saying this is always the case, merely that no-one's life is perfect and the facade can be very different from the reality.

It sounds like your job is a source of discontent for you though, could you look at changing?

Not working is not that stress free. I think many SAHMS who have done that for many years are envious of others' situations because after a few years getting back into work is all but impossible. I know one mum who was a lawyer and now just hangs around her massive, usually empty house, she doesn't seem that stressed but not that happy either. If we're in our 30s and 40s there's a good 30 years of work left, that's a long time to clean the home and go to the gym. Another mum I've sometimes thought has it easy but is now scrabbling around on local Facebook group for jobs but doesn't like the sound of most of them!

Also I know you think they haven't got debt etc but you never really know. We could have a house twice this size and fancy cars but prefer no debt.

I also prefer an equal relationship, I don't know anyone who stays at home that doesn't have a partner with very traditional views of men and women, that's can't be particularly fun, it's not great to always have someone's food on the table when they get home.

I'd suggest maybe you need a job change if possible. It's a good job market these days so easy to move sideways

Some very good points. Absolutely I think being a SAHM has its own challenges. My friend does often seem to be trying to find something to do - courses etc. I also agree that I don’t think I’d like the dynamic in the relationship if I made no money, and I’d feel self-conscious about what others thought about it. One of her husband’s friends did make a asshole comment when they bought a house “0h did your husband buy you a house!”

All that said I still struggle with envy. I work in consumer protection, I always stress over whether my language is clear enough for consumers to understand etc. I feel like I have to worry about everyone else’s finances as well as my own. So when I walk into my friend’s gorgeous house, which is lovely & clean thanks to full time staff, and we are discussing an art purchase or holidays etc I do feel envy. It’s like living on another planet.

I wish I didn’t. I know I have a pretty good life. I know people have big money worries, health problems, disabled children etc. I have my health, healthy children and a roof over my head. My only real issue is work/life balance. I would love to take an easier job but it would pay a lot less so I have to pick I guess and that’s where I waste headspace feeling I wish I had a life like X.

A gratitude journal is a good idea but I’m just not in the headspace for it. I’m exhausted and grumpy. Every time I spend on a luxury eg a paid a babysitter to take the kids for three hours on Saturday so we could try to sort the mess in the house, I feel it’s taking me further from retirement. I’d never have another child for the same reason. One of my friends is pregnant at the moment and is taking on a full team to help her - night nurse, housekeeper etc. It’s rich people stuff and tbh I probably need to accept I’m not rich and get on with it!

get new poorer friends?
I really don't mean that harshly by the way- we live in a part of london where very rich and very poor people live cheek by jowl. I found looking at those I was in a better financial position than made me feel so lucky and appreciate what i have.
Now a long way down the road a lot of those women who seemed so fortunate have issues with partners and or children so as others have said you don't always see the whole picture .
I too had a job that was v stressful and if i'm honest I was promoted above my abilities so it was always terrible but paid better than anything else I would have been able to do.
You sound like you know what you are doing at work . Are you expecting an awful lot of yourself at work?
Maybe your workplace has some counselling available to help you see ways to switch off?
I can remember when you are in the middle of it all it's hard to see the wood etc

It’s a very valid point. Tbh I don’t have poor friends simply because of where I grew up and now live. I went from a private school to a uni where you’d struggle to meet anyone who wasn’t middle class. But it’s not the I’m unaware of poverty or that I don’t understand that I haven’t got it good compared to most.
Am I good at my job - no. It is a source of constant stress to me. I feel sick opening my emails most of the time. I’ve made tons of mistakes. I’ve had the same job for a decade. I’ve never applied for a promotion but people often treat me like I know what I’m doing because of the length of time I’ve been there.
My kids are very young & both have temper tantrums on the daily. I earn about 1.5 times my husband’s salary. He is not great with the kids. Tbh neither of us are, we don’t have the patience. I recently told him he can’t expect me to do 50% of the kids if I’m the one who keeps the show on the road financially. We didn’t have a row, i said it politely and he was open to it. He made a bit more of an effort for a while but now it’s slipping.
Most of the time I want someone to rescue me from my life sad as that is!
I’ve been in therapy for years in case anyone suggests it.

Well if you work in consumer protection then thank you. I once had an issue causing me so much stress, I spent £1000 on something completely useless and the company a nightmare, consumer protection helped me in the middle of a tough time and I thought they were brilliant.

Maybe you just need a new role or some new friends, it might give you the boost you need. They don't even have to be poor friends but sounds like some self sufficient hard working people like yourself would be easier to relate to and share experiences and work stories with?

OP how are you getting on with those feelings of envy now?

I am having a similar issue. I can't stop thinking how some people I know seem to have such a better lifestyle. £1m+ house handed to them mortgage free, 4 kids, well paid job, great 5 star holidays several times a year etc.

I mean I try to be grateful for what I have, as it is good. I have a home of my own (mortgaged) and a healthy and mostly happy family, a good job although part time so not earning loads etc.

But it just eats away at me when I wonder why isn't it me living that lifestyle? Did I not study/work as hard as them? Do I not deserve it? 😔

It’s probably more that life is easier with certain material things - a bigger better house, living in a nicer area, no money worried, being able to afford things for wellness like cleaners, gym, good food etc

That's exactly it! Other people seem to breeze through life whilst some, like us, have to work bloody hard and then still can't afford those things 😬

OP here. I came across this thread when I was googling & sadly don’t remember starting it.
Funny I’m going through a period of feeling more envious. A couple of friends have taken a huge jump up the property ladder & I’m not in a position to. I also recently went on a short holiday & a few things went wrong which I had to pay for which had a impact on my bank balance.
Im trying to be rational & not emotional about it. I know on a rational level that material things are not which life should be about. It can be hard to go feel envy though. I’d love to be better being thankful for what I have but that is a skill I haven’t mastered to a great degree yet anyway!